News

New research by global comparison site Finder has made the shocking revelation that people like to buy shit while drunk. Every breatha who has bought a new vape after their first Mav of the night could tell you as much.
 
According to their research, involving “a nationally representative survey of 1,507 respondents,”  37% of Kiwi adults – around 1.3 million people – have bought stuff online whilst on the piss. Common purchases included food deliveries, clothes, and (surprise, surprise) even more alcohol. More peculiarly, 3% of respondents admitted to getting pets while under the influence. I guess buying that teacup pig as a “long-term investment” for “unlimited bacon” doesn’t seem like such a good idea the morning after.
 
Gen Z were found to be the worst offenders; 55% had made a drunken purchase according to the survey. Naturally, it wasn’t hard for Critic Te Arohi to find stories of students’ drunken splurges. Perhaps the most wholesome online purchase was a delivery of 30 cheeseburgers to a local shopping mall by one charitable slosher, “in case homeless people lived there”. Mother Teresa would be proud. 
 
It doesn’t always go so wholesomely, though. Aidan told us the sordid tale of how he mistakenly sent a midnight curry order to the wrong address. “I kept waiting and like an hour had gone by…I was even starting to sober up,” he said. “Then I got a call from an ex asking me why I had just shipped an extra spicy curry to their house in the middle of the night, on the other side of the city.”
 
Amelia, a student who enjoys the occasional bevvy or two, told Critic Te Arohi about how a night on the piss ended with a “mysterious Chinese package” showing up at her front door three months later. While Critic has had its fair share of mysterious Chinese packages over the years, this one turned out to be far more sensual than even we expected: a whopping 1 x 2 metre tapestry of everyone’s favourite swamp ogre, posing seductively under the words “This is My Swamp Now”. “It’s in the fireplace of our flat, where it has been for two years because one of our flatmates fucking hates it,” said Amelia.
 
Finder’s editor warned against the drunken activity, fearing it may lead to buyers’ remorse: “It’s best to shop with a clear head...being alert and comparing more efficiently means you could potentially save yourself some money in the process.” To this, we counter: where is the fun in that?