Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...

No One Over 20 Should Still Be Drinking KGB

Posted 1:51pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

This lovely wee drop is responsible for more lost virginities than the Year 13 ball. It’s incredibly fizzy and sweet; it’s a gorgeous treat. It can be a real gamble though, if you seriously miscalculate how much you need to drink in a space of time, you’ll just get pumped up on Read more...

Cody’s Is A Court Case In A Can

Posted 1:24pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Cody’s: the official drink of obnoxious 12 year-olds getting drunk in skate parks everywhere. This has been by far the most requested drink review. These reviews are not just shit chat spun out of nowhere; they’re an intensive process. We start with a blind taste test to pick up the Read more...

DB Draught is the Winston Peters of Beers

Posted 2:27pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

DB Draught is an old man’s drink. A sip on the lips is reminiscent of a hard day fucking sheep and feeding the chickens. It’s been around since before any of us could remember, and it will be around long after we die. Just like Winston Peters. If Jesus turned water into wine, then Read more...

Wild Moose is Liquid Happiness

Posted 1:37pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

The name “Wild Moose” really does describe this bevvy perfectly. It’s soft and brown but incredibly wild. Try and tame this majestic beast and you may struggle, but if you succeed, you will be treated with the night of your life. Wild Mouse is an inspiring message of hope to all Read more...

Smirnoff Ice Double Black Is the Perfect Drink for a Kids Birthday Party

Posted 12:56pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Smirnoff Ice Double Black is a drink for children, and adults who are still children at heart. It may technically be alcoholic, but as far as your taste buds would know, it’s just a kind of weird lemonade. ‘Scientists’ will tell you that the amount of guarana in these bad boys Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Goon for $9.90

Posted 1:55pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Praise be the God of Alcoholics, we have been granted a gift from above. Meenan’s Wine & Spirits on Great King Street has come out with the deal of the year – nay, the deal of the decade. A succulent goon of red wine, containing 21 delectable standard drinks, for $9.90. That is not a Read more...

Purple Goanna Is Genuine Poison

Posted 2:10pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Purple Goanna spits in the face of all that is holy. An artificial potion of methylated spirits and dirty chemicals, this RTD has inflicted a pain on the youth of New Zealand that even Suzie Cato could not fix. The flavours are indecipherable. With the deep purple hue of the liquid, one would Read more...

Speight's Counts As One Of Your 5+ A Day

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 23rd July 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

It’s hard to review Speight’s. It has so much meaning to so many people. It was the first beer my father ever gave me. It’s the beer that has fuelled Scarfies for generations. Would I say it’s the tastiest beer in the world? No. But it’s the beer that makes me think of Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | El Diablo Super Strong Brew

Posted 2:44pm Sunday 16th July 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

In all my years of exploring and analysing the finest alcoholic beverages New Zealand has to offer on the student budget, the one question I’ve gotten more than any other is: “What’s the grossest beer you’ve ever tasted?” I’ve drunk a red onion ale from Read more...