After an absence of far too long, a whole eight issues in fact, Critic is proud to once again bring you Proctology. Critic’s first meeting with the Proctor was a nervy affair. After getting used to the familiar sight of TailGunner Joe, the Proctor was instantly suspicious of a new face, especially one sent by a magazine filled with subversive types. Nevertheless, after an exhaustive background check (he wrote down our name on a rather formal looking pad of paper), Critic was cleared to hear all about just how naughty some students have been this year.
Golf is a beautiful game; so much so that Mark Twain once commented that the pastime was “a good walk spoiled”. One aspiring young scholar had clearly been paying attention in English, as he decided to cut out the more tedious walking element of the sport by simply firing the golf balls off of his balcony. However, one minor flaw in his plan was the inconsiderate placement of a neighbouring house fairly directly in the path of his drive.
After breaking a couple of windows, and we imagine losing a little bit of neighbourly goodwill, the gentleman decided that the only thing likely to be received better than a golf ball through the window was a steady stream of fireworks aimed at the neighbours themselves. The Proctor cautions that both suburban golf and hitting people with fireworks are likely to end in a trip to his office at a minimum.
Another charming young man (we noticed a predominant theme of young and male in the Proctor’s stories) got on the wrong side of a Dunedin cab driver the other night. After overtaking the cab at considerable speed and running a red light, the youth was probably not expecting that the cabbie would follow him and attempt a citizen’s reprimand. Undeterred, however, the errant insurance risk laughed at the cabbie, turned, and walked away - right into the arms of Campus Watch.
On a more public warning note, the Proctor once again begs all students to lock their doors and windows when they leave their flats. Of all the burglaries of student flats this year, only a quarter involved forced entry, meaning in most cases the thief simply strolled into the chosen flat, picked up all available electronic goods and toddled down to their local fence. At least make them work to fund that P habit.
Proctology
