Columns

Only losers are poor, and if you’re poor, it’s your fault. There are so many reasons why it’s your fault, so we’ve designed this quiz to help you really figure out the answer so you can get back on that #grind.

What are you spending the most money on that you could do yourself?

1. Dentistry. It’s honestly not that hard to pull a tooth. While you’re at it, just pull all of them and get dentures. You’ll save big time in the long run and now you also don't need to buy toothpaste.
2. Mechanics. If your engine light is on and you can't afford to just buy a whole new car, you've already lost the race.
3. Rent. Just buy a house, dumbass. I really shouldn’t have to spell this out for you.
4. A university degree. You don't need to pay for this, you can learn it on YouTube. There’s nothing in a university degree that you can't teach to yourself in the school of hard knocks.
5. Having a significant other. How would you even have time for this when you should be working three jobs already? Besides, you’ve got two hands. Why spend valuable time and money on the complicated ritual of dating when the answer is literally at your fingertips?

You’re probably spending money on a bunch of unnecessary things. Pick one luxury to keep, but cut out the rest:

1. Fresh food. Why are you spending money on fresh food when you could just blend up a vita smoothie and use a direct IV injection? Or better yet, get into fasting. If it works for prisoners of war, it works for you. #battlemode.
2. Menstrual products. If you’re buying these, you’re only making 77 cents to the dollar anyway, so there’s your answer. In fact, you can just stop the quiz right here.
3. Cleaning products/hot water. Cold showers sharpen the mind and put your body in fight or flight mode, which it should be in at all times. But even better, just stop cleaning. You’re just going to get dirty again anyway so there’s literally no point.
4. Gifts to others. This is literally giving away your wealth, and is an obvious sign of weakness. Nothing says “tax me daddy” like buying someone a present.
5. Socialising. Nope, cut it out. You don't have hobbies, you don't have time. Name a single animal that wastes time like this. None? I didn’t think so.

What’s your get-rich-quick scheme in Dunedin?

1. Extort physics students to build a time machine and go back to the early 1920’s to invest in Coca-Cola and Ford while they are still cheap. Pop back to now and reap the rewards.
2. Invest in some rental properties around campus. Save money on not repairing them and make sure you raise your rent when student allowances go up.
3. Start a post-party clean-up service for studentville, but also start a pre-party supply service so you can sell them the supplies and then get paid to take them away.
4. Become a professional rugby player and start selling autographs. If you're not good at rugby, don’t worry. Just change your name to Dan Carter and hope nobody notices.
5. Take ducks from the Botans and sell them to high-end restaurants. While we’re at it, grab some gulls and albatross, too. It’s basically free money.

Loved ones are important, but you need priorities. Commit to one event and pre-emptively cancel the rest:

1. Grandparent’s funeral. What, you wanna pay to stand in a room for hours and pretend to be sad about someone who’s left you out of the will? Get real. Besides, what’s the point in attending a funeral? They won’t know you weren’t there, so nobody gets hurt. Although, free food.
2. Cousin’s wedding. It doesn’t matter how close you are, you don’t actually need to be there on the big day. It’s all about them and their spouse, and that’ll happen either way, so don’t feel guilty! You can always Zoom in.
3. Summer holidays. You know what’s dumb? Flying all the way home to sit under a fake Christmas tree and pretend like you’re enjoying yourself. The summer holiday period is the perfect time to diversify your investment portfolio, because while everyone’s spending their cash on stupid little presents, you’re spending your cash on what’s really important: the stock market.
4. Younger sibling’s graduation. Uh, hello? They didn’t come to your graduation, so why should you have to pay to fly yourself to theirs? Kid’s not even got a sigma grindset anyway.
5. To visit a terminally ill relative. Chances are they probably don’t remember your face anyway, so what’s the harm? Let’s be honest, if you were on your deathbed, would you really want to spend time with the distant relative you don’t really know just so they can say how sorry they are that you’re dying? Hell no. Plus, Great Aunt Meredith will try to kiss you on the mouth and you can’t afford to get sick right now.

Who’s your hero?

1. Patrick Bateman. The fact that some people think this movie is satire when it’s actually a documentary is insane.
2. Margaret Thatcher. She walked so that Judith Collins could run off a cliff. Maggie gets so much bad press but it’s not hard to see why everyone is jealous. It’s a woman in Parliament - what more could you want? Girlboss!
3. Ronald McDonald. Ron’s rise to fame proves that the #sigmagrindset can work for anyone, no matter how many developing democracies you’ve helped topple. Nothing says equality like red white and yellow.
4. The Dutch East India Trading company. Legends from the past. These geniuses not only invented the stock market, but figured out how to weaponize it against foreign powers. #innovateordie
5. Ben Shapiro. Enough said.

How should New Zealand bolster its financial situation?

1. Hunt local bird species for their meat and eggs. They can’t be found anywhere else so you control 100% of the market.
2. Start building telecom towers on the Southern Alps. Those mountain tops are perfect for covering the country in cell service, and their “aesthetic beauty” is literally worthless.
3. Stop funding anything to do with hospice care. If they can't make it on their own, they don't deserve to live.
4. Eliminate the democratic system and install a dictator. Elections are expensive.
5. Anticipate future demand. Use the obvious telltale signs of today's news and start manufacturing child-sized assault weapons to sell to American classrooms. You’ll be the first to corner the market.

Now we’re ready to answer the big question: why are you poor?

Mostly 1’s: You don't have multigenerational wealth, loser. If you weren’t born into a wealthy family, what the fuck is your problem? It’s, like, the easiest way to get rich. Look at every wealthy person you know - this is probably how they made it big time, so why haven’t you tried this yet? It’s still okay to call it self-made. You did all the hard work of making withdrawals from those chequing accounts.

Mostly 2’s: You aren’t saving 80% of your income. This either means that your income is too small, (in which case, why are you reading this when you could be making moves?) or you haven’t thought to start saving. No matter which option it is, there’s no excuse not to save 80%. Once you cut out the unnecessary parts of your budget, this should be as easy as defrauding the ACC.

Mostly 3’s: You haven't taken advantage of the charity system yet. If you start a charity with a good cause, like helping sick kids or researching cancer, people will donate. You can just keep this money, or, you can donate it en-masse and use it as a tax cut. If you aren’t already doing this, you basically are a charity yourself. This shows a clear lack of understanding of the financial system, and also a lack of creativity. Yikes.

Mostly 4’s: You haven’t leveraged the power of a multi-level marketing scheme. Sign Up Club proved two years ago just how easy it is to get students to join one of these, and if you aren’t at the top of one already, you’re at the bottom. You’re probably too much of a coward and afraid to assert yourself.

Mostly 5’s: You don’t have a cryptocurrency yet. If you founded your own, you can use your high-profile status to market it and artificially inflate demand. Once enough of your followers buy in, you can dump the value and reap the rewards, shifting the financial burden to others. If there’s enough of them, the consequences are proportionally very small, so there’s no need to feel bad about this. If you haven’t done this yet it’s because you haven’t been following the plays made by big players, so you’re probably a bit ignorant. Do you even have Twitter?