Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese

Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019

Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...

Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019

Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...

First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019

Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...

Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing

Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019

Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...

Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away

Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019

This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...

It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019

Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...

Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019

Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...

Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019

According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...

Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019

Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...

CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl

Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019

Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...