News

Last Tuesday hundreds of freshers packed Logan Park in their colour-coordinated and wittily-branded hall T-shirts, to take part in semi-formal passive-aggressive athletic pursuits. Plenty of skills were on show in volleyball, touch, netball and soccer but many chose to keep it casual to avoid being branded a hard out.

The day also provided an opportunity for University dignitaries to mix with their newest customers (otherwise known as “students”). Vice-Chancellor Harlene Hayne was tasked with manning the catering gazebo. She spent the day handing out sausages like they were tourism degrees, along with a friendly word and a smile.

OUSA president Logan Edgar took it upon himself to organise first-years who were not in Halls into a 40-strong team. They even had their own T-shirts with the word “locals” on the back, thus clearly labelling them as the unattached misfits that they are. Clad in a fetching kilt, Logan strode around Logan Park (which, Critic would like to clarify, is not actually his park) dishing out iceblocks and classic chants such as: “Locals yo, locals yo, we’ll take you down like a $10 dollar ho.” Sophia Mackie of Studholme responded with “Dicks out for the girls! Dicks out for the girls! [repeat until fade],” Sadly for Sophia, it didn’t catch on.

First-years (especially Arana kids) were gutted to find out that no scores were kept from this year’s event and no overall winner was crowned. A Unipol spokesperson claimed that “it’s just a social thing”, but Arana RA “Big Boy” added the caveat that “we all know who won”. Fuck Arana indeed.