Features

There’s a good chance some people are going to defriend me as a result of this piece...
The Liker:
Known for: ‘liking’ everything and anything 
What they think they’re doing:
I’m really bored so I’m just gonna like all this stuff cause it’s just so funny! While I’m at it, I’ll drop super subtle hints about what I like and don’t like so that I don’t have to confront anyone!
How they look to everyone else
I’m a passive aggressive fourteen-year-old girl who likes nothing more than to clog up my friends’ Facebook feeds with mindless, unfunny one liners. I lack personality so I make up for it by ‘liking’ thousands of ridiculous statements in a bold attempt to show people that I have some character. I am the very essence of why Bebo crashed and burned.
 
The Activist:
Known for: being extremely politically active, but usually only on Facebook
What they think they’re doing:
I’m exercising my right as a proactive global citizen to inform my peers about the events around the world that concern us all. We can all make a difference if we sign petitions together and get involved!
How they look to everyone else
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM!! THE GOVERNMENT IS DOING *insert unsubstantiated claim* AND IF WE SIGN THIS PETITION WE CAN STOP THEM!! SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM LISTEN TO MY RADICAL POLITICAL BELIEFS BECAUSE I’M MORE INFORMED THAN YOU BECAUSE I SAW ZEITGEIST ONCE AND IF YOU DISAGREE WITH IT THEN YOU’RE AN IDIOT! GOD DAMN IT I’M USING CAPS LOCK SO LISTEN TO ME! SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM.
 
The Mundane Status Updater
Known for: updating their status with even the most trivial and boring of information
What they think they’re doing:
I’m keeping a record of my life and letting all my friends know what I’m up to. Technology is great these days!
How they look to everyone else
I have an incredibly boring life and a strong urge to share that with anyone who will even remotely listen.
The Excited Young Parent:
Known for: having recently had a child and sharing every moment of it via Facebook
What they think they’re doing
I love my child so much and clearly everyone should too! He/she is so cute that I’m going to put up a million pictures of them on Facebook for all to see. I’m gonna let the world know what it’s like to be a young mum, one status update at a time!
How they look to everyone else
LOOK AT MY REPRODUCTIVE ABILITIES! LOOK AT THEM!!! My attempt to use the cutest photo of my baby as a profile picture has backfired because, unlike me, most people don’t think it’s cute but rather creepy and awkward.
 
The Poet
Known for: long-winded and ambiguous status updates that make them look emo
What they think they’re doing:
My deep and meaningful post is a gateway to my darkened soul. This depressing song I’m listening to right now is the catalyst for this insightful, cryptic post which I hope one particular person reads. The ambiguity of this Facebook status is reflective of my disconsolate feelings.
How they look to everyone else:
I’m trying to be mysterious and arty but have successfully made myself look like a complete goober. I lack the sufficient communication skills to directly say what I want to a specific person and have to use terrible song lyrics to create an awkward, annoyingly ambiguous status update. I’m the down buzz of Facebook.
 
The Commenter
Known for: being similar to the liker but has to comment on absolutely everything, no matter how awkward and uncalled for this is
What they think they’re doing
I’m a free spirit who loves to have my say about everything! Facebook is about connecting with friends and that’s exactly what I’m doing!
How they look to everyone else
I am the pestilence of Facebook. I weaken the notion of freedom of speech. I am the group that creates 90% of Facebook’s trash. Unfortuntely, I’ve never quite grasped the concept of ‘if you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all’.
 
 
The Trapper
Known for: spending every waking hour on Facebook chat and constantly wanting to talk to you until the end of time
What they think they’re doing:
I spend more time on Facebook chat than I do sleeping and I love talking to everyone! I will talk to everyone and anyone cause it’s just so easy on Facebook. I don’t understand why some people don’t go on Facebook chat – it’s the best part!
How they look to everyone else
I am the reason why people don’t go on Facebook chat. I lock people into conversations the second they log on and have no ability whatsoever to recognise when the conversation has ended and will drag it out for as long as possible, not allowing my victim to escape. Ironically, my online chatting frenzy is not replicated in real life, where I can only hold the most awkward of conversations that are the definition of brevity.