It’s time for the annual Critic Te Ārohi fish and chip shop review. Need we say more? Actually, we do, because this year we have decided to revolutionise the review system. One look at the infamous ‘Dunedin Fish and Chip Shop Review’ Facebook page suggests that North D is actually home to the most despicable forms of fish and chips, so this year we are looking at fish and chip shops all over Dunedin: from North D to Port Chalmers. Ingenious! Why didn’t we think of it before? Perhaps because the old guard of North D fish and chips has been, up until this point, faithful to our every desire.
Yet rumours now stir. The team at Critic Te Ārohi have deigned to figure out if these rumours are true by pitting the champions of previous years against challengers from across the city. Only then will the hordes of fish and chip shop analysts be appeased, both in stomach and in spirit.
Mei Wah
Frustratingly nice
Fatty Lane is in my ears and in my eyes. At the head of this cornerstone is Mei Wah, a fish and chip shop that has become synonymous with big feeds on a night out. Despite its cult status among the student populace, Mei Wah does not cook very good fish and chips. The chips were small and bleugh, the fish was cardboardy, and everything tasted like potatoes. The fact that only 2/7 of our staff touched the fish at all is most definitely a testament to Mei Wah’s shitness. Nonetheless, it's hard to hate Mei Wah. The lady who served me was frustratingly nice. Plus, the shop acts in direct opposition to the McDonald’s across the road which peddles a form of fast food unworthy of review by even the desperately hungry staff at Critic Te Ārohi. Mei Wah may be the only thing preventing that fucking clown from destroying us all.
Chips: $2 a scoop, 4/10
Fish: $2.50, 2/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Adam Sandler. Wildly disappointing, but a classic nonetheless. I also suspect that Adam Sandler’s skin would taste similarly potato-y.
Best Cafe
A memory of the divine
Goddamn, Best Cafe slaps. For those of you who aren’t aware, Best Cafe is a joint nestled in the heart of town, right across from the railway station. Though it may be a stretch to get over there, the trip is most certainly one that’ll be worth your while if you really need to treat yourself. The fish is the standout here; one bite will leave you in tears as you reassess your life based on the contents within the light, crispy batter. A squeeze of lemon on the side abruptly brings you out of this trance, yet a memory of the divine remains. To complete this inner journey, the chips snap you back to reality as their crunch alerts your senses to the dangers inherent in this world (gravity). At the end of it all you’re left blissful. Best Cafe’s goods are truly The Shit™ if you can afford it. Think of the experience like a line of gear, perhaps? Leaves you wanting more.
Chips: $5.50 a scoop, 7/10
Fish: $8, 10/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Jason Momoa. Undeniably attractive, no matter your orientation. Only thing is that your mum (who can actually afford Best Cafe) is way more keen than you. She might need to get a hobby, tbh.
Takeaways on Marlow
Hearty girth
A new contender for this year, Marlow fish and chips is located in South Dunedin a mere three minute walk from Tahuna Camp Store (the beef is real). Something of an underdog in this competition, Critic Te Ārohi staff were pleasantly surprised at the meal with one staff member stating, “Those chips fuck.” As to whom the chips fuck, no one was quite certain, but if they felt so inclined I’d probably go there. The key was in their hearty girth along with a translucent tint which signalled a healthy oil supply at the chips’ core. Alas, every rose has its thorns, and in the case of Marlow it was the fish which donned a “batter condom” that hung loosely around a piece of extraordinarily average fish. Still, Marlow definitely fucks (with protection, that is) and is one to watch in years to come.
Chips: $3.50 a scoop, 9/10
Fish: $5.50, 6/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Daniel Radcliffe. Sexy, an ally, a little bit out there. Slightly translucent-looking, but that’s very much part of the appeal.
Port Takeaways
Aggressively fishy
Another new challenger, Port Takeaways sadly failed to uphold the myth of Port Chalmers as a seafaring town. Upon opening the grease-infused packaging, we were surprised to find that the chips and the fish looked exactly the same: a diahorrea-ish poo colour. Appearances proved to be a bad omen. The fish was aggressively fishy, and the flaccid chips were not the soggy salvation that I needed. The chips were also crinkle-cut, which is frankly blasphemy and also a crime. It’s a turn away from the tradition which has made fish and chips the institution that it is in Dunedin, but also the transit time from Port to office didn’t do them any favours. Chalk it up to a bad set of circumstances, but you can’t win ‘em all.
Chips: $3.50 a scoop, 3/10
Fish: $4, 3/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Danny Devito. Look, there’s a subset of people who genuinely are into it. A penchant for the squat and greasy, perhaps. Maybe Port Takeaways should try becoming crab people next.
Squiddies
Average at best :(
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The fish and chips we sampled from The Flying Squid were average at best and utterly embarrassing at worst. Despite having won Critic Te Ārohi’s review in years prior, Squiddies was not up to champion standards. Let’s start with the fish. Though one Critic Te Ārohi staff member claimed that the fish had improved marginally, it was still obviously reheated from frozen. Even the chips failed to impress as they were shoestring. Another blasphemous form of chip variety, shoestring is the form a potato takes when it simply does not have the flavour capabilities to impress on its own. When you add on the price, it creates an overall unsatisfying experience which Critic will not soon be reliving unless we’re piss drunk and it’s the closest thing to home, which it usually is. Know your niche, I guess.
Chips: $4.90 a scoop, 5/10
Fish: $3.80, 2/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Whichever one is getting cancelled next. Take your pick.
Camp Store (Tahuna)
Tastes like the ocean
Camp Store has become something of a star in recent years. Hailed by many on the ‘Dunedin Fish and Chip Shop Review’ FB page as the city’s unequivocal champion, the Camp Store cleans up in overall sales and general mystique. Yet, something seemed off this year. While the dish was a masterpiece aesthetically, chinks did seem to appear in the giant’s armour: too much batter and slightly-soggy chips were the only critiques that Critic Te Ārohi could muster. But at the end of the day, it’s Camp Store; it's going to be great. One writer mused that the fish “tastes like the ocean,” while others duly noted that it was the fastest dish to be gobbled up by the staff (and this was after five other orders). As an added bonus, the meal came with salt packets, t-sauce and a splendid dill pickle tartare which only made the tongue hunger for more. Camp Store has become an ingrained aspect of Dunedin culture and if it ain’t the finest example of fish and chips done right, well heck, I don’t know what is.
Chips: $3.50 a scoop, 8/10
Fish: $3.50, 9/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Keanu Reeves. The nostalgia factor is a huge part of the appeal, but modern performance is a bit soggy. Also, the fanboys are the worst.
Great Wall Takeaways
Flaccid composition
Great Wall has been on a downward spiral in recent years, and it seemed this year was to be no different as we unwrapped the shoddy paper tainted with half a litre of grease. The fish-to-batter ratio was noticeably poor and created a significant amount of “batter snot” which oozed in the gaps between the fish and crust. At one bite of Great Wall’s fish, Critic Te Ārohi realised we had reached a new low – and that’s fucking saying something. Thankfully, the chips proved marginally better yet many heads were hung low at the sight of a classic CBD shop fallen ill. The chips were noticeably skinny, allowing for a flaccid composition which enabled us to spell out Critic with the leftover chips. Simply put: the Great Wall has ostensibly crumbled.
Chips: $3 a scoop, 6/10
Fish: $3, 1/10
If it was a male Hollywood heartthrob: Jared Leto. Like, what the fuck is going on these days?
After eating this many fish and chips, you begin to empathise with the hordes of seagulls who eat this stuff on the daily. A desire to sit outside a dairy and yell at people was rife amongst the staff after we had finished. Yet, against all odds, we screwed our heads together and found a winner. Keep in mind, winners were ranked on exclusively quality of fish and chips - not location, not price. Make of that what you will, but don’t come crying to us when we inevitably crush your gingerly-held beliefs. Without further ado, here are results:
The 2023 Critic Te Ārohi Fish and Chip shop review champion is… Best Cafe! Tahuna Camp Store was knocked off its perch into second place with Takeaways on Marlow coming in at a respectable third. Down the bottom we put Portside Takeaways who failed to champion the fish-frying spirit of Port Chalmers. For the best fish, go to Best Cafe. For the best chips, go to Takeaways on Marlow, and for the best deal, head to Camp Store. It's as simple as that. The full rankings are as follows…
- Best Cafe
- Tahuna Camp Store
- Takeaways on Marlow
- Mei Wah
- Squiddies
- Great Wall
- Portside Takeaways
Coming out of the review, Critic Te Ārohi staff were left unbearably full and stunned by the toppling of Tahuna Camp Store from its throne. Though bear in mind, good reader, the prices: two pieces of fish and a scoop of chips from Best costs twice as much as the same order from Camp Store. And while the quality is marginally better at Best, it’s definitely not twice as good. On the other hand, Best is in the Octagon, and Camp Store is on St Kilda. Food for thought.
We’ll leave that for you to ponder as you conduct your own review, always in service of Dunedin’s admirable fish and chip culture. Until next year!