Bromance Of The Year
Harlene Hayne and Logan Edgar
Harlene Hayne and Logan Edgar, BFFLs. As the only two people who would deign to let me interview them, I thought they should be given the privilege of telling you about their awesome friendship themselves.
How does it feel to be selected as Bromance of the Year?
L: What an honour!H: Assuming that the term is being used in the appropriate context, I think it’s fantastic! It signals what we have been trying to achieve with a relationship between OUSA and the University.
Harlene, how would you describe Logan in 5 words
or less?
H: Energetic, bright, ambitious, politically savvy.
L: Ooh, politically savvy. YES.
What’s the most memorable thing you’ve done together this year?
H: I think Orientation was really memorable. It was a great example of the University and OUSA working together. Logan took me around all the events and explained to me what was going on and whether they were good or not… Logan’s directorship at UpStart was also really memorable for me…L: Orientation, ANZAC Day, having Harlene’s family over to the flat for dinner… it was quite good to just watch the rugby and spin yarns.
Any words of wisdom for students out there?
L: One of the things that George Benwell told me is that when you go for a job interview, and say, your marks haven’t gone that well… make sure that when you get there, lay out the transcript and say “this is where I had other stuff on, and this is where I applied myself” so that they understand where you’re learning and where you applied yourself.H: I would strongly encourage students to put their head down for this last little bit. It’s like everyone’s been participating in this big race that’s been going on the semester, and you don’t wanna trip right before you get to the finish and cheat yourself out of the outcome you really wanted. So even if it feels like you need inspiration, or can’t do another all-nighter in the library, at the end of the day, when you cross that finish line, you’ll feel better for it.
Pussy of the Year
Howie Staples
Advocating for gingers everywhere, Howie can usually be found annoying the fruit stall guy under the Critic office or making daring attempts to cross Cumberland Street when the man isn’t green. He’s the reason the Critic office always smells a bit funky, and why you should never wear anything that attracts hair when you’re going in for a chat.
A fashionable feline, Howie has an array of outfits he can utilise on a daily basis. From his dapper white scarf to his business-casual “Uncle Howie” shirt-and-tie combo, he can always be relied upon to look good. And his affinity for bags always provides solid entertainment on his Facebook page (look him up: Howie Staples). Hopefully it doesn’t one day lead to asphyxiation due to lack of supervision.
But the best thing about Howie is that he’s always keen for a decent belly scratch. He can always be relied upon to roll over and offer himself up, only to then grab your hand unsuspectingly and unleash a torrent of teeth and claws. To quote one Critic designer last week, “Actually, he hasn’t scratched me for a while! My cuts have nearly healed.”
When approached for an interview about his success as Pussy of the Year, he didn’t have a whole lot to say. Okay, let’s not beat around the bush, he’s a cat. He meows. That’s it.
Cunt of the Year
Steven Joyce
New Zealand’s Economic Development Minister is a bit of a dick. Firstly, I personally don’t like him because he won’t take interviews from the media. What better way to confirm that you’re a dick than not talking to anyone to prove otherwise? Besides, I really just wanted to see if he would cement his reputation in an interview environment.
Two words that every student either loves or loves to hate: Student Allowance. Some of us can get them, some of us can’t. Sometimes, they’re the only thing that feeds us each week (or funds our BYOs). Well, guess what? If you want to stay at uni past undergrad, you’re going to be poor as shit with a big loan. I mean, why would the Government want students with higher qualifications than just a degree? They aren’t going to enhance our country in any way. They’re probably just gonna go live in Australia anyway.
And even if they DID decide to stay, let’s make it harder for them to pay off their student loan. Let’s stop matching 10% of any really decent payment they make, just so they really understand what the real world is like. And while we’re at it, we might as well take away their representation on councils so that they can’t fight back and tell us we’re wrong.
Yeah, Steven Joyce. Definitely not a GC.
Criminal Of The Year
Ewen McDonald
This one has been brewing for a while. It was the crime that shocked the nation. Scott Guy, young dad and Fielding farmer, shot dead in his driveway on a dark July morning in 2010. No suspects, no obvious motives, nowhere for investigators to begin.
For nine months it was all the media could talk about – New Zealand’s very own murder mystery. Then Ewen MacDonald, Guy’s brother-in-law, was arrested and charged with his murder.
Then the photos started to appear: his awesome tagging job, his smile as he carried the coffin into the church; things started to look pretty dark for Ewen MacDonald.
But in July of this year, despite all the damning evidence against him, he was found not guilty of the murder of his brother-in-law. Sure, he did some other crap that got him put away, but he might be out by Christmas. So who did it? Well, there aren’t any other suspects. What does that tell you?
Ewen MacDonald. Criminal of the Year. Why? Because no one knows whether or not he did it, but once he was found innocent it sure looked like he’d gotten away with murder. Too bad I couldn’t interview him from jail. I was dying to ask.
Celebrity of the Year
Jamie Ridge
Jaime Ridge doesn’t take media interviews if they are going to tease or ridicule her in any way. Apparently after Dom from The Edge made fun of her in a skit about her and Sonny Bill Williams, she and her mum Sally refused to go on that show for interviews ever again. Bitchy.
So when I received a phone call that Jaime was sick in bed and unavailable for an interview (even though I promised not to ridicule!), I wasn’t that surprised. I guess that means I can ridicule all I like.
Jaime Ridge rose to fame this year as the daughter of interior designer/TV presenter Sally Ridge and ex-rugby player Matthew Ridge (now separated). She’s 18, at uni, and pretty much New Zealand’s answer to Kim Kardashian: she’s famous for being famous.
If there is any rite of passage for a celebrity with no actual reason for being famous, it’s the celebrity boxing match. Any excuse to get down to the hot pants and punch some other gorgeous babe for charity has got to look good on your CV, right? And who better to go up against than another reality TV star, well-known The GC auntie Rosanna Arkle. If there’s one thing New Zealanders love more than The Ridges, it’s the phenomenal waste of money that is The GC. So pitting two (very sexy) main characters off against each other was definitely a good idea. And with her victory, Jaime Ridge sky-rocketed to “most talked about 18-year-old in New Zealand” status.
It’s a shame there’s a high chance that her Celebrity of the Year status is likely to be short-lived. It was reported last week that with a drop of over 80,000 viewers in its short three-week airtime, Jaime’s TV show The Ridges is facing a different time slot or complete axing before its next episode. Jaime, enjoy it while you can.
New Zealander of the Year (overall)
Kim Dotcom
Kim Dotcom is the man. Firstly, what a cool, original, unique name. Especially since he’s the multi-millionaire owner of ex-awesome-as-shit illegal file sharing site MegaUpload. Did you know he even owns his own URL? Kim.com. Google it.
You’re probably saying, “Hey, he’s not a New Zealander! Isn’t he German-Swedish?” Well let me tell you, this is a topic that has come under much debate since he was arrested in in January in his rented multi-million dollar Coatesville mansion – the most expensive house in New Zealand. Apparently his file-sharing website Mega Upload (which was shut down at the same time he was arrested) has cost the international entertainment industry over $500 million, and is going to cost the New Zealand population even more now that he has had a massive lawsuit launched against him.
So here’s the deal. He’s eligible for New Zealander of the Year because he’s a permanent resident. Apparently, if you contribute buttloads of money into the economy (for example, by funding a $600k fireworks display over Auckland Harbour back in 2010) you get fast-tracked. It pays to be a millionaire. Literally.
But Kim Dotcom is New Zealander of the Year because he managed to get away with operating MegaUpload for seven years before he was caught, and ALSO got away with sneakily living under our noses without most of the New Zealand population’s knowledge. Let’s be honest, he’s hard to miss. At 6’6” and 130kg, he’s a major contributor to the obesity epidemic that grips our country. He’s actually been named one of the world’s “largest tech entrepreneurs”, and until his arrest was ranked world number one in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 (he dropped to second place three days after his arrest). Apparently in order to maintain this title, he spent over 707 hours playing the game. That’s probably why he’s so fat.
But the number one reason that Kim Dotcom is the man is because when his twin girls were born at the start of this year, he joked that their placentas should be sent to forensics for testing “just in case they had pirate DNA”. Get it? Because he’s an internet pirate. LOL.