News

This is it. The final Critic of the year. A year of the most tumultuous election activity we could have asked for; a year of the weirdest gaffs; and a year of the most frustratingly normal results. It got so strange that Twitter began to wonder when we’d hit “peak cray,” and a simple search of the term shows that the hunt for peak cray tapped into the philosophical side of punditry.

So, when did we hit peak cray? Watching the election evolve as it did means it’s difficult to make a judgement – the three months of hardcore campaigning were full of ridiculous news articles and even more ridiculous politicians. To give the peak cray award would be to assume a single event is more cray than another, when the true crayness, I think, is the sum of the cray parts. Let’s borrow a metaphor from the right wing, and consider peak cray a three-headed hydra.

The body would be Dirty Politics. Whether you vehemently deny it or consider it an example of the abhorrent behaviour we’re expected to tolerate, it formed the basis for much of the cray to come. The raid on Nicky Hager’s house last week, a disgusting affront to his journalistic rights, shows the National Party is still trying to slay the Peak Cray Beast forever.

The arms would be Kim Dotcom and the Moment of Truth. Each were designed to call attention to the corruption within our government, but each squeezed the New Zealand populace just that little bit too hard; and despite the arms digging their nails into Te Tai Tokerau, Kelvin Davis broke their grip.

The first head would be Judith Collins. It is not in every country that a Justice Minister resigns right before an election for gross misconduct, but we were lucky enough to watch that event transpire. Slightly rabid and wildly childish, Collins was decapitated early enough that she didn’t cost her party poll points. She was the scapegoat for all of National’s dirty dealings.

The second head would be the Labour Party. Despite a positive campaign and a collection of policies that would benefit many who ignored them, Labour just couldn’t seem to dissociate itself from the notion that it was in disarray. An ear on Labour’s head would be TarnBabe67, the fake Twitter account Cunliffe’s wife used to insult those who didn’t support him.

The third head would be Eminem, whose appearance on the National Party opening broadcast spurred a bizarre legal case against the government. On Eminem’s head, the nose would be John Oliver, who made fun of Steven Joyce for considering the breach of copyright “pretty legal.”

The legs have to go to the bloggers. On the right is, without a doubt, Whale Oil. An off-putting combination of self-righteousness and total cuntery, Whale Oil bears the brunt of the Dirty Politics body. He’s still going, however, and I think there are a few people out there who consider him important. I’m not one of them.

The left leg, I’m sorry to say, is Martyn “Bomber” Bradbury. It would be easy to give it to David Farrar, but Bradbury has consistently undermined many people on the left who he was thought to represent. His volatility, in combination with his twitchy “block-them-from-the-website-for-disagreeing-with-me” toe, means he is in danger of ruining the Daily Blog.

Finally, there is the tail. This has to be the result of the election – a new country called the Autonomous Republic of North Otepoti, “a collective of households and flats which have declared independence from New Zealand.” Okay.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few spots and scars here and there (and I’m sure Colin Craig is a spike along Peak Cray’s back at the very least), but there it is. The Peak Cray Beast, who ravaged our newsfeeds for months, only to keel over and die at the foot of Winston Peters’ election night party. The Peak Cray Beast, whose misunderstood beasty-ness, in the end, undermined all he set out to do. The Peak Cray Beast, who only wanted to be the Princess, but ended up being the Frog.

Rest in peace, Peak Cray Beast. Please get your shit together for next time should you choose to regenerate Doctor Who-style.