Before hordes of angry feminists knock down my door and emolliate me on the Union Lawn, I have a point here. Women are usually (with some exceptions) the victims of rape. Talking to them about preventing sexual violence smacks of victim blaming. It is also a little like talking to the victims of drunk drivers and imploring them to do something about the problem: Well-intentioned, but hardly effective. New approaches in North America and Scotland are starting to shift the focus to educating men about their role in rape prevention.
The difference between rape and sexual violence is to a large degree a difference in legal definition:
Rape is very specifically the penetration of genitalia by a penis. Sexual violence is a term used to describe sexual acts other than penetration that are performed without consent.
The use of the term “violence” does not necessarily imply physical force; rather, it is the lack of consent that makes the act violent.
This article uses rape as an all-encompassing term for any non-consensual sexual act.
This week is Rape Awareness Week, a chance for us all to remember that the issue of rape and sexual violence has not gone away, and that a quarter of all women will experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetime. But it is also a chance for us to critically reflect on why rape is still such a massive problem in our otherwise enlightened society.
Rape is very specifically the penetration of genitalia by a penis. Sexual violence is a term used to describe sexual acts other than penetration that are performed without consent.
The use of the term “violence” does not necessarily imply physical force; rather, it is the lack of consent that makes the act violent.
This article uses rape as an all-encompassing term for any non-consensual sexual act.
The Past …
The first major campaigns in rape prevention grew out of the feminist movement in the 1970s. Women were taught self-defence in the hope that they could fight off their attackers. Georgia Knowles, a community educator with Rape Crisis Dunedin, doubts how effective they were. “I’m not sure how I feel about it. In some ways it’s really helpful, but in lots of ways, it reinforces ideas of rape myth, and ignores that the majority of rape is the coercive stuff that doesn’t involve you fighting people off on the street.”One of the successes of the early movement was the increased acknowledgment of rape myths as just that: Myths. Knowles describes rape myths as including “‘if a woman’s really drunk it is okay to have sex with her’; ‘if women are flirtatious, or wearing a certain outfit, or acting in a certain way, then they are asking for sex’; or ‘if a woman is saying no, then they actually mean yes.’” Sadly however, the early initiatives sometimes reinforced particular myths. For instance teaching women self-defence, and providing rape whistles, reinforced the myth that one was most at risk of being raped by a stranger while walking down a dark alleyway. The reality is that in over 85% of rape cases, the victim knew their assailant.
The Future?
Despite the increased awareness, Knowles says that over the past 30 years, “there hasn’t been any meaningful drop in rape statistics.” In the face of this seeming failure, new campaigns like the “Don’t Be That Guy” initiative that ran in Scottish pubs and bars target young males. Knowles says that Don’t Be That Guy’s message was simple: “It was saying things like ‘just because she isn’t saying no doesn’t mean she’s saying yes.’ They ran that through lots of pubs, basically a whole campaign that says ‘don’t be that guy that rapes the drunk girl,’ and from what they saw, it created a significant drop in sexual offending. Which would make sense, because a lot of the prevention education we’ve done in the past, aimed at women, obviously doesn’t work.”Other groups, such as White Ribbon in Canada, and Our Strength is Not For Hurting in California, are also putting the focus back on challenging men to deal with the problem themselves. Knowles says that it makes sense to frame it as a male issue. “There are lots of feminists saying, ‘why are we doing work that men should be doing? Why are we doing your anti-violence work?’ Because actually you need to step up and do it for yourselves.” The focus of their campaigns is not only on rape prevention but also on the concept of “sexual ethics”. Put another way, what does good sex look like?
Ethics never looked so sexy
Teaching sexual ethics is more encompassing than just the prevention of negative sexual experiences, such as rape and sexual violence; it can also help people have more positive and meaningful sex lives generally. Dr Melanie Beres, a sociology lecturer at the University of Otago, says that the teaching of sexual ethics really encompasses all issues of sexuality, beginning with who we are as sexual beings, and then what kind of relationships we want to have. “A big part of sexual ethics is care for yourself. The theory is that by reflecting on your own needs and what’s going to work for you, then inherently you care for the other.”Sexual ethics also goes much further than just discussing consent, which Dr Beres believes is a poorly understood concept. “It’s not something that people think about. [Rather than thinking about] ‘am I consenting here, or is my partner consenting here?’ they might be thinking about ‘is my partner having a good time?’ And they might notice that their partner isn’t feeling comfortable, so maybe I should stop and check things out. But they’re not thinking about consent. Talking about consent really has its limitations because of the strong legal connotation. {It} becomes about what you can get away with. So that’s why there is this move towards sexual ethics. People don’t really think about consent when they’re engaging in sex.”
However there are obstacles to teaching sexual ethics to New Zealand’s youth. Despite the obvious issues around providing meaningful sex education in NZ’s religiously orientated schools, there are actual legal restrictions on what can be taught along side basic sex education. There is a standing mandate from the Ministry of Education that sex education must be kept distinct from anti-sexual violence education. And there is no consensus on when this type of education should begin, with some, like Dr Beres, arguing that it is part of life-long learning. “I have a four your old daughter, and it is important to me that she is comfortable with her body, and that she knows it,” says Dr Beres. “I figure if she is confident and knows herself, and if she is given a sense of autonomy over her body, then if down the road somebody tries to do that, it will be a shock.”
So what are the ethics of sex? The following is a (by no means exhaustive) list of some of things to keep in mind when thinking about getting it on:
It doesn’t have to end in sex
It might sound stupid to say it, but sex shouldn’t and doesn’t need to be the end goal of any intimate interaction. The so-called “coital imperative” is the idea that an interaction has to eventually lead to sex. As Dr Beres says, “don’t assume that any behaviour that is happening, especially early on, is an indication that someone wants to have sex with you. So if someone is kissing you on the dance floor, that doesn’t mean that they want to have sex.” Every step along the way to intercourse is pretty good in its own right, and even partners in long-term relationships can enjoy non-intercourse acts without having to eventually have sex.Talk it out
It seems that nearly every part of sex can be achieved without talking; even picking up on the dance floor can be achieved with a little grinding and eye fucking. Yet good sex definitely requires some talking. The easiest way to ensure that both partners are keen to get it on is simply to ask. However, we’re pretty crap at being forthright about what we want, or don’t want. It is unusual in Kiwi culture to say an outright “no”. We would usually just prevaricate or provide some reason for being unwilling to say “yes”.Dr Beres points to an interesting body of research which shows that women say no to sex the same way they say no to other social invitations. “So to say to women, ‘when you are in a situation with a man doing something that you don’t want to do, you need to assertively say no,’ is asking them to completely contravene a really accepted way of refusing a social invitation. And then the flipside, to say that men aren’t understanding it, is to say that men don’t have the ability to read and understand a basic social cue.” So talking is the easiest and safest way to make sure that you’re both on the same page. But there are other indicators that can help you make sure that your partner is down to get down.
What does consent look like?
Consent has a certain look, sound and feel, and non-consent the same. There are non-direct clues that you can use to confirm that your partner is consenting. Being responsive to what is happening, reacting positively to being touched, smiling, touching you back – all of this fairly obvious stuff can indicate that your partner is keen. And of course the reverse is also true. If you sense that your partner is not having a good time, if they are quiet and still, and not smiling, then it is definitely time to stop and check in with how they’re feeling, by just simply asking.All of that said, there is an important proviso: Sex feels good. It’s supposed to. Your body enjoys it, and responds the right way, because you’re fulfilling one of your most basic animal instincts: Getting pregnant. That’s why we want to have sex so much, our bodies are programmed to try and spread the seed. But just because it feels good at the time, doesn’t mean that it is going to feel good afterwards.
