Features

1. How did you pick your major?
   1. You decided to study an incredibly challenging course like law or med in Year 11 and haven’t considered any alternative since.
   2. You came to uni to study psych, but quickly realised there were much easier degrees to finish in three years while barely going to class and doing every assignment at the last minute.
   3. It’s a pretty basic major, but you actually decided to study it on your own! The fact your older sibling studied the exact same thing had nothing to do with your decision.
   4. You hadn’t heard of this degree until you were already at uni, and half of the people you talk to about it don’t know it exists. They’re really interested to hear if you can get a job with it, though!
   5. You don’t like to admit it, but a lot of former prime ministers and diplomats have the same degree…

2. Despite your best efforts, you’ve ended up with six hours of back-to-back classes every Wednesday. How do you handle the non-stop academic pressure of lectures from 11am-5pm in the middle of the week?
   1. This is actually your least busy day of the week, and your biggest struggle is that it’s too chilled out. You’re considering picking up a third tutoring job to fill in your hump day schedule. 
   2. If it was any other day you’d at least pretend to try and stick out all your classes, but pres for pint night take obvious precedence. You head home at 2pm for a nap after three hours of looking at your ex’s Instagram in the back of the lecture theatre. Solid effort. 
   3. It’s obviously not a super slay arrangement, but with your carefully curated palette of pastel Stabilo highlighters and Kikki K planner, you’ll get through this.
   4. This situation would never happen to you. You’re studying the nichest of postgrad degrees and you have one class every two weeks with three other people.
   5. You LIVE for Wednesday afternoons. There’s nothing you love more than feeling busy, boosting from Castle B to St Davids, and then back to Castle A to get a front row seat in every single lecture. How else will the lecturer notice you raising your hand every 10 minutes?

3. Uh oh - there’s major beef in the flat group chat. What’s your role in the drama?
   1. You quite genuinely have nothing to do with the drama because your flat barely ever sees you.
   2. It’s pretty hard to deny the truth: this is totally your fault. In your defence, though, you can’t actually remember using the flat card to buy drinks at Subs last Saturday, so you think everyone’s being a bit too harsh.
   3. You’re no stranger to sending the “hey girlies, not to be rude but…” message. Some might say you instigated the drama, but from your perspective you’re just saying what needs to be said.
   4. You’ve become involved in the accusatory team, not because you really think it’s a big deal but you LOVE a debate and the flatmate who's definitely in the right here.
   5. Actually, you reject the premise of this question. It’s not ‘beef’ or ‘drama’, but a targeted attack on you because your flatmates are jealous of your lifestyle. You really don’t see how it affects them if you take 45-minute-long showers every morning, or take up half the fridge with your fancy organic groceries. They’re just jealous of your future success.

4. Everyone’s got a secret past. What embarrassing detail of your younger self do you keep hidden from your friends?
   1. You never got your pen licence in primary school. Your handwriting has honestly not improved at all, and this is only masked by your Macbook Pro.
   2. You and your mum are actually super close, and you secretly still call her most nights before bed. This isn’t actually embarrassing and you feel kinda bad for being so shy about it, but this kind of tenderness would really damage your reputation amongst The Lads.
   3. You had a massive emo phase in Year 10 which culminated with your private Anglican school getting REALLY mad when you rocked up to term two with an undercut and tongue piercing.
   4. Your biggest secret is that you don’t have one. Despite your best efforts to cultivate an air of mystery and interest about your past, you can’t escape the fact that you grew up in a nuclear suburban family with a pool, a golden retriever, and a holiday house in Wānaka.
   5. You… weren’t actually Head Prefect. You were Deputy Head, until the Head Girl or Boy dropped out at the end of term three to become a hairdresser and you took on the job for the last month of school. You wouldn’t know those circumstances from looking at your four-page CV, though.

5. What role are you in your program's students’ association?
   1. Treasurer. No one really knows what you do, but they’d be absolutely screwed if you didn’t do it.
   2. You’re not on the exec, but you are at each and every wine and cheese and quiz night. Not the tutoring sessions though. Ceebs.
   3. You’re on the exec by proximity, because your bestie is the president. They’re actually trying to guilt you into becoming social officer since the last one went on exchange to Europe.
   4. You’ve always thought it seems a bit too keen so never got involved, but you really look forward to Clubs Day - mostly because of all the free stickers and pens.
   5. President for the second year in a row… obviously. You’ve heard rumours of a coup from your VP, but you’ll be damned if you let it happen.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Varsity Blues

In 2019, a bunch of American celebrities, business executives, and other one-percenters got caught paying bribes to get their kids admitted to top-ranking universities in the US, either by falsifying their entrance exams or creating artificial sporting credentials. It’s why Olivia Jade got cancelled and Aunt Becky went to prison. To be clear, Critic isn’t accusing you of fraud, but you have been known to get a little too intense when it comes to maintaining your academic record. Look, we get it - you’re ambitious, and you’ve sunk too much time into your studies to risk messing it up now.

Mostly Bs: Rob Muldoon calls election while drunk

Former National Party Prime Minister Rob Muldoon’s term came to a rather jarring end in 1984. On June 14th, a clearly drunk Muldoon told journalists that the election would be held in just a month's time - an election he went on to lose. Just like Rob, you’ve been known to say something you shouldn’t have after a few bevs, and it’s come back to bite you in the ass once or twice. Maybe hold the career-altering announcements for more sober moments?

Mostly Cs - Marilyn Monroe and JFK’s maybe-affair

It’s such a classic scandal, and we’ll never know the truth for certain. Did the world’s biggest sex symbol and America’s most popular President fuck? Does it really matter if they did, or is the gossip it generated the most important aspect? Like most scandals, this one becomes less genuinely important and more entirely ridiculous the further you dig into it. It’s a basic scandal, but it’s popular for a reason – just like your Yu Mei bag and Ruby Corvette pants. It’s also characterised by a bunch of people overreacting to two people sleeping together and, truly, what Otago drama is more classic than that?

Mostly D’s - The Spy Balloons

You have always tried to keep an air of mystery and intrigue about your persona. Your obsession with arm tattoos, carrying around a leather satchel, and drinking strictly craft beers at Albar is a testament to this. While you consider yourself the beacon of intelligence, your hot takes and niche political opinions can actually be really strange and off-putting. That’s exactly why you’re like those spy balloons that rocked the world earlier this year - peculiar, random, perplexing, and bound to send people into hysteria.

Mostly E’s - Scott Morrison’s ministerial self-appointment

Just before the end of his term as Australian Prime Minister, it came out that Scott Morrison had quietly appointed himself, at various points, Minister of Health, Finance, Treasury, Home Affairs, Industry, Science, Energy and Resources. It wasn’t technically illegal, but for a Prime Minister as memed and scorned as ScoMo, it was pretty embarrassing. You’re not quite on Morrison’s level, but you have a tendency to be a bit self-important and assume that you know better than anyone - you’re probably the first to admit that you’re a control freak in group assignments. Take this as a reminder to take a breath, take some criticism, and remember that there are more important things to life than student politics. With that said - something tells me you plan a mean night out, from pres to brunch the next day.