UBar was humming, as a crowd murmured in surprised disbelief that people had actually showed up for an OUSA presidential debate. “What is going on?” they whispered. “Does everyone think it’s pint night? Did they get the day wrong? 

Yes, weirdly, people actually showed up to see a debate between two nerds that wanted to run a student union. 

Critic did a quick headcount and got 135 people. Decent. 

Moderators Esme Hall and Jamie Green kicked it off asking about their personal experiences. Laura spoke about how her experience in the army but said “I was never quite that good at taking orders… I’m just as opinionated now as then.”

James spoke about exec experience and said he “has the skills to step up." 

[Laura wins this section for being more personable and open]

When asked to open up and let the crowd know “the real you,” Laura said she was “not afraid to fail,” “strong willed and empathetic” and “will take every opportunity.”

James said his favourite beer was Speight’s, that his Mum would say he is a “lovely boy”, but that his Dad would be very disappointed in him. 

[James wins this section for being funnier] 

Shit got juicy when they were each asked why people shouldn’t vote for their opponent. Laura said James struggles to be decisive and he “doesn’t stick his neck out unless he already knows he has the backing.”

James defended himself, saying he was the first person on the exec to stand up for Josh Smythe’s right to run in this election. He hit back at Laura on her lack of experience, saying “the last person who sat in on every exec meeting and thought they coulg do the job was Hugh baird” to massive applause. 

[Laura gets a shot to the ribs but James gets big laughs]

Laura took a massive dive in audience appeal when she named reforming subcommittees as her top policy. No one cares about that and it’s boring. 

James said the most important thing was a strong presence in the DCC election. “Last time it was a fight just to get a voting booth on campus. The DCC constantly undermines student voters,” he said. 

[James takes an easy win here] 

Then there was some boring shit about dealing with bad exec members. Nothing happened. 

[Tie]

Laura pulled it back with a powerful answer about OUSA needing to stand up to the uni more. “OUSA has this idea that if we stand up [to the uni], they will close the door… we can stand up and fight back… but you need protests if you’re not being listened to.”

James agreed with Laura.  

[Laura wins this bit]

When asked about why the exec didn’t vote to ban tickets, despite a student referendum vote in favour, James said that OUSA legally couldn’t, because of legal advice which said it breach freedom of association.

[FACT CHECK: Critic attend all those meetings and we have never heard anything about legal advice. It may have been sought afterwards, but it was NOT the reason the exec didn’t ban tickets. They voted because of their own opinions; there was never any mention of lawyers.]

Things sparked up again when they were asked to name the exec’s biggest failure this year. 

Laura said the Critic censorship protest, “In less than 12 hours, I had 400 students signed up to protest - not just politics students, just students that read Critic and care. The only reason OUSA got involved is because I showed up and had to practically beg you guys.”

James defended himself, saying he was in the Critic office with Laura as soon as the thing broke. He said the exec hadn’t been political enough, and needed to be more active at local and national elections. 

[Laura was emotive and impactful but James undercut her well. Tie.] 

Then they had a sculling race.

[James wins for drinking his beer fastest] 

The first half was over. There was only one thing that could quell the rising temper of the crowd: the smooth, smooth sounds of Dunedin’s most iconic Dunedin Sound band, The Shitz. 

Critic passed off to random UBar patron Jeff Chaucer to write a review of the gig:

“I’ve never been to U-Bar before, because I hate live music, and I’m not a virgin. So it was with no little anthropological froth that I descended into the Breathas epicentre to do my civic duty (listen to OUSA nerds make promises they can’t keep to an audience that doesn’t care).     

When the first half of the debate ended, I was therefore sorely tempted to fuck off. But then a palpable roil of enthusiasm waved through the crowd. The person next to me, a mature English student called Katlyn Doob, woke up. 

“What’s going on?” I asked her.

She looked at me with antique contempt and hobbled to the front of the stage, to shake her moneymaker like a true thot.

The Shitz, a slacker-punk quartet currently defining/re-defining the New Dunedin Sound, had been booked to play in the interval. But at the time, all I knew was that the music —- post-ironic mash-ups of John Mayer and Marvin Gaye (who wouldn’t want to be healed, sexually, by The Shitz?), tender covers of Britney Spears and Post Malone, and a feral, transportive version of House of the Rising Sun —- was taking me to a place that I can only describe as religious. 

The shitty caterpillar of the debate’s first half had turned into a butterfly of rare, fragile beauty. It was a shame it had to fly away. But that’s what butterflies do… they fly.”

The second half slowly descended into madness. People coming in for the later gig added a rowdier undercurrent which only amplified the already pumping atmosphere. 

Caitlin Barlow-Groome, OUSA President, was spotted cutting some mean shapes on the d-floor and (poorly) attempting dirty dancing lifts with OUSA Finance officer Sam Smith (not that Sam Smith). Everyone was getting progressively more wasted. Including the candidates. Rumours have it they were pre-drinking together before going on stage. Laura’s answers became increasingly terse and James started insulting the questions and then the audience instead of properly answering. 

Jamie started having to yell for people to shut the fuck up every few minutes, only for the chatter to immediately swell back up. The moderators switched to audience questions, which only cemented the shitshow, with people shouting inaudibly across the room at each other, the crowd getting bored and taking no notice and erupting into meaningless cheers whenever either of the candidates looked like they were about to stop talking.  

Critic stopped listening and went and got a drink. When we came back it was over. 

  

So Who Won? 

Our very unscientific poll of 10 undecided voters came back with a result of 6/4 in favour of Laura. 

 

Comments for Laura: 

“The girl seems like she’s done better; I trust her” 

“The chick has been more onto it. The guy has mostly just had one-liners; she’s been consistent.” 

“Laura has seemed better; I liked her more, but she seemed a bit unconfident for a lot of it.”

“I liked her, because the James guy seemed like he was just playing the crowd. He had a bunch of mates there and he just seems to be playing to them." 

“Laura seemed more well-spoken”

“I think Laura, but it’s a way harder decision than last year.”

 

Comments for James:

“I dunno, but the guy seems more articulate to me”

“Yeah, he’s been the strongest. He seems confident.” 

“James because he gave more concrete examples and he was able to point to actual achievement. Also, you can’t just point to his past and say he hasn’t learnt from it; he might have grown and got new skills and be more capable now. He also seems more confident.” 

“Laura seems more radical and protest-y, he seems more down the middle and reliable. You can’t always get things by protesting; you’ve got to work with people.”