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OUSA were donated 200 seats from the deceased Carisbrook stadium last Wednesday, none of which have legs. They are to be sold to students for a gold coin donation, with all proceeds going to Rotary to help organisations such as the Neonatal Trust of Otago and the Yellow Eyed Penguin Trust.

Joining your humble reporter on his office floor for an interview, OUSA President Francisco Hernandez reasoned that the stadium “were looking to get rid of them, and we thought it would be a good opportunity for charity to give these chairs to students who may want a little piece of history for a gold coin donation.”

Asked whether he thought the availability of chairs to students was lacking, Hernandez retorted, “this is not about the chairs. It’s about owning a piece of history.”

As for what would be done in the event that there were lots of chairs left over, Hernandez contested that “there won’t be any left over. That’s like asking me what will happen if the sun doesn’t rise tomorrow.

“I’ll donate the gold coins myself and dump the chairs in my basement if no one wants them. I’m confident they’ll go. Otherwise, I can use all my Zentech trial money for them.”

Hernandez also figured that some famous bums had sat on the chairs. “There are people as famous as the Dalai Lama to people as infamous as myself,” he said. Critic contested that the Dalai Lama had never attended a Carisbrook event, to which Hernandez responded, “it’s about arse print transfer, isn’t it? In which case the Dalai Lama doesn’t need to have sat on the seat himself, but probably sat on another chair, after which someone else sat on that same chair and went to Carisbrook, transferring his arse-print.

“It’s like if someone has an STD. If I have sex with that person, unprotected, and another person has sex with me, then that next person now has the same STD. It’s the same principle.”

Hernandez also contested that the practicality of a chair with no legs doesn’t matter because, for the umpteenth time, “it’s about owning a piece of history. It’s not about the chair. How useful were the bits of the Berlin Wall that people came and collected? The pieces weren’t doing their job of segregating the population, but people still bought it to own a piece of history.”

Hernandez did not know at the time of the interview how many chairs had already sold, but believed they were “selling like hot cakes.” This quickly transcended into a deep philosophical discussion about the market demand for hot cakes in Dunedin, which “doesn’t necessarily mean they’re selling fast. This might be a country where no one likes hot cakes. This might be a country where there has been a big flour-poisoning scandal and no one buys any wheat-based products.”

Ever the “Action Fran” (a term he coined himself), he then checked in with the Recreation Centre on Wednesday afternoon to establish that “about 30” of the chairs had been sold, having been put on sale four hours prior.

“So hot cakes sell quite well here. It’s probably because it’s so cold. Actually, are they hot cakes in Dunedin or pancakes?”