Features

Sir,
   It is with growing honour and rising gorge that I view the scandalous increase of the use of trousers by women. Trousers are the outward hallmark of man’s estate. Not content with cutting short their hair, smoking cigarettes and, God forbid, even pipes, women have now the blatant indecency to appear in the streets in trousers.
    John Citizen, Letters, 1936.
 
   For causing damage to University property while in an intoxicated condition at a University dance, and for using insulting language to a servant of the University thereat, a member of the Students’ Association was fined ten shillings and required to pay the cost of the damage.
    Discipline Report, 1936.
 
   Don’t you really and fully think that the fun at Capping time would be jollier if you boys asked the girls to join in too? Perhaps you’ll think this is a rather strange idea, but do you know they do it up in Christchurch and in Wellington too, and I believe they have great fun.
    A. Mother, Letters, 1936.
 
   Sir, – I must thank you for allowing me to peruse and comment upon the above ridiculous letter before publishing it … We have our own distinctive atmosphere to maintain, and cannot have it dissipated by suggestions like the above.
    In response to above, ‘Glum’, Letters, 1936.
 
   I think any man who dances with a girl and breathes beer all over her is nothing more nor less than a pig. And any woman who breathes beer is less than a pig, because she has a higher standard of smells to live up to.
    Excerpt from column by ‘Ginger Ale,’ 1936.
 
   It has been suggested in many quarters that students do not take a sufficient interest in the political affairs of the University, notably in the annual elections. Our old friend “Student Apathy” has been called up again, creaking in every joint, from his musty retreat, and made to exercise his weary old bones in illustration and explanation of this state of affairs.
    Editorial, 1936.
 
   A few weeks ago the spotlight of publicity in Dunedin was turned upon students and their behaviour. It seems that the only time the press of God’s Own Country is interested in us is when they can accuse us of something.
    Excerpt from article, 1937.
 
   Among thinking men, especially those who are young and relatively clear-sighted, a revolutionary attitude is common and I think justifiable. One becomes aware of the greed and shoddiness, the falsehood of modern society, and the fact that many wear out their lives in meaningless and mechanical occupations.
    Excerpt from James K. Baxter’s published address to NZUSA Congress, 1952.
 
   It is, in my opinion, regrettable that the death penalty was reintroduced and a tragedy that it was brought in on the bandwagon of a political party pandering to what amounts to popular blood-lust … When a man dies because it is politically expedient, we must at least pause and ask ourselves whether we are not accessories to legalized murder.
    Editorial by Paul Oestreicher a month after the execution of alleged murderer William Fiori. Oestreicher believed the governing National Party used the “reintroduction of capital punishment a part of their election platform.” 1952.
 
   As a nation we do not know how to drink. It is no good blaming bad laws, for bad laws are not formulated without a prior evil cause. We suffer, in our attitude to alcohol, as in our attitude to sex, from a Victorian hangover … It may be that the whole tragedy of New Zealand life lies in the asocial nature of our existence. We have no sense of joyful, communal belonging together … We are, to some extent, socially frustrated nomads.
    Editorial, Paul Oestreicher, 1952. 
 
   Best thing about this time of year is the influx of freshers. For one or two weeks the University is filled with an excess of young men with brand-new duffle coats, scarves, and drinking mugs. And with a wonderful collection of extraordinarily pretty girls.
    ‘Critic’s Very Special Reporter,’ 1966.
 
   What proportion of New Zealand society are at the limits, that is, at complete heterosexuality and complete homosexuality and what is the extent of people in the middle phase, that is, the twilight area?
    John Howell interviewing Philosophy Lecturer Chris Parkin on the tricky topic of homosexuality, 1969.
 
   Inquiring into the motivations of the 310 marihuana smokers they studied, Freeman and Rockmore found that the responses generally ran in this vein: the drug gave its users “a good feeling”; it was a substitute for whisky; “I feel bad all the time – weeds make me feel better”; “it makes me feel like I’m a man.”
    Excerpt from “Marihuana makes critics uptight”, 1970.
 
   On the train the “mooters” warmed up to the eventual reunion shambles by running a “boobs test,” which involved going from female to female requesting they submit to inspection; the winner was judged on physical development and the level of excitation she aroused in the “boobs tester.”
    Excerpt from report on a “wild drinking party” held in the University’s Jacobean Room by 15 senior students and Exec members, 1970.
 
   I don’t know whether I was punched, kicked or what but I woke up inside the solitary confinement cells, I woke up stripped naked with vomit all over the floor.
    Dean Wickliff recounting the aftermath of a savage beating he received at the hands of prison officers in Paremoremo Prison’s maximum-security block after he kicked up a stink about not receiving his cocoa ration. 1972.
 
   The revolution doesn’t need guns;
   It happens whenever a man arrested for being
 
   Out of work, and booted in the meat wagon,
   Begins to laugh instead of squaring his fists;
 
   It happens whenever a screw in Paremoremo
   Walks out of his job instead of standing and watching
 
   Twenty men bumming a boy. It happens
   When the owner of the restaurant sits down with
   A moneyless customer
 
   To pass the time of day.
    Excerpt from “Letter to Peter Olds” by James Baxter, written for Critic, 1972.
 
   You must piss up large, root for the hostel team and be “one of the boys” if you don’t want to run the gauntlet of ostracism or some form of jungle punishment. This pressure, which commonly parades as “college spirit,” perpetuates a boarding-school mentality, retards maturation, and suppresses individualism.
    Editorial in response to an ODT article that “extolled the virtues of halls of residence vs. flats.” 1972.
 
   The aim is to teach Transcendental Meditation to every person in New Zealand, this will require many more teachers and also Government assistance. Considering the magnitude of research into the effects of TM it should not take long for even Governments to realize its value.
    Graham Browne, article on transcendental meditation, 1972.
 
   In the year’s first editorial I outlined what I hoped to see accomplished during the year but none of these hopes have materialized. Filters for joints have not been made compulsory, New Zealand has not recognized China and North Vietnam or withdrawn from Indo-China, homosexuality has not been legalized along with marijuana and other goodies, the student body has not been radicalized, and the welfare state continues to be eroded.
    Hugh MacLean’s last editorial of 1972.
 
   You can say “to hell with it,” but still your parents and their friends, and even some of your own friends are going to know, deep down, that you FAILED. For that reason as much as any that has to do with assuring your financial and social future, you have to try to pass.
    Introduction to “Ten Lecture Tips,” 1973.
 
   I object to the installation of this machine in the Student Union building. I consider it provocative, unnecessary and degrading. Furthermore I consider it unconstitutional.
    Mary O’Neill, Letters. The ‘this machine’ she refers to is a condom-dispensing machine. 1973.
 
   If nothing positive is done soon in the field of student accommodation, future generations of students at this University will be forced still further into the clutches of unscrupulous landlords and forced to live in conditions far worse than any that those in positions of authority in the University and the city would permit their own children to live in.
    Feature article on accommodation, 1973.
 
   On a completely unrelated note, it is somewhat disturbing to see how full the library is these days.
    Editorial, March 20, 1973.
 
   God alone knows who he thinks he is, but amidst all the intergalactic homo-superiority, he is a shit hot rocker.
    Excerpt from review of David Bowie’s ‘Aladdin Sane,’ 1973.
 
   I am thinking of taking legal action against the Union for allowing such dangerous pieces of equipment to be used by students, and also of causing bodily harm to me. I was hit by a flying cannon ball while walking through the basement, by an innocent player who did not know he was playing with such dangerous equipment.
    ‘Joe’ complaining about the state of the billiard tables in the Union building, Letters, 1973.
 
   Office Rent $2,400
   Educational Research $1,750
   Anti-Tour and Anti-War Activities $1,500
    Items 7-9 in a list of the ten most expensive items in the 1973 NZUSA Budget, 1973.
 
   I have been away from Otago University for several years. In my absence something or someone has cruelly altered the lifestyle and indeed the charm of the Otago student. I mean of course ‘Internal Assessment.’ I suppose few can remember the ‘old days,’ but four or five years ago we could spend a year not exactly of leisure, but rather of balanced pleasure; when we could mingle work with wine, and look up from our desks occasionally.
    From ‘Maimed’, Letters, 1974.
 
   How about telling the people who manufacture the antibabies, obtainable at the vending machine by that masterpiece of modern technology (men’s bogs) downstairs in the union, to stop putting Deep Heat Rub in their “CHEAP AND NASTIES;” I’d be interested to know if anyone else has experienced similar “NO CUMMINGS” as my frizzled and singed member has.
    Iva Rash, Letters, 1978.
 
   After four years and only a BA after my name, my apathy towards the system is greater than ever; as long as I get my Bursary and pass with C’s I couldn’t give a stuff whether NZUSA Top Cat is considered worthless in the eyes of our local Executive bureaucracy.
    Rimski-Korsakov, Letters, 1978.
 
   One Knox guy told CRITIC that they also held a panty-raid of girls’ hostels. This sort of behaviour is rather pathetic and smacks of the old pervert and the washing line story.
    Campus News, 1978.
 
   Lange is becoming the Left’s buffoon and the only resemblance he bears towards the late Norman Kirk is in physique. Well, that is not entirely true. Lange shares Kirk’s narrowness of vision, complete lack of imagination, and virtual disregard for facts.
    Michael Laws under pseudonym Dragonfly, 1981.
 
   I find it ironic that this self-proclaimed apostle of the rights of the individual has neither the decency nor the responsibility to sign his name to his lamentable scrawlings.
    G. J. McLean, Letters, about Dragonfly, 1981.
 
   What with impending exam failure, AIDS, and the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation there are moments when the suicide option becomes undeniably attractive. Let us review the most commonly used methods and evaluate their effectiveness.
    ‘The Lighter Side of Suicide’ 1987.
 
   A College/University educated American male wishes to make friends with a current Dunedin University female. As I only plan to be in Dunedin 24 hours, no long-term commitment is necessary.
    David Hausman, Letters, 1987.
 
   This year, as last year, a “Christian” group will be operating from a tent on the Union lawn during Orientation. My experiences are that these people offer tea, coffee, milo, biscuits to disoriented young students and then start evangelizing, smiling while they preach their message.
    Mary, Letters, 1987.
 
   The disadvantages of sea-sponges are:
   - the inconvenience of rinsing them
   - they are harder to insert than cotton tampons because they are softer
    Excerpt from article proposing the use of natural sea sponges as the best way to “Make Your Own Tampons,” 1987.
 
   Apparently dream recall is higher for women around the time of ovulation. Putting a cloth bag of nugwort in your pillow is aid to give you vivid dreams and help you remember every detail. Aniseed in your pillow will stop nightmares and let you sleep well.
    Excerpt from “The Dream Genie,” an article giving advice on how to remember and understand your dreams, 1987.
 
   I got the menstruation, the menstruation blues
   And I got ‘em so hard I don’t know how to lose them
 
   I can feel my life blood flowin’ down the drain
   And the hardest damn thing to face is that next month it’s all gonna happen again
    Excerpt from poem “The Menstruation Blues” by Robyn Archer, 1991.
 
   Is that guy out of it or what? I’ve watched in amazement as Jason bumbles over the birthday calls with dark eyes and a manic grin spread over his face, quipping to the camera crew that he could do with a cold towel, all the time wishing he was somewhere else (that’s if he knows where he is to start with).
    Excerpt from letter about kids’ TV presenter Jason Gunn, 1991.
 
   Yesterday I felt beautiful and thought with a little work I could make myself more popular, someday. Today I am left wondering what I’ve got, I am a loner.
   Cheers,
   Yes-I-do-have-friends.
   PS – Just in case … where are all the nice cute single guys out there? Please come to my lectures and talk to me! I’m actually quite a normal person most of the time.
    Letters, 1998.
 
   The four band members range in age from 13 to 18, but don’t even dream of comparing them to wusses like Hanson or Silverchair; these lads are the real rockin’ deal!
    Preview of Orientation concert by Smokefree Rockquest winners Evermore, 2001.
 
   The place was surrounded with people in their ‘rave’ costumes, although in their deluded little minds they looked cool, sitting down as an observer I witness what looked like a bunch of freaky circus performers chucked in a cage and made to dance in a world other than the one in which they live in … the space decorations aided this chain of thought.
    Mikhal Norriss, Fevah Dance Party Review, 2002.
 
   No. (His mate: “Yeah, he’s a poser at the gym.”) Fuck off man! The gym’s for homos!
    Matthew, when asked “Do you have a part-time job?” Bunch of Fives, 2002.
 
   Yeah that’s the kind of music that I’m inspired by – more aggressive, in-your-face stuff.
    P-Money, Interview, 2002.
 
   You are the crappest newspaper I have ever read plus your size is too small.
    Buck Anal, Letters, 2002.
 
   If I have any regrets about my first year at Otago, it is just this one; I hadn’t expected there would be so many darkies here.
    Dean West, Letters, 2004.
 
   If you want to have sex with me you’ll have to live in Invercargill.
    Tim Shadbolt, Bunch of Fives, 2004.
 
   Trevor confessed to being a “soppy romantic,” admitting that his all-time favourite film is Notting Hill, as he quite likes to have it on as background noise while he’s working.
    Trevor Mallard, 2005.
 
   The first thing you do when you arrive at Destiny Church is that you give the pastors all your money. Even I felt compelled to pop a coin in the box: not since Johann Tetzel has the church had such an effective money-grubbing strategy. Which wouldn’t be a problem except that the majority of those in attendance at the Destiny services appear to fall into the demographic I would term “peasantry” and the IQ-range I would deem “sub-vegetative.”
    Excerpt from Ryan Brown-Haysom’s “The Great Critic Church Review,” 2005.
 
   If all the ladies up in hurrr want to stop their men from requesting anal sex, or “poo sex” as it’s more appropriately referred to, just offer it up. If the door is always open, like with the Guidance Advisor at school, nobody comes to visit … or nobody visits to come! Booyah!
    Excerpt from columnist William Shake-my-speare’s response to the question “What’s up with guys’ obsession with anal?” 2006.
 
   Over at Unicol, the vibe is a little different, with residents eschewing clothes of any kind and opting to go naked. One enterprising individual even posed as a naked elevator attendant, and ferried young women to their floors with nothing on but a towel draped over one arm.
    From ‘Bouncing Off the Halls,’ 2006.
 
   Although Geoghegan now thinks that having a CoC is a good idea overall, she still has her reservations.
    Excerpt from news report, 2010.
 
   Stereotype: Dumb. Reality: Dumber.
    Excerpt from analysis of City College in “Critic’s Guide to Halls,” 2010
 
   Stereotype: Rambunctious party animals. Reality: Nerds who use going to university to mould their image into “big-drinking crazy cats.”
    Excerpt from analysis of Selwyn College in “Critic’s Guide to Halls,” 2010.