Have you ever wanted to be an ornithologist, are you a keen bird watcher, or do you just want to catch the avian flu? Then the aviary at the botanical gardens is the place for you (disclaimer: there’s probably no avian flu at the botans, that was just a joke).
“But I've never been there,” you say. Well let me put your mind at ease. I've created an amazing and in depth bird rating system: the Mariah Careyological system, also known as the MC scale. This is an intelligent and scientific scale that critically analyses a bird’s similarities to the elusive chanteuse Mariah Carey.
There are five areas of critique: costume, voice, movement, diva attitude, and charisma. The bird is either given a yes or a no in each category. Yes is one point, no is a zero. These points are added up and the result marks their place on the MC scale:
5. Elusive
4. Butterfly Era
3. That time she was in "Don't Mess with the Zohan"
2. I don't know her
1. How 'bout you G.T.F.O
0. Delusive
I've also included some scientific sketches of the birds for you to peruse. I don't know if most ornithologists use Faber-Castell, but I'm sure they’re incredibly accurate.
Crimson Winged Parrot
4/5 - Butterfly Era
The vocals grabbed me, kind of like the security guard at Suburbia. However, unlike the 'security guard' this bird displayed amazing aerial skills. Almost made me think I was watching Pink instead of Mariah.
Blue and Gold Macaw
4/5 - Butterfly Era
Stunning! As a massive supporter of the Highlanders I can't help but agree that blue and gold is a killer colour combination, and boy this bird knew how to show it off. However, also like some of the Highlanders, this macaw was a bit … dense.
Bourke's Parrot
1/5 - How 'bout you G.T.F.O
… bless…
There were far too many in the aviary and I found it hard to be interested enough in any of them. As the saying goes ‘birds of a feather flop together’.
Yellow Tailed Black Cockatoo
5/5 - Elusive
Pretty in black with a bold yellow statement. Such an elegant combination, it's all the buzz in the best fashion hexagons. Honey, you are stunning! This Cockatoo was a total ice queen, constantly preening and wouldn't even give me the time of day. Now this is a bitch who knows how to live deliciously.
Scarlet Macaw
3/5 - That time she was in "Don't Mess with the Zohan"
Refused to sing and dance for me, just like the real Mariah Carey. Then again, this is clearly a bird who knows how to get that 'me time'. As a staunch supporter of taking it easy, I can’t argue with that. Germane to something, this Macaw had an amazingly red plumage, very festive.
Diamond Dove
3/5 - That time she was in "Don't Mess with the Zohan"
Amazing vocals. That's all I need to say. Incredibly soothing yet also mystifying and immense. The outfit was a tame yet pleasant enough mild dappled white, and the personality was a bit wooden. But with a voice like that, who needs to be interesting?!
Blue and Yellow Macaw
2/5 - I don't know her.
Lovely plumage. Once again blue and ... er, yellow, what a combo! It's a shame this bird was a bit aloof, I couldn't help but wonder 'Who does she think she is?' Truth be told I'm not quite sure how this one is different to the blue and gold. The yellow macaw is to the gold macaw as Ariana is to Mariah; the internet seems to think they’re the same thing, but I can tell the difference.
Red and Black Tailed Cockatoo
4/5 Butterfly Era
Seems like I've got a thing for a Cockatoo, what would my parents say? Black and red has been, and always will be, a great colour combo. Despite a complete lack of vocals, the aerial skills more than made up for it. She followed me around as I examined her, putting on a show while clinging to the aviary walls and hopping from chain to chain. However it did get a bit weird, and I one point I did have to ask 'Why you so obsessed with me?'
Seagulls
0/0 - Delusive
I'm not quite sure how they even got into the botans. They called me a slur and then asked for a ciggie, 'nuff said.
South Island Kaka
5/5 - Elusive
Beautiful, truly. What more is there to say, a born performer who knows not only how to grab attention, but also how to keep hold of it. Sadly, she is an endangered species. I blame the twinks for letting yet another icon flop.
The Ducks
10/5 - Words Fail Me
Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique. This is the kind of bird that I like to call “A thicc bitch, and a skinny legend”. I had them eating out of my hands, or was it the other way around?