I love getting shit for free. So, when I was able to swap a half-empty Billy Mav for an (obviously superior) blue lighter, I was hooked. I gave myself 24 hours to upgrade that half-empty can of shite to whatever glory awaited me. One man even offered me his children at one point, which I figured would’ve been an undeniable increase in value, but I also don’t support human trafficking, so.
After rummaging around the flat, well-stocked with treasures from the night before, my starting loot was found: a partially full, mostly carbonated Billy Mav and a somewhat-used pink lemonade disposable vape. The adventure began. I got three paces out the door before I realised I have absolutely no sales skills.
This task needed to employ the help of a person who could convince students of anything. Someone who could, say, convince thousands of students to sign up for a club with no purpose other than signing up. Who could possibly do such a thing? Sign Up Club President Reid Eberwein, of course. After some mild begging (and a false promise of splitting the booty 50/50), we were off once again, this time with a signed copy of Reid’s Critic cover.
Equipment for the long day ahead included the Billy Mav, vape, two top quality masks, good walking shoes, and a muesli bar for the walk in case we got a bit peckish. We were ready to stroll the streets of Studentville. First stop: Castle Street.
The first few houses were hesitant to take a random pre-opened drink from strangers, which, to be honest, is probably smart, even if Reid was clearly putting his reputation on the line for this trade. Castle Street was looking barren and students were locking their doors faster than they leave a Zoom lecture. As we began to lose hope, the generous queens at Honeypot flat took in our goods in return for a blue Bic lighter. It may not have been the best trade but it was the first one, kicking off the rest of our adventure. First times are usually mediocre, anyway.
Our next stop was across the road, where our host agreed to trade the used lighter for a 250 mL green V. The rest of the street was not looking promising. Unsurprisingly, no one had much else to trade besides more drinks and random garbage lying around their flats. Thus, the journey continued to Leith.
Caitlin, from a complex on Leith, graciously traded our pathetic green V for a bigger sugar-free berry twist V. We weren’t holding onto that berry twist for long, as Derek, from the same complex, became a proud owner of the V in exchange for a Long White. Score. However, we decided the strategy of trading drinks for drinks would only get us so far, and so when the boys on Leith offered another Billy Mav, we had to turn them down.
Our next reasonable barter came from some lovely girls in another complex further down, who were willing to exchange a gold necklace for the Long White. This may have been a game changer. The necklace, made from shiny (hopefully fake) gold, got our foot in the door for so many more trading opportunities. This was the turning point. Across the road, a flat full of dudes didn’t look like they really wanted a gold necklace, but to our surprise, Lewis, like the absolute king he is, traded the shoes off his feet for our gold necklace. They were size 12 Puma suedes. They had holes in the back and likely had never been cleaned, but they came from the bottom of Lewis’s heart (i.e. directly off his feet) and that was good enough for us.
Samuel was our next game changer. Samuel took in the shoes and gave us a very nice winter coat in return. He told us he would have given us his guitar but he liked it too much.
The jacket was more than enough, though. Warm, cosy, fashionable; it was everything one could want from a jacket, or a lover. I’m so lonely.
The stoke at this point was high. The next flat offered a sub-par poster which had to be turned down, but one flatmate, Eddy, was kind enough to donate Otago Uni jandals towards the cause with nothing in return. Thanks, Eddy.
The trades only went up from here. The Uni branded jandals alongside that jacket is peak Dunedin winter fashion, and anyone would have been lucky to cop this fit. One lucky man did, in fact, cop this fit: Ruadhri of Forth Street. Ruadhri traded us his magenta cocktail dress and a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey for our jandals+jacket combo. We did not ask why he had these items or how much they had been used. Instead they were graciously accepted, and the Great 24hr Trade-Up was picking up speed.
Harbour Terrace provided even greater exchanges. One flat just straight up ignored our knock, despite their hallway being wide open to the street, but as they say, when one door ignores you another door opens up. Or something like that, I dunno, I’ve never actually used a door. Lydia and Janaya were insanely kind, and were so overly stoked about Fifty Shades of Grey that they traded a fully functional coffee machine. A fucking coffee machine! It was apparently an extra one and gladly got swapped. You don’t need caffeine when you have thoughts of Mr. Grey to wake you up and get you going.
At this point, door knocking was becoming less promising. Not a lot of students have big ticket items that they’re willing to trade with on the spot for something like a coffee machine. One student offered “a topless chef experience with two flatmates of your choosing to cook a three course meal for you”, and while her flatmate's cooking was enticing, there were bigger and better things on the horizon. It was time to go to the shining beacon of desperation for students trying to get a good deal: Otago Flatting Goods.
After the original post went up, offers were flooding in from someone offering me homebrew “top shelf” whiskey, another proposing “a vintage mirror”, and Chris who generously offered to “swap you my kids”. Shot mate, but I might have to check with our lawyers first. A tattoo gun was also a highly tempting proposition. Decisions had to be made. In the end however, none of these objects were as good as the shiny coffee machine. The 24 hour time limit was closing and a good ‘ol cup of joe was tempting.
After a busy day of trading and bargaining, the coffee machine got posted for sale on Trade Me. They say if you love something, put it on Trade Me and if it comes back to you, it truly loves you. So that’s what I did, and it did not come back. I took the cash made from this incredible day of wheeling and dealing and headed straight to the casino to unwind. Always bet on red. Sometimes the gambling gods are with you, and sometimes they are not. Despite all my luck earlier in the day, this time, they were not, and I immediately lost all of the gains we’d made on our trading journey. But hey, if you stop and think about it, maybe the real trade up was the friends we made along the way.