Amy’s love doesn’t cost a thing, but her company does. Louise Lin talked to a Sugar Baby about what it's like to be paid to be somebody's girlfriend.
Content warning: this story contains descriptions of sexual assault
She's just your regular student. You've passed her on campus, sat next to her in class, but Amelia Raymer* leads a secret double life. When uni is done for the day, she ditches puffer jacket and leggings, and dons the lipstick, dress, and heels of Amy the Sugar Baby. Amy eats at the nicest restaurants in town. She flies around New Zealand, staying at 4-star hotels. She can be your ideal date, your ideal girlfriend, your ideal lover, for a price.
As I settle into a squashy beanbag in her room, Amelia starts telling me about her latest date. "Eric was an interesting one. He had a secret code in his profile, and one day I was bored, and I cracked it." She opens up his Seeking Arrangement profile to show me. "Genuine, seeking clever student, between 18-36, definite reward for those clever enough to read between the lines and go further than most … Congrats Amy".
"Nice, you made it to his profile page," I say.
"Yeah," she says. "I was the first one to figure it out. Weird huh?"
"So what was the prize you got?" I ask.
"Well", she replies, "it was his phone number, so the right to meet up with him, I guess?"
Not all her dates are so quirky. Mostly they are pretty run of the mill, two people sitting down over coffee to get to know one another. Just a regular date, except she's getting paid for her company. I ask her how she brings up payment. "I try to be subtle about it," she says. "It can be very blunt and I think it's gonna come across as rude to some people... what I said to Eric worked quite well. I said 'I really want to kiss you right now but I don't know where you're at and I don't know what we should do about money, so you need to let me know' and he was like 'oh yeah we haven't talked about that, what kind of amount do you want?' And I was like '$400 would be really great’, and he said, “I think I like you a little bit so I'm gonna give you $800” and that was for a date, a dinner and a movie."
According to the Seeking Arrangement blog, the relationship between a Sugar Baby and her Sugar Daddy is a genuine romantic relationship, with "funds as an added benefit of dating a generous man”. The website then goes on to insist that "just because a relationship doesn’t follow the traditional rules of courtship, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid”. This rhetoric sounds delightfully idealistic. Amy, however, has a different perspective. "We are legitimately escorts, the site just puts a pretty name on it, even if we're not having sex. Realistically, you're renting me ... men are seeking relationships, that's an illusion."
Last summer, Amy travelled around the major cities of New Zealand, visiting Sugar Daddies. It wasn't a good trip, and she's come back exhausted and disillusioned. "All the guys in Auckland were so pouty when I insisted on using condoms. Such assholes. One of them turned me around so I couldn't see, and just pulled [the condom] off, and did it anyways, and I didn't notice. It was so shit, you don't even realise, I sleep with many people, I can't do this, it's so rude to me. And the worst part was the night before I'd forgotten to take my pill for six hours, [which is] not too big a deal, but I was like ‘it's fine he's gonna use a condom so I don't have to worry ‘bout it’, but he didn't and now I fucking I have to take a pregnancy test next week." I'm listening to this, feeling shocked and outraged. "Do they not realise how big of a deal it is to get pregnant?" I exclaim. "I know," says Amy, "especially by some 40 year old man, are you kidding me."
A far cry from what she thought it would be like when she first began. She found out about Sugar Babying from an online newscast. "I was stoked, I was expecting them to be these generous men who outlined their expectations.” Her recent experiences have made her consider quitting. "It's great, but it's definitely not a stress I need in my life while I'm studying."
Because Sugar Babying is not managed by an agency or by law (it's not a 'job' per se, merely two people who have reached an 'understanding'), there is very little accountability. Often both parties use fake names and their only method of contact is the website and a cellphone number. Amy tells me about another Auckland date: "I had explicitly said at the beginning ‘we had agreed on an amount', but I was trying to be nice, ‘I'm not gonna bring it up [again]’, and we were waiting for an Uber to arrive, and he was talking ... and he hadn't paid me yet, the Uber's on it's way, so I was like we gotta talk about this somehow, and just ask him, maybe he's forgotten, but he kept talking, and I couldn't butt into the conversation. He was, like, aggressively chatting, and then the Uber pulled up and he kind of pushed me into the car and we drove away ... that was oppressive, cos I was still kinda convinced that he had somehow forgotten." She laughs.
"I gotta figure out a way for them to pay me first cos they can't just do what they want. When Dave didn't use a condom, I couldn't say 'use a condom or I'm leaving' because he hadn't paid me yet and if I left all the hours I'd put into it wouldn't be worth it ... in the moment I was like 'shit I am stuck right now he has all the control”. She's discussed this issue with one of her Sugar Daddies. They've talked about setting up some sort of club "like swinger clubs, except for singles, and you pay the girls."
"Isn't that like an escort agency?" I ask.
"That's the thing" she says, "I'm sure someone has thought of that already."
"I wonder if there are any escort agencies in Dunedin you could work for."
"All the ones I've looked into seem to be regular brothels. I think a brothel would be worse, eight hours of men who see you as meat."
While the pay seems high, the emotional labour involved in Sugar Babying far outstrips that of a normal job. Dates often last a whole day and through the night, and that entire time is spent "acting and being nice to them and making them feel good." Furthermore, the work hours are far longer than they first appear. Creating a profile, setting up dates, organising makeup and clothes takes a lot of work. "Even just texting people you have to think what they want and how they want you to respond, it's time consuming, a lot of effort."
Since a lot of Sugar Daddies insist on monogamy, it’s a job that can really impact your romantic and sexual life. One of Amy's Arrangements includes the agreement that she can only date men from the site. "He gets to see all the girls he wants, how's that for an equal relationship" says Amy. "I get to fuck 40 year olds for money, thanks, that does a lot for me."
"I used to encourage people to do it. Now I'm like, you really need to be a strong kind of person to do it. I was expecting to be able to put up a barrier, [have it] become this role you play … but [you can’t] it’s who you actually are ... [the rejection] is like how rejection usually is.”
She describes her strategies for staying strong. "I've started a journal, and driving by myself is good, it gives me my own space. On my way home [from Auckland], I was just sobbing in my car, like 'Fuck you! Fuck you for being so selfish, I'm still a person, I'm not just a toy for you to play with' ... It was good to let it out."
Through double dates and threesomes, Amy has met many other Sugar Babies around New Zealand. They share stories: who pays well, who to avoid. “This camaraderie forms,” she tells me. “There’s this mutual understanding, ‘Ok, so we both don’t really like this guy, but we’re both pretending, that’s cool.’”
Sugar babying has been an avenue for Amy to explore her sexuality. From going on so many dates, she’s been exposed to many different kinds of sex, and as a result, has a far clearer idea of what she’s into and not into. It has also helped Amy achieve her goals financially. "I paid my tuition last week, wooo! All I need to do is get my living expenses for the year, in eight weeks I'll have enough rent. I'll get a proper job after that."
Amy's got a new sugar daddy in the works. He has a fetish to cater for; he wants to pay Amy to dress up and act the naughty nurse, both parties anonymous. "Bizarre as this seems, this is one of the most promising Sugar Daddies I've found. He's upfront, he knows what he wants, he's been clear about money and condoms." A dream arrangement indeed.