This happened not long after I left high school, when I made particularly questionable fashion choices. It was after midnight and I was on my way to a Tinder hookup’s house, so I’d put on a little black dress and done my makeup, too. I couldn’t find any shoes to go with it though, and I couldn’t be fucked walking in heels, so I ended up just walking there barefoot. Like, it doesn’t matter if I’m getting naked anyway, right? Luckily, this guy’s place was only a few blocks away, which admittedly is at least part of the reason I swiped right. We’d been talking for ages, and neither of us were looking for anything serious. He was cute, funny, and best of all: convenient. Still, I really liked his personality and wanted to make a good impression. I was going for “sexy but casual” but, to be honest, I looked like I’d just gotten kicked out of a club.
Dude invited me inside, where I was welcomed by multiple red flags. First of all, there was a wall of Marvel Pop Vinyl figurines. Secondly, a giant Christmas tree that literally had flashing red lights. It was autumn. And I fucking hate Christmas. Okay, so this dude really likes Marvel and Christmas, which are two of my least favourite things, but I wasn’t wearing shoes, so I felt like I couldn’t judge. Christmas dude (I’ll just call him Chris) was somewhat confused by my lack of footwear, but by the time I stripped off it was no longer an issue.
It took a while to get things off the ground. We lay around talking for a while, which was nice, and quickly figured out that though we were both freaky af, we were kinda opposites for the most part. Like, he’d try to dirty talk or something, and I’d just go “Bruh?”. We agreed that we’d just fool around. Things were starting to feel really good, and next thing I know we’re going at it with my legs in the air. In the heat of the moment he went in to choke me. I batted his hand away, and I think he went to stroke my leg, confused. But in the midst of the passion he… he put my entire god dang foot in his mouth.
Like, he just started passionately sucking on my toes like his life depended on it.
So I’m lying there, with my toes in the back of this dude’s mouth, watching the autumn Christmas lights blink, thinking about how it’s not a great feeling, but not a bad one. Kinda like a footbath, but only one. Or like wearing a wet sock. And also you have a naked man grunting on top of you. Really, really enthusiastically for some reason.
And then we had this shared moment, where it dawned on us: I walked there. Barefoot. This man was licking the entire North Shore off of my feet. Do I say something? What are you meant to say when someone’s trying to devour you from the feet up, like an empath eating a gingerbread man? How fucking brave is this man? What in the fuck is he tasting? It was then that it started to tickle, but I ignored it ‘cos I was just about to finish despite it all. I almost had an aneurysm when I nutted from trying to choke back the giggles, partly from the tickling and partly from watching this guy unhinging his jaw around my ankle. For a brief moment I think I was wearing him like a sneaker.
Afterwards, he said it was something he’d always wanted to try but that he really didn’t think it through, alluding to the state of my horrendous feet. By then, it was much too late. I cleaned up and decided to go back in for round two, but not before saying something along the lines of: “I’d wash my feet but you already did that for me.” Probably made himself immune to every disease in the process. Anyway, he’s married now.