Critic Booze Reviews | Pimm's

Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Pimm’s is the perfect drink for the perfect day. On one of those rare Dunner stunners, when the Leith only vaguely smells like piss and the grass resembles Prince William’s head pre-balding, a glass of Pimm’s is the wholesome content you deserve. The drink is weirdly associated Read more...

C.S. Brewis and George Pourwell's Guide to Little Fat Lamb

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by George Pourwell

Little Fat Lamb are still pretty fresh on the scene of getting scarfies loose, having only been around for about 3 years, but they sure have made a name for themselves. Here’s a rundown on each flavour and what they say about you.   The Holy Trinity Ginger: Ginger is your Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews : Rekorderlig Cider

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ah. Rekorderlig cider. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Thou art like a juicy medieval farm girl with overflowing cleavage and a father who is away at war. She may not have basic hygiene, but the sweat and sweet juices of the day’s labours Read more...

Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable

Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard.  I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...

Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy

Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...

Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison.  Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...

The Critic Booze Reviews Guide to Craft Beer

Posted 5:20pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Thinking it’s time you grew up and started appreciating the finer things in life? Swilliam Shakesbeer breaks down how to sneak your way into the world of craft beer.   Don’t fuck with craft lagers Craft lagers are bullshit. The only reason they exist is for people that Read more...

Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand

Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...

Wakachangi Is New Zealand's Finest Craft Beer

Posted 1:37pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

‘Wakachangi’ is an amalgamation of the Māori word for canoe and the Georgian word for a 17th century Ottoman harp. The brainchild of one of New Zealand’s greatest New Zealanders, Leigh Hart, this fresh drop goes down easier than the Blackcaps middle order against any Read more...

Tui Is The Worst Beer in New Zealand

Posted 12:35pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui. It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse. On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and semen. It Read more...