Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties

Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019

The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...

Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster

Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019

Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...

That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes

Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019

Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...

Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour

Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019

Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...

Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers

Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019

Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...

Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes

Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019

Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...

Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings

Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019

“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...

Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019

“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...

Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019

Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...

Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”

Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019

Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues.      “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...