Ever wanted to fuck a smartphone app? Me neither, but that doesn’t mean you’ve never been curious about how loving of a partner they’d be. Critic set up an artificial intelligence to court and report on a bunch of apps, and the resulting “heartbreak index” was used to rank these apps from most toxic and manipulative to most tender and loving.
Garbage Tier
Facebook
Celebrity equivalent: Kanye West
You started seeing Facebook when you were really young. Facebook was young, too, so it didn’t seem like a problem, but the few years they had on you really became a big deal. They quickly became an incredibly toxic partner, and tried multiple times to suck you deeper and deeper into their shitty pyramid schemes. They used to play the Joe Rogan podcast at full volume throughout the night, and although you used to have fun afternoons playing Flash games, the relationship ended explosively. While your parents and friends have warned you that if you keep seeing Facebook you’ll end up in prison for a hate crime, it’s hard to hate someone who validates everything you say.
Instagram
Celebrity equivalent: Amber Heard
You knew Instagram was trouble from the beginning. They came in from out of town, all flash and shiny and new, and you thought that somehow you were special enough for them. Instagram recognized your weaknesses right away, and thus began a long and toxic relationship. Instagram would constantly compare you to your prettier friends, your more adventurous friends, your more successful friends, knowing that you’d never break up with them because if you lost them, you lost the coolest thing you had. It was only once you saw Instagram getting with Facebook that you lost your shit and pulled the plug, and you’ve never looked back.
Snapchat
Celebrity equivalent: Jake Gyllenhaal
Snapchat was a few years older than you when you started dating, and while they were the hottest shit on the block back in the day, their style is beginning to wane. You don’t really want to start seeing snapchat again because it’s honestly a bit embarrassing at this point. Snapchat was never here to play the long game, and you knew that. They’ve got major commitment issues, and to top it all off, they would never last more than ten seconds unless you stuck your thumb in just the right spot.
Pretty Bad Tier
LinkedIn
Celebrity equivalent: Gwyneth Paltrow
Oh, the sweet romance of LinkedIn. They were your tutor in year 13, the hot one from Uni that you used to bat your eyelashes at. And while they were far too responsible to risk getting with you when you were younger, the fantasy was never out of reach. You bumped into them again, years later, and after a few drinks, you took them home for one of the best nights of your life. Very rarely does reality live up to a fantasy, but the night you really got serious with LinkedIn was one of the most exciting nights of your life. LinkedIn fucked you harder than the the corporate world fucked the middle class. Unfortunately, the older you’ve gotten, the more you’ve realised that they’re just really into business and want to talk about their ten tricks for success. Not as cute as you remember, unfortunately. They keep sending you emails, begging to meet up again, and apparently they even went through your phone and emailed all of your friends asking them to join you two for a date. Probably best avoid them from now on.
Twitter
Celebrity equivalent: Ellen DeGeneres
Twitter was a coworker that you knew you had some chemistry with, but never got fully involved. After a few drinks, Twitter got you talking, and you said some things to them that you probably shouldn’t have. Twitter was not the confidant that you expected, and they told all your mates that you kinda-sorta-maybe think that 9/11 was an inside job, and now you’re getting weird looks from everyone. It’s not Twitter’s fault that they have the attention span of a five year old and can barely finish a sentence, but Jesus Christ they’re annoying to talk to.
CoStar
Celebrity equivalent: Courtney Love
You hooked up with CoStar years ago, and they’re still trying to text you back. They hit you up every two weeks, and they always say that you'll be great friends but they just aren't. They’re flaky. You’ve gotten on the piss with them so many times since then, and they always try to make plans to go get coffee, but they absolutely never follow through. Each time you’ve gotten together with them, they’ve ghosted you, and all you see from them is a post on their story that says some shit like “getting rid of the negativity in my life… light and lov xx”. You know it’s bullshit.
NZ Covid Tracer App
Celebrity equivalent: Hugh Grant
Let’s be honest, your parents set you up with the NZ Covid Tracer App. You didn’t really want to start seeing them, but you didn’t have much of a choice. At the end of the day, they were never that bad: they were simple, reliable, and pretty harmless. Things started to get weird when you began to feel like all of your friends were seeing them, too, but then suddenly everyone kinda stopped caring, and whatever lust you had developed for the NZ Covid Tracer App was turned to a sort of alarmist nostalgia. The relationship didn’t go the way you thought it would, and what was once a reliable, if not overbearing partner is now remembered as a control freak. Every time their cousin comes on the TV, you turn it off. Things are weird now.
Pretty Good Tier
YouTube
Celebrity equivalent: Joe Jonas
You used to make out with YouTube under the bleachers as a kid. And that’s okay, they were a kid too. After you moved away, you kept in touch with them as you two grew up, and you definitely have mixed feelings still. On one hand, they’re still as cool, cultured and well-read as you remember, but on the other hand, they’ve gotten really into the corporate scene, and it’s really not that hot. You try to keep things professional between you now, but you can tell that in another few years’ time, who knows? YouTube could be scrambling your guts in a motel in Gore.
Reddit
Celebrity equivalent: Robert Downey Jr.
Dating Reddit was the best of times and the worst of times. They were so, so interesting to talk to, and always had something to add to the conversation, but they also refused to ever let you win an argument. Things started out smoothly with them, but after you started to gain some attention from Reddit’s friends, they clamped down HARD. After a long relationship, you began to realise that their interesting facts are mostly just repeats of old facts, and that they’re not nearly as cultured as you assumed. You left, got sober, and never went back. Reddit has since started seeing another of your friends, and it hurts you to hear them talk about “how amazing Reddit is”, because you know what’s coming. In the end, though, it was definitely fun. Maybe they’ll be a more suitable partner once they mature a bit.
TikTok
Celebrity equivalent: Timothée Chalamet
Your TikTok romance came on hot and fast. They were young, they were fit, and they were so interesting. Conversation flowed like shitty wine, and before you knew it, they were sleeping over every night. The red flags were there, sure, but so were plenty of green ones, and the sex was great so it didn’t really matter. Things started to get dicey when TikTok started inviting you to nutso conspiracy meetings, and no matter how many times you said you didn’t want to hear about it, they just kept pestering you. Now, they’re making sure you know about all their other friends who are way hotter and way smarter, and while their jokes are still great, you’re starting to feel like it may not be worth the risk. TikTok feels like a loaded cannon that’s just waiting to go off, and will probably treat you like Facebook or Instagram did.
Glorious Tier
NZ Topographic Satellite Map (50 metre intervals)
Celebrity equivalent: Keanu Reeves
The best thing about dating NZ Topo 50 is that you can be 99% sure that you won’t have to share with anyone. There were never infidelity issues, because NZ Topo 50 mostly kept to themselves. That being said, the few people you know who also dated NZT50 are great friends with you, you’re all into hiking and that sort of thing, and there’s never been any friction. The most mind-boggling thing is why NZT50 hasn’t been a complete dog, because with a package as full and complete as theirs, it's a marvel that everyone else in Dunedin hasn’t taken their turn. This is probably due to the fact that NZT50 has some pretty niche interests and is a bit of a golddigger, but goddamn, you really wish you’d tied the knot on that one.
Shazam
Celebrity equivalent: Beyoncé
You never actually dated Shazam, but the two of you fucked at band camp once. You’ve got nothing bad to say about them, and to be honest, you kinda wish it’d been a bit more than a one night stand. You remember that steamy night in the recording studio very fondly. It’s doubtful you’ll ever meet again, but ever since, they’ve become a good friend, and while you probably won’t be seeing a “U up?” text from them any time soon, you know that they’ll always have your back.
Spotify
Celebrity equivalent: Pete Davidson
Spotify is a weird one because you knew everyone else was fucking them, too, and you were fine with it. Things started between you and ol’ Spots several years ago, and they never officially ended. You definitely still come back to them now and then, and you’ve got some of their nudes still saved on your phone. It’s definitely a little concerning that they’re becoming more and more aligned with the public figureheads of opulence and capitalism, but at the end of the day, Spotify knows exactly what you want, exactly how to please you, and curates everything they do just to make your day better. There’s just something great about being with Spotify, and, inexplicably, you’re not even slightly jealous of the fact that Spotify is currently sleeping with all of your mates.