Features

With the likes of regular student jaunts Monkey, The Cook and Metro now out of business, it’s not quite so easy to plot an evening through town. We’ve certainly seen a trend of “out with the old,” but the question still begs: what, exactly, is “the new?” Ever sacrificing our limited free time for the good of the students, Critic sent a small, reluctant team out on a pub crawl to plot a refreshed take on a good night out.

Alibi

Clientele - 2/5
Price - 4/5
Decor - 3/5
Toilets - 4/5
Drink Selection - 4/5
Entertainment - 2/5
Service - 5/5
OVERALL - 3.5/5

6:56pm

We roll in. A prime after-work bar, our first observation is that this could well be renamed the Blue Checkered Shirt Bar. Every person here – mostly 30-year-old single guys with those short spikey mohawks that they use to look younger – thinks they’re wearing Hugo Boss. In reality, they all have exactly the same two-piece suit from Barkers. Or maybe it’s Hallenstein’s?

The decor is best summed up as faux elegance, but the fireplace and leafy wallpaper looks good in the dark. The vintage-looking posters never really go awry, either. Reflecting on the entertainment, kudos must certainly be given for an old-school Batman film playing on one screen, but there’s rugby on all the others. To be fair, they know their clientele.

In terms of drinks, there is a wide selection of wines and spirits, plus Heineken as the beer selection of choice for a slightly classy scarfie. We settled in to the Black Dog – they’re not quite a full pint but one dollar cheaper than the Heineken and a truly delicious craft brew from Wellington.

The reason that we give full marks for service is that a member of the bar staff gave us a five dollar note that they found on the ground. Combined with Alibi’s weekly nine dollar drink voucher (sign up!) that they text to you on Fridays, our stay made a solid net profit.

7:02pm

We have our first spill. Ten minutes later, the term “bub” – a combination of pub and bar – was coined by our ever-creative team to describe the general ambiance of the venue. This is why we tend to make Critic while sober.

7:16pm

At this point, our notes inform us that a mystery woman who appeared was “married for ten years, starting to get tipsy, slowly busts out some subtle moves. Secretly, she’s quite a good dancer, but she represents repression upon repression upon repression.” Our over-analysis prompts us: it’s probably time for the next bar.

We take a piss-stop as we leave for the necessary toilet review. They’re nice, modern and clean, but more units are probably necessary when it’s busy.

The Craic Irish Tavern

Clientele - 3/5
Price - 3/5
Decor - 4/5
Toilets - 3/5
Drink Selection - 4/5
Entertainment - 2/5
Service - 2/5
OVERALL - 3/5

7:39pm

While waiting at the rather under-staffed bar, yet another new term was coined. It turns out that while tipsy, “pale ale” is too complicated to say (and we just weren’t feeling much like Guinness). It was thus that we ordered a “pale.” We thought we were genius. The staff apologised that, contrary to whatever medieval history we thought we knew about taverns, they don’t serve beer by the bucket.

It was still a rugby night, and unfortunately the whole bar was watching. A couple occupying the couch beside us, in front of the main TV, were watching intensely, unable to communicate with one another – her Sav evidently translating poorly to his Guinness. The clientele here are older again. They’re comfortable and have families, and they come with partners or a select group of “genuine” friends. It gets dancy and more youthful later in the evening.

The Craic is very much a comfort pub with its decor of exposed brick and fireplace. It feels somewhat like a ski lodge and is very much in theme of a tavern – to the point, perhaps, that we wouldn’t be surprised to find that the roof is thatched.

The quality of the drink menu is slightly higher than Alibi – and it even includes their own Craic Ale. However, it may be a tad steep on a student budget. While we were there, one couple in a hurry to get somewhere got refunded for their meal because of how slow the service was on the night. This is even worse considering that the food is rather overpriced.

7:53pm

“THEY DO BABY PINTS WHAT IS THAT CUTE THING CALLED?!” Maybe we should’ve got those ...

Now, the advantage of us drinking beer (as opposed to spirits) at each place is you’re forced to review the bathrooms. The Craic features small unisex one-person units, nothing special, nothing bad. They’re just typical, somewhat old, pub toilets.

8:23pm

After realising that we’d been squatting on one beer for too long, the skull begins.

8:24pm

“I don’t think I can finish this.”

Mou Very

Clientele - 4/5
Price - 4/5
Decor - 4/5
Toilets - 2/5
Drink Selection - 4/5
Entertainment - 2/5
Service - 4/5
OVERALL - 4/5

8:49pm

We decided to go for a walk and pace ourselves out a bit. We had started in the Octagon, which is unusual, so we headed back to Mou Very as it serves as an excellent but understated stop-off on your way out. Rum and coke was the drink of choice – and they have a heck of a rum selection! We got a little lost in it and defaulted to Appleton Estate.

If you’re into people watching, this is certainly the place to be with all the foot traffic going past. It has a buzzy, alty vibe and our bartender was chilled and dopey. Having your drink out on the footpath is totally recommended, and by way of food there is a great kebab shop next door.

8:50pm

The street sweeping service rolls by. It’s loud. What does this say about the night? It draws our attention slightly down the road. Now, it must be cautioned that if you do likewise there is a chance your heart will break when you see the recently vacated corpse of Surfin’ Slices. We observed a moment of silence.

Despite our street-side preference, the little bar does have an interior, too – it’s quite cool, with the brick walls covered in writing.

9:15pm

“OMG. I have to go down the alley way [bath- room].” It’s grotty, but what did you expect? Character, people!

Robbie Burns

Clientele - 3/5
Price - 3/5
Decor - 3/5
Toilets - 3/5
Drink Selection - 4/5
Entertainment - 5/5
Service - 4/5
OVERALL - 3.5/5

9:25pm

Hopping across the road, we head into what is best described as a dedicated followers pub. Having seen the huge selection, we decide it’s whisky time – $10 for Glenfiddich is pretty standard.

We loved certain quirks of the interior here, with a “confessional box” sign above the bar’s phone proving quite charming. Further to this is another sign reading “poet’s corner,” and we felt that they could’ve played up more of these little literary gems and downplayed the rugby a bit. The bartender informed us over the sound of the live band that the pub has eight bands on rotate, and, as such, it certainly had the highest entertainment value so far.

A guy who looked like Bono, with a friend who looked like Nick Cave wearing black plugs, was standing outside having a smoke, and, when looking at the crowd surrounding the band, there was one figure wearing a cowboy hat; this rather summed up the clientele. The band got stuck on counting out “one, two” (seriously, they repeated it an uncountable number of times), which had us speculating that their lack of arithmetic was putting them out on what we assumed must have been a four-count piece.

9:36pm

Bathroom time – and it would seem that we now had plenty enough drinks down us, with the observation being that “the urinals aren’t the Duchamp ones - they’re more like a pig sty.”

9:57pm

The band delved into the lyrics “she’s the best girl I’ve ever had” – we decided it was time to leave.

9:58pm

First signs of the rugby crowd arriving in town from the stadium.

Fever Club

Clientele - 4/5 (for entertainment value)
Price - 5/5
Decor - 4/5 (for entertainment value)
Toilets - 1/5
Drink Selection - 2/5
Entertainment - 4/5
Service - 3/5
OVERALL - 3/5

10:00pm

Straight to the bathrooms here – not sure what caused that – and it’s fair to say they’re below par. Not that we blame them – minimal effort is needed for their undoubtedly drunk crowds. Fever Club feels kind of like Laser Force for 40-year-olds, and younger people who wish to mock those adults who they deep down fear they will become. Oh, and our editor has traumatic memories of being grinded on by retirees.

10:12pm

Prompted by a Tweet from the Radio One station manager, we were suddenly struck by the realisation that Critic’s cat of two years ago – Howie Staples – has more followers than any of our personal accounts do. We posted a photo on Twitter for validation. No one noticed.

We were drinking hilariously named Marga-V-tas to compensate. They were a super-cheap six dollars each and very sweet but totally recommended.

10:17pm

Steps’ “5, 6, 7, 8” – you know the one: “Rodeo Romeo ... driving me crazy ...” was playing to no one. Yup, we were the only ones here, and we were loving the giant, slightly filthy booth that we had squatted on.

10:20pm

“You just walk in, I make you smile ...” – SPICE GIRLS! Clearly it was time to hit the d-floor with its flashing squares, disco ball and stripper pole.

Albar

Clientele - 5/5
Price - 4/5
Decor - 4/5
Toilets - 3/5
Drink Selection - 4/5
Entertainment - 4/5
Service - 3/5
OVERALL - 3.5/5

10:43pm

Albar has high entertainment value, with board games, dominoes and books depending on your mood. The atmosphere is accentuated by an antique chandelier, empty bottles on display to show that the selection’s always good and some nice bunting all around. Not to mention the “Malt of the Month” sign – such class! A Kumara Brown Ale was the drink of choice for us this round. It was surprisingly delicious.

The age of the crowd here is somewhat similar to that found at Alibi, but they seem to be lower on income and higher on creativity and general class which, let’s be honest, are decidedly awesome factors when you’re thinking about who to go out with.

10:49pm

We were now at the point that we were writing down our emoticons, e.g. “smiley face,” rendering half our notebooks redundant. It was as we discussed this intriguing pastime that we realised something – as relatively young-looking folk, it was surprising that only The Craic and Albar had asked for our IDs. While making a note of this, one member in the crew apologised, saying, “I don’t know how to spell ID.”

10:59pm

Existential dilemma. We still had no Twitter or Facebook comments/attention. We felt empty. Must we rely on conversations, observations of drunkards and a kumara beer? Maybe we would disappear from the lack of online validation ...

11:04pm

“You’ve got a good angle” “What?”

“Literally and literary” “...”

These were our last notes. We’re not quite sure what happened afterwards.

Honourable Mentions

Due to a lack of time, money, forward-planning and energy on our part, some well-deserved honourable mentions are needed here.

Di Lusso
Okay, so we didn’t run out of time for this one – it’s a Critic team favourite and just happened to be frighteningly popular with the wider population when we cruised/staggered past. As regular readers of Love is Blind will be well aware, Di Lusso has unparalleled service, great cocktails and a charming setting. It’s also con- veniently located on lower Stuart Street, right by the Octagon. We recommend going earlier in the night so that you can savour the charm.

The Bog Irish Bar
This falls into the “short-sightedness” category – we went to every bar around it and somehow Dunedin’s bastion of Guinness never crossed our minds. Go for the excellent entertainment value of live bands, and stay to get your name on the Guinness 100 Club board above the bar.

Pequeno
Another regular visit, the cocktails lean towards the expensive end but are well worth the ensuing poverty. Hidden down an alleyway off Moray Place, you’ll feel like you’re in on a secret when you discover this cavernous, brick-walled hideaway, fireplace roaring. Live jazz nights on Thursdays are highly recommended.

Duke of Wellington
It’s a bit of an extra walk down to Queens Garden, but totally worth it. The setting is absolutely stunning with gilt and chandeliers, the drink selection is predominantly a wide range of English ale (with some lovely spirits and wine for other tastes), and the chat from the proprietor is fantastic.