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Editor’s Note: I just want to make it 100% clear that this is a real interview. All the quotes were actually spoken by David Seymour to Critic reporter Caroline Moratti, in a very awkward interview. 

In 2018 a star was born. Dancing with the Stars was a life changing experience for David Seymour – it took him from his origins as a relatively unknown dancer, and placed him at the forefront of pop culture. His popularity is found in his boyish demeanor, from his cheeky grin to baby blue eyes, which ultimately creates a sexy, boy-next-door vibe. You could take him home to your parents, who would love him, but he would still dry hump you among the musty odour of your childhood room. Yet for a country that knows so much about the twist and turns of David’s body, relatively little is known about the twists and turns of his mind. Who is David Seymour? Critic endeavored to find out. 

 David Seymour walks like someone has poured whipped cream over every part of his body; that was what I first noticed about him. It’s easy to see how the 35-year-old had gotten into dancing. Rumour has it that he’s being scouted for a Black Swan sequel, which would place the lithe young dancer beside the likes of Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. But surprisingly, David was relatively down to earth about his newfound fame, choosing to belittle his athletic ability: “I think one of the things we’ve established is that I have no dancing opportunities in the future. Tribute to Amelia, my partner, who stuck with me the whole way, even though I was a bit shit”.  

“A bit shit” doesn’t quite match up to David’s incredible journey on DWTS – he finished 5th on the show. It’s refreshing, however, to meet someone as modest as he is handsome. I’ll admit it took some time for David to fully open up to me, probably due to inexperience in public speaking. 

Q: What age did you dream of becoming a dancer? 

A: 34 years old, and it may have been a nightmare just after I signed the contract with MediaWorks.

Q: Why did you decide to do DWTS? 

A: A couple of things, firstly I’ve been in Parliament almost 4 years – 

Q: Oh have you? That’s great for you.

A: I’ll do the jokes, thanks. [Silence follows] 

Things seemed to pick up after that. His favourite dance routine was the Viennese Waltz, which he was quite proud of, saying it “kind of dressed me up in a dignified way for once”. Meanwhile his favourite outfit was the twerking outfit. Mine too, David. Mine too.  

It is important to note that people spent their hard-earned money to watch David Seymour dance, which to me, sounds like a glorified Stilettos. David was vague about whether or not he defined himself as a stripper: “I guess the definition of a stripper is someone who takes their clothes off and I didn’t do that …There was one [jacket taken off] during the James Bond routine, but frankly, if you were up there dancing with two girls dressed as Bond girls, you probably wouldn’t care either.” Critic would like to say that strippers are incredible dancers, and for David Seymour to be potentially placed in that category should be taken as a personal honour. It’s one thing to dance, it’s another thing entirely for people to pay for you to dance. One thing’s for sure, David’s dancing career can only go up (or down, depending on the pole). 

 David seemed weirdly keen to talk about politics, which was odd considering the election was last year and now no one gives a fuck. But to humour him, I played along. It’s sweet he has a hobby in this day and age. God knows I’ve lost all passion from my life ever since the crippling anxieties of adulthood came along. To entertain the poor boy, we played Shoot, Shag, Marry. In a round, which he described as "Shit this is one of the hardest ever,” it was between Gareth Morgan, Winston Peters and Steven Joyce. “Well I’d marry Gareth Morgan, for the money obviously, well for his son’s money. I would shoot Winston Peters, just to do New Zealand a favour. And I’d shag Steven Joyce just to see his silly grin bobbing up and down.” [Winston, if you’re reading this, you’re a silver fox and you deserve the shag, no matter what anyone else thinks].

Despite this, David still wouldn’t shut up about some free market bullshit. So the next game was looking at memes. At first he whined a bit, saying “I’m too old for memes,” but he was intrigued by the classic Dungeons and Dragons alignment chart. “Well, this is a pretty good description of New Zealand politics. NZ First is Neutral Evil. The Greens are Neutral Good; they’re lovely people but they’re doing fuck all. The Nats are Lawful Neutral, always following the law. Peter Dunn is Lawful Evil, that’s why he’s gone. Labour is Chaotic Evil. Act is Chaotic Good, so I guess I’m Chaotic Good. I’m all for freedom and kindness.” 

Though we didn’t discuss who David had voted for in the general election, I got a strong vibe he was into Jacinda. Call it foolish, but a dancer would be the perfect stay-at-home dad profession to look after young Neve. He himself admitted: “I’ve stayed at home before, I just don’t have the kid, so I’m halfway there”. 

When asked about his nickname of “Daddy Seymour” which naturally evokes father-like connotations, David stated his bamboozlement, saying “I was hoping you might help me with this, Why the fuck do people keep calling me that?” I could tell the readers of Critic what I said, but unfortunately, I think my grandparents may be reading this. 

There’s no denying it, David Seymour and his dancing is sexy. “I’m sort of a symbol for awkward sex, like the kind you’d have in your first O-Week.” I only wish that were true. I felt like we were on a more intimate level now. Under the dim lights of the Critic office, at 3pm on a Wednesday, there was a thick energy pulsating between David Seymour and I. More than mere physical attraction, it was the connection of two old souls realigning. As if we looked at each other, sighed a deep breath and said “You too?” I never used to believe in soulmates, but now I’m not so sure. I wanted to ask him if he would do the iconic Dirty Dancing lift with me. I wanted to travel the world with him. Instead, what came out of my mouth shocked us both. 

“Do you ever get lonely?” I asked, a mere breathless whisper. 

He paused. 

"No, because if you know what you believe in, then you never get lonely.”