A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she will be time sharing with Sean “Puffy” “Puff Daddy” “P Diddy” Combs. GPS tracking microphones will be sewn into the seams of all graduation regalia, in order for Apple to hear conversations and track the whereabouts of students on graduation day, in order to better understand why there are people out there still using Android products. Apple will reportedly then onsell all information to Amazon, to be used for marketing purposes.
Charlene Chainz was unavailable for comment, as she was busy tearing up gold-plated, diamond encrusted $1000 bills to use as roach filters.