The Little Foetus in the Pink Cap

Posted 5:49pm Sunday 14th April 2013

Earlier this year, a series of photos were posted on Reddit showing a woman holding a stillborn male foetus in her arms. The foetus was dressed in a pink knitted cap. This is his story. (See the foetus at critic.co.nz/NSFWfoetus – if you dare.) Once upon a time in the small hamlet of Gore Read more...

Sequencing The Feminazi Genome

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013

In 1869, DNA was discovered. In 1953, the first correct double-helix model of DNA structure was proposed. In 2012, the existence of the Higgs Boson was proved. But this year comes a scientific breakthrough of far greater complexity and more global significance than any of them. Finally, in 2013, the Read more...

The Three Worst Threesomes

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 3rd March 2013

The threesome demands respect. Like yoga pants it has the potential to go very, very well, or very, very badly. Unlike yoga pants, though, a bad threesome has the potential to induce trauma far more serious than the eyeball-searing sight of a sagging labia and cascades of dimpled flesh vacuum-packed Read more...

How Wack Is Crack?

Posted 9:40pm Sunday 24th February 2013

Poor, poor methamphetamine. It’s the Tourism of the drug world – condemned, stigmatised, and used by the dregs of society. Despite a vast array of fresh-faced, apple-cheeked ambassadors, including the Luftwaffe, Antonie Dixon, and that dilapidated whore from Breaking Bad, it’s been Read more...

The Good Book

Posted 5:01pm Sunday 30th September 2012

There are many things in the world that simultaneously confuse and disgust me. Gherkins, overheard conversations between pairs of girls in the Link, the very existence of Brimstone — all disturbing, but none quite so much as the great unbelievable fact of the modern era: that the presumably-atheist Read more...

The Four Most Intolerable Travel Companions

Posted 5:17pm Sunday 2nd September 2012

Third world travel is tough. Those pesky crippled and starving locals are constantly hanging around making you feel bad about spending what they’d make in a month on a totally necessary supply of hash and a bottle of “Real’s” whiskey. Not to mention the nerve of their assumption that Western women Read more...

New Zealand's Most Inspirational Celebrities

Posted 5:14pm Sunday 12th August 2012

The front page of this week’s Sunday Star Times offered a fetching full-page graphic of our victorious Olympic gold medallists, punctuated by the witty headline “IT’S RAINING MEDALS!” Our Olympic success naturally deserves recognition, but I can’t help but worry that this wanton, vulgar celebration Read more...

The Three WORST Flatmates

Posted 4:49pm Sunday 5th August 2012

Existentalist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre famously concluded that hell is other people. As my degree stretches into its fifth year, I am convinced that Sartre’s relentlessly bleak view of humanity was developed after an episode of time travel in which he spent half a decade flatting in Dunedin. The Read more...

The Annual Critic Sex Toy Review

Posted 10:46am Sunday 22nd July 2012

Personal development guru Tony Robbins is famous for breathlessly rhapsodising to lumpen Wal-Mart shelf-stackers that the fastest route to career success and satisfaction is to find something you love doing, and make it your job. I spend most of my time lying in bed with the curtains drawn jerking Read more...

The Dunedin Dictionary

Posted 5:13pm Sunday 8th July 2012

The only thing worse than hearing people casually fling around trendy words and phrases you’ve never heard of is realising you’re so out of touch you still use the word “trendy”. Luckily, help is at hand in this blatant Urban Dictionary ripoff, which handily explains a few of the terms you might Read more...