News

For this sad occasion, the last issue of Critic for this year, we go the tear-soaked nostalgia desk and revisit some of the most memorable sporting moments of 2014, pointing out when we got things right with our predictions and conveniently not mentioning when we got things wrong. Thanks for reading this overtly subjective and partisan column and we’ll be back next year unless our new editor, Josie, pulls the sports page in favour of increased coverage of car repair hacks.

Silver Ferns take their name a little too literally
Due to my strong republican feelings (not the crazy Fox News-kind) about New Zealand’s continued status as a relic of the fallen British Empire, I chose not to devote any of the valuable pages of Critic to coverage of the “poor man’s Olympics,” the Commonwealth Games. There were some good, gold-winning individual performances but we were let down in the team sports. The Sevens team lost the gold medal match to South Africa, making them undeserving of the name "All Blacks Sevens." Equally as disappointing were the two-time reigning netball champions, the Silver Ferns, who suffered a miserable 18-point defeat to those insufferable Australians. A recent rematch in Invercargill ended in a similar margin of defeat, proving the Commonwealth Games result wasn’t a fluke. While I support New Zealand becoming an independent republic, I don’t support us adopting the logo of a second-rate netball team as our national flag.

Spurs sale of Bale delivers for real (look, it’s pronounced ray-el not reel, ok?)
After Gareth Bale left the North-East London no-hopers, Tottenham Hotspur, for a world record-breaking transfer fee, he said he had one ambition – to return Real Madrid to the winner’s podium of club football’s biggest prize, the Champions League, as they had not won the coveted trophy since 2002. The final would see them face their city rivals Atlético Madrid and the Atléti went ahead early in the final, played in Portugal’s capital Lisbon, but Bale’s goal in extra time effectively sealed their tenth European Cup, justifying his astronomical $175 million fee. Bale had already helped deliver the domestic Copa del Ray trophy for Real, scoring a late winner against their other bitter rivals, Barcelona.

Highlanders provide the best All Blacks and return to Super Rugby finals
Once they had gotten rid of Ma’a Nonu, 2014 was always going to be a good year for the Highlanders, as predicted by Critic and no doubt inspired by their sponsorship deal with the University of Otago. Jamie Joseph’s team made it back into the Super Rugby final playoffs for the first time since 2002 but it was a short lived experience, though, as they narrowly lost to the Sharks in Durban in the first round. We were robbed but next year will be our year. However, the unrelated brothers Ben and Aaron Smith continued to show why they are first-choice picks for the All Blacks and we also saw the rise of Malakai Fekitoa, who has stepped up and taken his chances in the black jersey. Number 10 Lima Sopoaga also had a good year after being unconvincing over the previous few seasons. He broke Tony Brown’s long-standing point scoring record for the Highlanders and recorded one of the best accuracy rates in the competition.

In Soviet Russia, olympic fails you!
The Winter Olympics hosted by Russia were not a particularly memorable event for sporting reasons, especially for New Zealand, who failed to win any medals where Australia won three. Even the glorious nation of Kazakhstan managed a cheeky bronze in the men’s figure skating. The games became better known for the amusingly poor conditions of the athletes’ village accommodation. There were a wide range of hilarious problems, from multiple cases of athletes getting locked in their rooms because of door knobs falling off, and there were the bizarre double toilet stalls, yellow, caustic tap water and menacing packs of stray dogs roaming the oddly-named Sochi streets. Well, they only had seven years to prepare. Surprisingly, Tinder was one of the big winners, as they got a lot of publicity from
good-looking athletes who had nothing better to do than hook up with each other, making use of the 100,000 condoms provided. One of the biggest fails came in the opening ceremony when one of the five sparkly flower things failed to light up and expand to form the Olympic rings. It turned out that President Vladimir Putin was so outraged that shortly after the Olympics ended he decided to invade Ukraine where the faulty piece of equipment was built.

Oh Richie you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Richie!
Not exactly surprising, but the All Blacks mopped the floor with England over their three tests and then went on to win yet another Rugby Championship in typically dominant style. They put a record-breaking score past the woeful Wallabies, with Richie McCaw grabbing a double and breaking some personal records as well. He was in fine form over the tournament, even popping up out on the wing for a memorable try against South Africa. It wasn’t all plain sailing for the boys in black as there has been some injury dramas to deal with. Dan Carter has been nursed
back to fitness but we have coped very well without him, with Barrett and, when he is clean and sober, Aaron Cruden doing the business. Despite Fekitoa proving his worth in midfield, Sonny Bill has decided he is up for another code switch to complicate selection matters. Could this finally spell the end of Ma’a Nonu, who is allegedly looking to sell his soul to French rugby?

Deutschland gewinnt die weltmeisterschaft!!
After the recent domination of European club football by Bayern Munich, it was no big surprise that Germany would go on to lift the World Cup in Brazil. “Die Mannschaft” were a stereotypically calculating, efficient and well-drilled unit and, while not being completely dominant through the early stages, they turned it on when it really mattered, stunning the football world by absolutely thrashing hosts Brazil in their semi-final by a record breaking score of 7 – 1. They went on to face Argentina in the final, in what turned out to be a tight and tense game, which they won 1 – 0 in extra time to claim their fourth title.