If you’re single as fuck, like me, the Covid-19 lockdown is a government mandated four week dry spell. Two weeks in, and I’m wanking with my left hand so I can pretend it’s someone else. I’ve named my sex toys (Buzz and Woody) and I’m taking increasingly long, hot showers and pretending it’s a warm hug. I’ve begun to prop my pillows up around me in bed so I can pretend I’m having a cuddle, and they’re starting to smell like tears and desperation.
For the more—or less, depending on how you look at it—fortunate among us, the option exists to go into lockdown with their significant other. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ll know that this can either be heaven or hell. Spending all your time with someone else can get exhausting, and it can lead to issues with boundaries or personal space. On the flip side, it can also lead to a deeper and more meaningful understanding of your significant other, and strengthen the bonds of your relationship. Unlike your unqualified, perpetually single friend (me), couples in lockdown are probably in the best position to give relationship advice right now. Critic spoke to five couples to find out what pearls of wisdom they’ve harvested in these uncertain times.
The Decision
Clearly, the decision to spend four weeks in constant contact is not a light one, even for couples who have been together for a while. So the first question on everyone’s mind is: how do you decide whether or not to spend the lockdown together, and more importantly, can you really put up with your partner farting in bed for four whole weeks?
For Hannah* and Kevin*, the decision to go into lockdown was a last minute one. They’d only been dating for around three months long distance, and Kevin was just about to fly back to Wellington before the lockdown, when Hannah’s mum suggested they spend it together instead. Hannah and Kevin both decided to stay together because of the uncertainty around when lockdown would end, especially because they would have both been alone in their flats. Also in a new relationship, Ivan* and Sam* decided to go into lockdown after just one month together. Ivan* said that they “joked about it when it was announced, and then the day lockdown started he messaged me asking if he actually could stay.” Like Hannah and Kevin, Ivan and Sam didn’t want to be alone in their respective flats for the four weeks.
For Jacob* and Sophia*, Poppy* and Isaac*, and Rani* and Hans*, the decision to go into lockdown together was a natural one. Jacob and Sophia were also in a new relationship, but had been spending a lot of time together even before the lockdown, so they prepared for it in due fashion. Their biggest decision was deciding which flat to spend quarantine at. Jacob said that “we decided hers because all my flatties pissed me off” and Sophia said that quarantining with Jacob at hers allowed her a “buffer” during the extra time spent with her flatmates. Another couple, Poppy and Isaac, already shared a flat, although they technically had not been living together before the lockdown as Isaac was in Invercargill. They said that they never really spoke about the lockdown but it was natural for them to spend it together given their existing living arrangement in Dunedin. Finally, Rani and Hans had been in a relationship for two years before the lockdown began. Both their parents were healthcare workers so they couldn’t go home, and they decided to spend the time together instead.
Love in Lockdown
Once our couples had made the decision to spend the lockdown together, there was no escape. The lockdown is essentially a crash course in living together, and they had to adapt quickly to each other’s routines, make new ones and set boundaries, especially since their spaces were now so confined.
For our new couples especially, spending so much time together in quarantine was a big change in their relationship. Hannah and Kevin said that “living together is such a different ballpark. You learn the little intricacies [about each other] that you wouldn’t have picked up before…. It feels really grown up but it’s fun.” They’ve said that they’ve managed to avoid conflict so far as they’re really good at communicating. For Ivan and Sam, there have been good experiences as well as bad. Sam has been making all their meals, which they both find really nice. However, “we’ve had one fight and it was a pretty serious one, but we worked through it.” Sam has also realised that Ivan “burp[s] way too much for a normal person,” while Ivan has noticed that “[Sam] doesn’t shower everyday like I do and it feels weird that I’ve adapted to his routine. I don’t like it.”
For many of our couples, the time in isolation has brought them closer together. Hannah and Kevin have “gotten to know more about each other and spend physical time together which we couldn’t do during long distance,” while Poppy and Isaac have “definitely gotten closer and communicate better because we have to,” and Ivan and Sam have gotten “too comfortable with each other and a lot more affectionate”. Jacob and Sophia found that the time together has lead to “way more sex and way more vaping” but that it’s led to them being better at communicating, “especially if we have small disagreements because you can’t just let it fester when you’re stuck together, you have to go ‘hey, you’re pissing me off’. I feel like that’s healthy.”
At a trying time like this, boundaries are also increasingly important. Some couples have found clear boundaries to be a necessary and useful aspect of spending quarantine together. Rani and Hans have found that they can “avoid conflict by spending lots of time apart… we try not to interact unless we need to during the day.” Hannah and Kevin are much the same, stating that “we make sure to have some alone time... If one of us feels like shit or needs some space, we tell the other person. There's no bad blood or anything because we both get it. It's such a hard time that communication is more important than ever.” Other couples, however, are finding it hard to establish clear boundaries, with Poppy and Isaac stating “Boundaries? What’s that?” Similarly, Ivan and Sam have found that they don’t really have boundaries, more of an unspoken agreement that “when it’s work/study time we’re pretty serious about that and keep to ourselves, but any other time it’s pants off babey!”
Parting Advice
Finally, Critic asked our couples what advice they would give to others currently in the same situation, or even looking to move in together in the future.
Across the board, our couples emphasised open communication and the need to give each other space. Poppy and Isaac noted that you shouldn’t “take it too seriously and [you should] use it as a way to make your relationship better because I can safely assume there will never be another situation where you’re pretty much trapped with your [significant other].” Similarly, Jacob and Sophia said to “try and keep some remnant of your personal space … and when you do things together on purpose, try to make sure it’s something you both enjoy.” Ivan noted that you shouldn’t “be afraid to ask for space. Sometimes it’s the people you love the most that are going to drive you crazy.” Hannah agreed and added “I think just communicate with one another. It's scary, and stressful, but you can do it. Just remember to [sort] out your priorities and be open with one another.” Finally, Hans and Rani said to “Give each other space. And maybe organise something small to do together. Like we do this thing where before bed we tell each other a new interesting fact that we didn’t know before. Just so we have something different to talk about.”
Cute, right? And sickening. I’m off to have a cry-wank.