For this very important and very specific list, I’ve consulted an expert. Poopie*, an American exchange student, has been struggling with chronic constipation for four years now. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she’s carrying around a baby’s weight of shit, and she’s toured the European continent in search of a fecal abortion.
Let’s explore this ceramic game of thrones. And - for the record - all of this is true. There’s no bullshit, just shit shit. Or a lack of shit, really
6. Berlin
According to Poopie, Berlin is one of the worst places to get laxatives unless you’re a vegan. In the formerly divided city, a constipated character can fetch “these weird vegetable laxatives” which, despite tasting like absolute shite, don’t get the job done. It’s also apparently difficult to find any normal toothpaste there, because like the laxatives, it was all veggie grey/green. Apparently Berlin hasn’t gotten the memo that when it comes to personal care, they can give up the Soviet/Cold vibes.
Poopie: They were just gross, like you know the pills you put in your mouth and you immediately wanna throw up because it just tastes so bad? Critic: Like kratom? P: I don't know what that is. C: Nevermind.
5. Barcelona
C: Okay so, Barcelona. P: It's Bar-’theh’-lona. C: Sorry. Go ahead.
Poopie got this liquid stuff that worked pretty well in Barcelona, but is poor for travellers. You can't fly with it, and Poopie was distraught when what seemed like a Godsend got nabbed by airport security. If it wasn’t for this inconsiderate bit of liquid-laxative-hate, the city would’ve ranked higher: it was a good laxative, but poor for travellers. Only locals can be constipated in Spain.
C: So what does it feel like to be that constipated? P: Feels like rocks. Rocks in your stomach. It just feels like you’re always full, but you’re hungry. C: Can you point to where it feels on your body? (Poopie points to her abdomen, to the area just below the ribs.) P: But it affects your mood! It is scientifically proven that if you’re constipated, you’ll be more depressed. I read somewhere that when you poop you release some chemical. Also! Your gut is a representation of your bodily health, so if you're constipated you’re gonna feel shitty about your health.
You can bet your ass I fact checked this. Chronic constipation correlates with a 22% increase in anxiety diagnoses and a 33% increased risk of depression according to the National Institutes of Health. My first guess was that this is because the microbial communities in your gut (which contribute to the production of the neurotransmitters that regulate mood and emotion) could be prevented from functioning normally when in a state of constipation. However, current research actually suggests that it might be the other way around: that the microbial gut community itself may be the source of chronic constipation.
Okay - back to chatting shit.
4. Paris
In The City of Love, Poopie got packets of magnesium citrate. Apparently, this is a very strong laxative, which she has prior experience with. Usually sold in liquid form at CVS (that’s an American chemist, for you non-Yanks), it’s a big bottle that one may skull before a colonoscopy - serious shit! But this was packets, not liquid, which Poopie had never seen before, and she was a big fan. You could mix it anywhere, like instant coffee (another less powerful laxative).
P: You just plop a little packet in - really great. Honestly for travellers, perfect. Super convenient. C: Does it taste good? What’s the flavor? P: Oh, yes, absolutely. Tastes like Sprite - I mean, L&P! Lemony. Nice.
Leave it to the French to flavor even their shit-powder something tasty. And here’s where we get to some decent journalism, folks. Instant coffee definitely gets me moving to the loo, so surely there are some other substances that can substitute for a laxative. Out of all the powders, pills and pre-rolls, and according to this seasoned veteran, what’s the best drug for pooping? Without missing a beat, Poopie says it’s “liquid ecstasy, for sure. I actually made a note of that on my phone, where I take notes on all these laxatives, because I pooped when I did it. That was Amsterdam. Let’s talk Amsterdam.”
3. Amsterdam
C: Okay, so liquid ecstasy, right? P: Right. And I did shit here. Thanks to a combo of laxatives and liquid ecstasy. C: So how was that, tell us about that experience. P: Okay so the first night I did it in Amsterdam, it was so much fun, because they sell it at stores there - it’s legal. But I was the fourth person splitting this bottle, and when it comes to me, it’s fucking empty! So I got nothing. That night, not only was I the only one not on ecstasy, but I also had to shit. My friends didn’t know this, but I needed that ecstasy for more than just the high.”
But the second night, on round two of her liquid gold, Poopie got a poop. But not a real poop, it was tiny “like a rabbit poop, just a pellet”. She’s astonished. After two and a half weeks of a normal diet, all that comes out is a pellet? P: I’m like, where the fuck does it all go? I’m in Europe, I’m eating so well, it’s all this bread, cheese… where is it going? Which I still don't know the answer to. Still, to this day, I don’t know where all the food goes. I’m not even bloated or anything, like, you wouldn’t know it from looking at me that I’m literally full of shit.
2. Copenhagen
Poopie actually got sick off of laxatives in Copenhagen, but insisted that that was a different story. Why is Copenhagen ranked so high if she got sick off the laxatives?
C: So they were really bad? P: No, they were good, I just - C: You took ‘em wrong? P: Kind of. I took it with alcohol, which you shouldn’t do. C: What other drugs shouldn't you take with alcohol? P: Um.. Hm. I dunno. Every drug works well with alcohol.
A bold claim! And yet, a classic mistake. Just like all things Danish, their laxatives get worse when you put a few drinks in ‘em. Poopie gives the Danes credit for crafting an effective laxative, but scornes them for assuming that anyone in need of such a product could possibly be sober. How else are the chronically constipated supposed to deal with this problem? We drink to forget a poor mark or a painful ex, but not Poopie. Poopie drinks for relief.
1. Budapest
At the tip-top of the shit spire, we’ve got the grand city of Budapest. The success of the Hungarian laxatives is partially owed to the severity of Poopie’s situation; she ended up actually going so far as to get an ultrasound in Budapest, because she was so worried about her month-long moratorium on shitting that she suspected a permanent blockage.
P: I was a month in, rock solid hard. Like, super hard. I went to the hospital, and it was crazy, because they didn’t speak English, and I had to communicate this problem to them which was extremely awkward. Anyway, they gave me the ultrasound, and they just said “You have a lot of shit in you. You’re full of shit.” Which I’ve been told before, like in the US, I went to the hospital for ten hours, and they just told me I’m ‘full of shit’.
Unlike the US, in Budapest it was only $200 for an ultrasound, which “wasn’t bad”. After the ultrasound, the Hungarian doctors recommended a specific brand of laxative, which finally opened the dams of Poopie’s bowels. Speaking on that final, exhilarating experience, Poopie says: “I’ve honestly never been happier in my life. It was solid, not that runny, and it was a lot. Like, I knew I was getting out what I needed to get out after not pooping for that long.”
She’s looked for the Hungarian laxative in the US, but can’t find it. Like a dreamy boy in a sweaty nightclub, these Hungarian pills rearranged Poopie’s insides and were never heard from again.
Parting Words from our Party Pooper
C: What advice would you give to people who can't shit? P: I would say: magnesium citrate, if you can get it. Number one, it’ll always do the trick, but you’ll feel really bad before you poop. Most laxatives, you absolutely feel the laxatives going into your stomach. Every time I take some, I think “oh, so that's what my intestines are shaped like”. C: Do you have anything left to say? P: Um, no. Go to Budapest for laxatives, I guess. Actually! Wait! If anyone does go to Budapest, fucking please, please bring me back some laxatives! I’ll literally pay you.
[Author’s Note]: Any Budapest travellers are welcome to inquire with fox@critic.co.nz and we’ll see if we can make this work. I’m sure she’d be thankful. And if anyone has questions about pooping and wants to consult the expert, this is your chance.