Harry loves Sally, Oprah loves bread, and I love windows. There’s something quite special about staring sombrely out of a window, pretending you’re in some kind of indie movie where you say you hate your parents, but you secretly love them, and you can’t wait to lose your virginity, but it’s really disappointing when it finally happens. If there’s some rain and maybe a bit of thunder and lightning, then all of a sudden you’re the misunderstood protagonist of a heart-wrenching drama.
As with any proper review, there needs to be a guideline of qualities to consider. For windows it’s all about the touch, the taste, the smell, the vibe of the area, and the seating arrangements. Everything has to come together in order to provide the authentic Wes Anderson experience.
Richardson Moot Court
It’s especially nice to come here after you didn’t do so well on an assignment. You can look down at all the little people, and then remember that you too are also a tiny human being, or human being adjacent. The windows themselves didn’t have much of a taste when licked. There’s not really any comfy seating, but sometimes standing is better, so you can dramatically collapse on the floor. The only downside is that the window on the right side of the room looks out on to UniCol. So I’d stick to the left if I were you.
Window rating: 4/5 Björks
Critic Office
This may seem like a shameless plug or a sad attempt to prove my ‘loyalty’ to Critic, but it isn’t. I have no loyalty to faceless corporations and I’m only there for the free food and luxury holidays to Twizel. That being said, the windows in the Critic office are something quite special. They have a taste that lies somewhere between exhaustion and desperation, which really sets the tone for a breakdown. Plus there’s always something fascinating to watch going on in Union Lawn. One day it’s the hippies doing ‘circus skills’ the next day it’s freshers ‘studying’. Absolutely WILD. As for the seating arrangement, it’s quite special. There’s something really emotionally fulfilling about being able to sit to a life-sized cut-out of Jacinda Ardern. I fully suggest that any and every person come to the Critic office, sit next to Jacinda, and stare out of the window. That’s what I did, and now I’m writing articles, lol.
Window rating: 4/5 Junos
School of Business Café – Te Mātiti
The café is pretty good, the pies are tasty, and it’s the Business School, so there’s already an aura of sadness to get you in the mood for a pensive daydreaming. The window tasted like window, which was really unexpected. But the real catch is being able to sit by yourself and watch the Leith go by from a safe and comfortable distance. The flowing water is a great metaphor for the passing of time.
Window rating: 4/5 Manic Pixie Dream Girls
Staff Club
There’s something kind of weird about this place. The building itself is pretty cool, with the architecture and the way it overlooks the Leith, but I couldn’t help but feel an ominous energy as I entered the building. I felt like everyone was watching me, trying to sniff out whether or not I was actually a member of staff. I felt like at any moment I would be hunted down and mounted on the wall - or worse, expelled. That being said, if you’re a staff member and you’re actually supposed to be there, then it’s got some great windows to stare out of sadly, for example, after realising just how stupid the students are. Or after being made redundant. They taste pretty good too, like broken dreams and lifelong debt. The seating is also pretty comfy, so all those with retentive assholes should be fine.
Window rating: 3/5 Wickermen
Centre for Innovation
This place was a bit confusing for me. Usually when I’m going to scope out a location I like to look in through the windows to see what awaits me. But this place had tinted/opaque windows and I had no idea what lay within. I decided to bite the bullet and go in anyway. What I found was a terrifying place called “The Lab”, which is apparently a café. It was actually kind of nice in a cute rustic sort of way. The view was nice, lots of trees and some cool brick buildings. Not sure why but it made me think of ‘80s Birmingham (the UK one, not the American one). I could almost taste the Thatcher regime. The seating inside the café was nothing special, but outside there were some really cool benches and tables, all in various colours. Sadly, this review is for the inside of places so outside chairs don’t count.
Window rating: 3/5 Ladybirds
Allen Hall Turret
I really didn’t know quite what to expect from this place, since I didn’t really even know it existed before now. But it really is without a doubt a very special place in the Uni. The building itself is full of character and made me feel like I was in some sort of period drama, except without the gross lack of human rights. The taste of the place was an interesting mix of excitement and melancholy. I can’t help but feel like this is a place where dreams have been both fulfilled and shattered. The window also has a great view, overlooking the Quad. It’s great rain or sun. There aren’t any seats next to the window. But sometimes sitting, or lying, on the floor is an experience in and of itself. I honestly can’t think of any downsides, except perhaps the tiny stairs.