- Louis C.K.
Everybody knows there are a few fundamental differences between boys and girls. But what might seem like minor anatomical dissimilarities can become a monumental chasm in the bedroom. Lauren Wootton investigates the differences between boys and girls when it comes to sex, and finds out whether there’s something in our biology that explains it all.
Me Tarzan, you Jane
Men are superior to women in every single way. They’re faster, stronger, more intelligent, and sex is always better for them. Always. That’s why most countries are run by men, God is always referred to as “he”, and all of the candidates for next year’s OUSA President are male. Men are just better.I love men. I love everything about them. From their manly chests to their post-workout pheromones, there is nothing about boys that I don’t like. Well, except for a few things when it comes to the bedroom.
I don’t mean to be facetious, but the difference between boys and girls is pretty damn obvious. Two words: penis and vajayjay. But there’s more to it than just anatomy. Boys and girls think, act, and feel completely differently. We evolved differently to fufill different roles – especially when it comes to sex.
Me so horny
Admit it girls, we get horny. Scientifically speaking, there’s a week or two in every month that girls want it all day every day, every which way we can. Now take that week, and imagine feeling that way all the time. Welcome to the life of a male. That’s why they watch so much porn.I consider myself lucky that I made it through 21 years without ever watching porn. When I revealed this to my Critic colleagues during today’s 24-hour issue, they decided this transgression had to be rectified immediately, and sat me down in front of one chick sucking off four dudes. Yup, my boss made me watch porn in the office. Let me tell you, it was not a gentle introduction. I threw up in my mouth a little (and I wasn’t even the first feature writer to do that today). But according to some recent research at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, that’s probably because I wasn’t turned on to begin with. Apparently, the reason we don’t find sex gross when we’re doing it is because arousal makes us more open to the sights, smells and sounds that sex entails. Let’s be honest, there’s usually nothing particularly appetising about a mouthful of someone else’s genitals, but if you’re turned on enough then some cheeky cunnilingus isn’t out of the question.
Blood rush to the head
Which brings me to the question of arousal. What is it that floats your boat? Tickles your fancy? When I say foreplay, do you gasp with both sets of lips and quickly spread ’em? Getting sufficiently wet is vital for an enjoyable experience all round, and the ability to walk properly the next day. For some people, your stock-standard anal fisting is all that is required for effective lubrication. But for others, it takes a little bit more than the usual to get their juices flowing. American neuroscientists Dr. Ogi Ogas and Dr. Sai Gaddam analysed the differences between male and female sexual preferences in their book A Billion Wicked Thoughts. They say men are more predisposed to have fetishes, because “The male sexual software … is instantly aroused by any single cue. The male brain is turned on by deep décolletage or sashaying hips or the whisper of a sultry voice… Though for most men [arousal] can be triggered by any one of a variety of sexual cues, for some men, one specific cue is essential. This necessary cue is a fetish.” In contrast, ladies need multiple cues all at once to get their sexy on. That’s why men are more likely to develop a fetish – because they find one thing that really turns them on, then can’t get turned on by anything else.Some fetishes are weird, though. I watched a documentary on 20/20 called My Big Fat Fetish, which was all about women who got themselves so ridiculously fat that they were nearly bed-ridden, all in the name of turning guys with weird fetishes on. These women call themselves “gainers”, and they attract “feeders” – dudes who really get off on force-feeding women food. They have cult-like feeding sessions, where they tie the women up and feed them through a funnel not unlike a beer bong. The huge women even get paid for “squashing”, where they basically sit on guys and wobble their copious mounds of flesh. Yumm.
But that’s pretty extreme. More common (and surprisingly normal) fetishes include feet, belly-buttons, or fingers in buttholes. And it’s not just men who fall victim to these sexual quirks. Women are also prone to getting a bit excited over one thing, although these are more commonly body parts like chests, jaws, or big penises.
Some people’s fetishes are even as tame as different positions. If a girl turns around and waves her gorgeous derriere in your face, you’re not going to hesitate to spread her legs and fuck her like a bitch. And then there’s the switch unbearable – where you change positions, and it just feels so damn good it’s unbearable. Sometimes, a little switcheroo is all that’s needed for everyone to have a happy ending.
Cum Catchers
There’s another reason why boys and girls are different when it comes to sex – the end result. Biologically, men are trying to spread their seed, and women are trying to get fertilised. In the short-term, however, boys aren’t really worried about much more than cumming inside someone. On the other hand, for girls, climaxing can sometimes be only a bonus. They want the emotional connection, the “oh my gosh this guy thinks I’m hot even though I’m having a fat day” type of experience. We’re talking the epitome of self-esteem boosting: the realization you can make a guy cum just with your body, which you hate on the best of days. And right there, I’ve revealed the secret to getting a girl to sleep with you – make her feel good about herself. Plus, everyone knows how hard it is for a boy to fake it. It’s do-able (see: put on condom, wiggle around and moan a bit, pull off condom before she notices), but it’s far less believable than the well-practiced contortions of a lady’s fake squirt, and arguably, guys can never tell anyway.Spooned
The other thing about girls and sex is the cuddling. Gone are the days of the “tap and gap” – nowadays boys are expected to hang round for a post-coital kiss and snuggle (provided her mouth hasn’t been elsewhere). There’s some scientific evidence around this idea too – women are more attracted to men who feel tired straight after sour creaming the taco, because it means they’re going to hang around. In evolutionary terms, it’s evidence of primeval “pair bonding” – that human tendency to mate with one person long term. If the male is going to get sleepy instead of gapping it, he’s going to be around to help raise and provide for the potential offspring. So boys, if dozing off post-fuck is a tendency of yours, don’t be surprised if you wake up with a ring on your finger.In case you haven’t worked it out, I’m female. I can’t speak for the men of the species. But luckily for me, I’ve spent the past 24 hours in the Critic office with a couple of lovely young males who were more than happy to expose me to porn and explain why it’s so exciting for them. I don’t know if I’ve ever encountered so many different ways of saying “orgasm”, or talked so intimately about my sex life with anyone else – to those of you listening on the live feed, keep it to yourselves please. When I got up at 5am this morning, I never thought I’d end the day having completed a life milestone – seeing my first real porno – or that I’d spend the majority of the next 24 hours discussing sex. But hey, sex is something pretty much everyone does. And I know what you’re thinking – “Seriously Lauren? You’ve never watched porn?” Well, I’ve got news for you. I may never have watched porn, but Callum Fredric has never chewed chewing gum.
You tell me which is more fucked up.
