Here at Critic Te Ārohi, we recognise what a relatable struggle it is to be both the perfect student and the perfect housewife. Everyone’s felt the burnout that comes from having to turn in an assignment at 12 and turn out a gorilla-grip coochie at 1, am I right? AM or PM, it’s a full-time job. Now that women have evolved the ability to read, know that you’re not alone (you never should be, as your husband must accompany you everywhere) and we’re here to help with specially-curated tips on womanhood from people who definitely have spoken to girls before. You’re literally so valid, bestie!
Step 1: Getting in the Right Mindset
While a sunny disposition, pristine etiquette, and general self-hatred are required to be the perfect woman, you can’t live in domestic bliss without the “domestication” part, right? That’s why the very first step is to become completely fucking feral – it’ll give you the strongest baseline for your makeover. Go bush without telling anyone for as long as it takes to forget how to wipe. A few years should do it, but this will depend on your fluency, wilderness skills, and whether you were a kid that bit people. If the bush isn't your thing, fear not! You can also become relatively feral by going through a dumpster-diving phase (all the rage right now, babes) while living in a flat full of carbon monoxide. Don’t ask us how we know.
Once feralness has been acquired to taste (it’ll feel like being edged, but by rabies, and also a bit like it’s always Tuesday) then it’s time for domestication. Get someone with a soothing voice to trap you in a blanket and slowly hand-feed you dry cereal made for small children. It may take a while to learn how to sleep in a bed again and to stop clawing at the wallpaper, but that’s the price of inner beauty.
Step 2: Perfecting the Love Life
You may not love life, but have you considered that maybe you just need to cater to a fully grown man’s every want and whim?
Con men into doing things for you. Men love a helpless and pitiful woman, so do everything in your power to elicit sympathy. Make them feel like a true Elfer Male (or whatever it is) by acting like a dumb little fairy. Ask for help tying your shoes. Pretend you’ve never seen a laptop before and giggle with amusement whenever it lights up. Arrive late to places and say that you got lost putting on your pants earlier and spent two days nibbling through the denim to freedom. Soon enough, men will be falling over themselves to come rescue you!
Always make your hookups shower. Sure, you could go for the flirty, “I’ma hop in the shower - wanna join?”, but women are devious trickster succubi, so that’s far too subtle for a poor, innocent male. To avoid being accused of playing a fickle womanly game, try being direct in your approach by spritzing him with a spray bottle like a cat. Say that you have a “clean foreskin fetish” while dramatically opening windows to air out every room he’s occupied. Failing that, consider hosing him down in your yard. If you’re from a farming background, see if you can get him into a sheep dip, for good measure. SO cottagecore!
If birds can attract mates with colourful garbage, you can too. Maximalism is the new minimalism, and hoarding is always in vogue if you call it “collecting”. A cluttered hovel will evoke your divine femininity as the harvester-gatherer that you are. You can gain a lot of insight on someone from their decor, and avoid this at all costs by living in migraine-inducing chaos to uphold your womanly mysticism. Consider leaving a trail of litter wherever you go to lead potential suitors back to your territory. Curate this trail according to your personal preferences: leave long receipts for finance bros, monster cans for emos, and condom wrappers for fuckbois – or used condoms for used fuckbois.
Step 3: Harmony in the Kitchen
The way to a man’s stomach is through his heart (if you force him to love you, he might vore you) so enjoy these tasty tips!
Hate doing dishes? Eat from your God-given hands! If one wishes to hold the world in the palm of one’s hand, should one not first hold something smaller, like soup? Hands are much easier to wash than dishes (always wear dark pants to wipe your hands on) and the finger and tongue dexterity you’ll gain will make it much easier to bag yourself a man.
“Hire” a scullery maid. Cooking is unbecoming and not fit for the lady of the house. If you’re too poor to afford a chef, consider a) being born rich, or b) just making one up. Invent your own personal maid, and attribute everything to her (obviously she’s female) when asked. When your man comes back from his job at the taxes factory, greet him with a smile while you pull a container of Uber Eats out of your cold oven: “Oh, this? Just something I got Tara to whip up.” Start ordering your “maid” around aloud, and honest to God see how far you can take it. Train her by watching cooking videos in your sleep. The goal is a complete fracture of your psyche, allowing a fully-fledged maidsona to take over in the kitchen. The best part? Your husband can’t cheat on you with the maid!
Step 4: Becoming a Domestic Goddess
Turn that rat's nest into a love nest with these quick and very dirty tips!
Get good at cleaning stains (as well as making them). Critic already has an extensive stain removal guide for all the fluids one can imagine, and speedy cleaning is the best method. However, for old or stubborn stains, consider keeping them around as signs of your prowess. This will both assert dominance over other women and intimidate the men who enter your lair. Your goal is for them to remark, “Wow, she got vomit on the ceiling, as evidenced by this here projectile splatter? She must have a powerful throat,” or, “These are the most cum-stained sheets I have ever laid eyes on. I have competition, and I must up my game immediately.” It’s a win-win.
Maintain a clean bathroom by learning how to piss outside. Everyone knows that women do not have anuses, so one can keep a mint-condition loo by only pissing outside. Keep a mason jar (Pinterest chic) by the bed for emergencies. If you squat to pee, consider wearing absorbent socks, or perhaps some gumboots. Having a vulva does not prevent one from being able to piss standing up – all you need is a killer kegel, some towels, and a general disregard for yourself and your surroundings. Never practise this in your own bathroom: do it at your hookup’s or on campus to better mark your territory.
Step 5: Look Hot, Fear Not
Fashion is cyclical, so get ahead of the curve by rejecting Clean Girl aesthetic and embracing Scody Girl. Stop making bath bombs, start learning amateur pyrotechnics, and read on for more gorgeous tips!
Sleep in your makeup to avoid taking it off. Getting out of bed to remove your makeup is literally emotional labour. ‘Miscellaneous’ water is a scam – if you’re a sweaty enough sleeper, your beat will be gone by morning! Even the most waterproof eyeliner cannot withstand a trauma-fueled nightmare. Sure, if you wear a full face you might want to take it off, but put a baby wipe on your pillow and let the rest be tomorrow-you’s problem. Imagine how blended your contour would be after rolling around in it all night. Snatched!
Cut your own hair whenever your mental illness implores you. Hair is temporary, but passing waves of intense, crippling emotion are forever (my mental illness wrote that, but I believe it and so they should be obeyed, no matter what). According to TikTok, any godforsaken layered shag haircut can be gorgeous if you spend three hours styling it beyond recognition and also are an alt teenager! You may be in your twenties, and Ramona Flowers references may be dated, but imagine the dates YOU’LL get – just don’t let them see the back of your head. Missionary only, as the chaste and pure creature that you are.
Date mid people so you always look hotter. Beauty is all about comparing yourself to others, so why not lower the bar a little to get a leg up – and keep it up, but only for threes. If you’re unfortunate enough to get stuck with a smokeshow, offer to edit their pics for them (“fix the lighting”) and slowly FaceTune them to look worse. Beauty is in the iPhone of the beholder, and as the beholder it is your duty to slowly erode your loved one’s self-esteem.
Step 6: Transcend Reality
Focus on finding yourself (but only to find a man). It’s amazing what you can get away with if you say that you were just “finding yourself”. It’s a free pass to do whatever the fuck you want with no consideration for others, and it also drives men crazy. They say it’s impossible for real women to be manic pixie dream girls as the trope is inherently male fantasy, so break the laws of physics to only manifest into existence when a man is thinking of you. Once you’ve finished reading this (or had a man read it aloud to you in a patronising tone), consider that you are no longer a figment of our imagination, and vanish accordingly. Slay!