Critic’s resident political scientists, Callum Fredric and Sam McChesney, have studied the behaviour and customs of a tribe of bonobo monkeys in the politics laboratory over the past 28 months, and devised an academically rigorous test for students to find out which side they stand on.
In the world of politics, everyone gets labelled on not one but TWO dimensions. Are you economically right-wing (like National) or left-wing (like Labour)?
On the social spectrum, are you anarchist, progressive, liberal, or conservative? Take the quiz now to find out!
The Economy
1. Do you support welfare for the unemployed?
A | Yes, CYFS cradle to pauper’s grave, bitches! (5 points)
B | Welfare is for winners who just need a helping hand, you can’t spell WINZ without win, right? (3 points)
C | My neighbour is on the sickness benefit because he claims to have Tourette’s syndrome, but I saw him fixing his roof and he hit his hand with the hammer and only yelled “FUDGE!”
I think he’s ripping us off. (1 point)
D | Let’s just say that when people call me a beneficiary-basher, they don’t mean it metaphorically. (0 points)
2. Should speeding fines be based on the driver’s income?
A | Yes, wealthy speedsters can ignore a $150 fine but they can’t ignore a $1m ticket. Take that, suckers! (4 points)
B | No, we shouldn’t punish important people for speeding to their high-powered meetings, they’re just in a hurry to create wealth! (0 points)
C | We shouldn’t have incomes at all. Bring on the universal wage! (6 points)
3. What does fair trade coffee taste like to you?
A | Tastes like the unbridled joy of a struggling Nicaraguan farmer. (3 points)
B | Tastes like deadweight loss. (0 points)
4. What is “the environment”?
A | A free lunch. Get in quick before it runs out! (0 points)
B | A magical place. We belong there; but also, we don’t. Peace man. (5 points)
What do you think of when you hear the following phrases:
5. “Big business”?
A | McDonald’s (3 points)
B | Enron (5 points)
C | Google (1 point)
D | “I swear I didn’t have this giant erection five seconds ago.” (0 points)
6. “Taxes”?
A | Good while they’re paying for my student allowance, bad once I graduate. I am a cynical human being. (3 points)
B | All tax is theft. Once I save up enough to buy an abandoned offshore oil platform, I’ll start a tax-free utopia. (0 points)
C | A win-win – the fat cats get brought down to size, and the innocent starving orphans get shoes and nutritious wholegrain cereal. (6 points)
7. “Trade unions”?
A | The only thing stopping the bosses from turning the break room into a torture chamber. (5 points)
B | Lazy extortionists who hate productivity and efficiency with a burning passion. (0 points)
C | No better or worse than business owners – both sides are just in it for the money. (2 points)
8. “Socialism”?
A | Like Pink – just missundaztood, man. (6 points)
B | Great in theory, terrible in practice. Kinda like rolling down Baldwin Street in a wheelie bin. (3 points)
C | In North Korea, everyone is equal. Equally starving! Zing. (1 point)
D | I can’t even wear red t-shirts, they give me nightmares about classless societies and solidarity. (0 points)
9. “Sir Roger Douglas”?
A | Dinosaur cunt, but I don’t really know why. (2 points)
B | Dinosaur cunt. I heard he, like, totally ruined the country before I was born. (4 points)
C | Legendary dinosaur cunt. (0 points)
Tally up your total!
0-14: Right-wing.
You love capitalism, and think the government should stay out of the economy. Inequality probably doesn’t bother you much, and besides, poor people could totally be rich if they just worked as hard as you. You probably study commerce or law.15-29: Centrist.
Capitalism isn’t perfect, but it’s probably the best option we’ve got. You like some amount of welfare and public services. You tend to side with the majority on controversial issues, and you use the word “ideology” in a negative sense. You probably study science.30-45: Left-wing.
You have a hazy mental image of a post-capitalist society where everyone is happy and equal and gets along. Contrary to what you’re told, you don’t see why getting a job would improve your understanding of the economy. During arguments, you often mention Scandinavian countries, though you’ve never actually been. You probably study arts/humanities.Society
1. What does the Treaty of Waitangi mean to you?
A | I heard that the chemical element Ununoctium, should it ever be synthesised in a stable form, will belong to the local iwi. I’ve never heard of Unonoctium, but I’m outraged! (5 points)
B | New Zealand’s a pretty big place. There’s plenty of room for our two sovereign, equal nations to exist side by side. (0 points)
C | I don’t know where the phrase “gravy train” comes from. Seriously, gravy is never transported via train, it’s mixed manually in individual kitchens. But yeah, the Treaty is a rort. (4 points)
D | Okay, so I’m Pakeha. I know – I’m pretty cut up about it as well. But I’m really culturally sensitive! I say “kia ora” instead of “hello,” I refer to KFC as “kai”. I respect the tangata whenua! (1 point)
2. Drugs: yea, nay, or mm’kay?
A | Down with paternalism! Drugs for everyone! (0 points)
B | My cousin knew a girl whose classmate was brutally murdered by some machete-wielding psychopath whacked out on E. (4 points)
C | Decriminalise them, but don’t legalise them. Ouch, I think a fence-post went up my rectum. (2 points)
D | People who abuse drugs are harming themselves. Therefore, everybody who uses or sells drugs should be thrown in jail and suspended from their toenails. (6 points)
3. You are walking down the street and spot a minority. What do you do?
A | Call the cops. (4 points)
B | Play that one rap song on your iPod, he might overhear it and be impressed. (2 points)
C | Give him some money. (0 points)
4. You are walking down the street and meet Bones, a local criminal. What do you do?
A | Soil yourself. (3 points)
B | Give Bones a hug, all he needs is love! (0 points)
C | Lock it up and throw away the key. Or kill it. Actually, yes, kill it, before it breeds. (5 points)
What do you think of when you hear the
following phrases:
5. “Single mothers”?
A | Starfishing tirelessly to breed the next generation of juvenile delinquents. (5 points)
B | It’s all about the Benjamins. And no, we’re not talking about children. (3 points)
C | Struggling heroes who deserve a medal. The DPB is like the Victoria Cross. (0 points)
D | Don’t judge them. Not out loud, anyway. (1 point)
6. “Political correctness”?
A | A bigot’s “get out of jail free” card. (0 point)
B | A vital insight about the namby-pamby oppression we labour beneath. (4 points)
C | I like freedom of speech and stuff, but I can’t help noticing that everybody who uses the phrase “political correctness” is an idiot. (2 points)
7. “Liberty”?
A | Rugged men in duster coats gazing off into a picturesque vista. (2 points)
B | Louis XVI with his head chopped off. (0 points)
C | Trump Towers. (3 points)
D | The restless masses in revolt. Please, just let them eat cake! (6 points)
8. “Family values”?
A | If you like packing the fudge or drinking from the furry cup, you are clearly incapable of raising children. End of. (5 points)
B | Some “family values” are good. For instance, “it’s bad to beat your children.” You know, stuff like that. (1 point)
C | The family is an instrument of oppression! Everybody should be raised in a hippy commune, otherwise the fascists win! (0 points)
9. “Smokers”?
A | Every time I inhale their toxic fumes, they should be prosecuted for attempted murder. (5 points)
B | Smokers are the most persecuted group in our society, despite paying $1billion in taxes each year. Only the sweet, sweet flavour of a Malboro can cure the hurt they feel. (0 points)
Tally up your social perspective total.
0-4: Anarchist.
You believe that man need not be governed. You fight the power by going to marches, publishing zines, and engaging in abstract, performance-based protests.5-14: Progressive.
You think all people have something to offer, and consider yourself open-minded and inclusive. You often feel wracked with guilt about your comfortable, middle-class background.15-29: Liberal.
You have quite strong views on what people should do, but by and large you think people should be left in charge of their own lives and be free to make their own mistakes.30-45: Conservative.
You’re pretty confident that the values you were raised with are true and valid for most people. You consider your own cultural group to be the most enlightened, so you don’t mind enshrining your moral views in law.
