Steven Joyce
Could we begin anywhere else? The loveable (see: insufferable) loaf that is the authority on tertiary education for the National Party, Steven Joyce has consistently made it just that little bit harder for us for a while now. So much so, that in 2012 he got the title of “Cunt of the Year” for Critic’s yearly roundup. Joyce went to Massey, where he began attempting to be a vet. It didn’t quite work out, so he ended up with a degree in zoology. Critic wonders if he’s ever used it.
Prior to 1989, university in New Zealand didn’t have any tuition fees. That’s right – it was totally and utterly free to skip your shitty marketing lecture and fail POLS101. Students also received a living allowance, making it outrageously affordable to live the life of a student for a few years. In 1989, the Education Act changed this, introducing fees. Old mate Steven went to Massey before this increase, meaning when he went to university he paid pretty much nothing, and was free to distribute his dulcet tones to the radio-listening Palmerston North public (he later continued to do this in New Plymouth).
Now, his degree would cost a grand total of $19,954.50. This estimate has been calculated through adding three years of BSc fees to the various miscellaneous Massey admin costs. If we make a couple of outrageous assumptions about Joyce’s personal life and include a living costs loan (x3 years, not including summer school) and course-related costs loans (x3 years for obvious non-course-related usage), then his total loan comes to $43,013.94 or the equivalent of around 42 toupees.
Maryan Street
If we head over to the red team, we find Maryan Street as Labour’s Spokesperson for Tertiary Education. Maryan Street has been thoroughly involved in social policy-type work since graduating, working in housing, unions, and ACC. Her Labour profile lists her as an academic, quite the status given how much it costs to become one these days. She was also the President of the Labour Party for a couple of years in the 1990s. According to Labour’s website, Maryan has a BA(Hons) in English from Vic and a Masters in Philosophy from Auckland. Juicy. The English degree leaves us with approximately $23,488 in fees and admin costs, while a Masters in Auckland costs roughly $8,117. Add that to five years of living costs and course-related costs? It adds up to a shocking $70,037.40. Shit. That equates to 1,167 blazers from Glassons.
David Clendon
David Clendon is the Green MP with the tertiary education portfolio, even though we hear more from Holly Walker and Gareth Hughes on the youth policy front. David is a born-and-raised North Islander, with a penchant for community initiatives and a serious dedication to that province all the way up North that has all those seagulls. Like Maryan, David has a couple of degrees. He has a BA in Education and Politics, and a Masters in Human Resources. The Greens website doesn’t specify where David went to university, so I’ve made the executive decision to base his course costs on those provided by the Auckland University website. His BA equates to $19,569, while his Masters perhaps would cost $7,397. Added to the loan costs that have lovingly been distributed? A total of $57,711.92, or 1,924 pairs of gumboots from Number One Shoes.
New Zealand First
The New Zealand First spokesperson for tertiary education, Tracey Martin, doesn’t have a university degree (according to the New Zealand First website). While there’s nothing wrong with that, it makes this article less fun. So we’ve gone for Barbara Stewart, another New Zealand First MP, who is “inextricably bound to the Waikato area.” Much of her CV involves personnel management, business, and other company-related terms. She has also been heavily involved in education, having taught at both the primary and the secondary level. Barbara has a Bachelor of Education and a Diploma of Teaching from Waikato University. When that is all added together with student loans in the same slightly dodgy manner as with our other participants, that reaches a total of $55,683.92. What is that the equivalent of? 1,856 people getting a return bus ride from Auckland to Hamilton on election day.
ACT
The ACT website doesn’t reveal who is the spokesperson for tertiary education, so I texted my new best friend David Seymour to enquire. He said they don’t officially have one, but to use him instead. David holds a Bachelor of Arts and a Bachelor of Engineering, both from Auckland, and attended for five years between 2001 and 2006. When he attended, “it was about $640 for BE and $480 for Arts,” according to his text anecdote. Now, however, all that fancy education adds up to $42,321.25; add on the imaginary living costs and you get a terrifying $80,753.65, or enough to buy thirteen super high-quality video cameras for his next YouTube extravaganza.
Maori Party
The Maori Party’s website annoys me as there’s no “search” function, and I had to go trawling through all three of the candidate profiles to hunt out exactly who takes care of tertiary education. Tariana Turia is the tertiary education spokesperson, but her biography doesn’t say whether or not she holds a degree, so I went to Te Ururoa Flavell. He deals with Maori education, so it sort of fits. Holding a Bachelor of Arts in Maori Studies and Anthropology from Auckland and a Master of Arts in Maori from Waikato means his fees would also be pretty up there. It’s those pesky postgrad degrees. All of that and a loan equates to roughly $64,714.72, or 593 Baby-G watches from Fishpond, so he can turn up to his interviews on time.
Conservatives
The Conservative Party’s website isn’t particularly conducive to figuring out exactly what candidate stands for what. I guess they all just stand for something. By default, I went to Colin Craig to figure out exactly what he’d be paying for if he attended university now. For regular readers of Critic’s politics section, you’ll know he was interviewed early this year; and you’ll know that aside from his outrageously ridiculous views, he’s actually a pretty nice guy (please don’t sue me for defamation, Colin). A Christian from Howick, the majority of Colin’s education took place in Auckland. He has a double degree in Arts and Commerce, and has done “post-graduate study at Massey University,” according to his Wikipedia page. Given how unspecific that was, and given how well Colin has done in the business sphere, I went with commerce. Overall? $64,831.42. That’s enough to buy 150 photo shoots comprising six images. Photoshop included.
Internet Party
The spokesperson for tertiary education within the Internet Party is Miriam Pierard. As she is not a known figure in NZ politics and doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, hunting out her tertiary qualifications involved finding her LinkedIn profile – something I normally prefer not to do, as the website notifies the owner of the profile each time someone views it, and it makes me look a bit like a stalker. An Aucklander through and through, Miriam once attended Epsom Girls Grammar and taught at St Cuthbert’s. She also attended university in Auckland, having obtained a BA in history and politics and a Graduate Diploma in teaching. She also has a language course degree from somewhere in Colombia, but we won’t go into that. Adding up all that education gives us $46,214.92, or 51 years of Slingshot Internet.
Overall?
Just for fun, I’ve gone and added up all those fees. For just eight people to attend university, a tool that helped them achieve their wildest dreams (assuming NZ politics is the pinnacle of dreams), something that would have cost most of them absolutely nothing, now would cost $482,961.89. Which is, incidentally, still not enough to buy a house in Auckland. But that’s another issue.