Aquarius
Stop trying to get your friends to use the shitty slang you’ve been trying to make happen. It’s your dave’s, your bosch’s and most certainly your skux’s that’ll make everyone lose respect for you.
Your Bachelor Placing: You win but assert dominance by declining the rose and kissing the other contestant
Pisces
This week will fly by, so make sure you absorb everything happening around you. The little things will add up to a very good week. Also well done for remembering to brush your teeth, your breath has been a lot less stank than usual.
Your Bachelor Placing: You make it through a couple dates but get eliminated after forgetting the next date
Aries
Can’t even lie, you’ve been eating so hard lately it’s impossible to fault you. This week you’ll wake up with great hair and not feel like you should bathe in a double shot espresso. What more could a student need?
Your Bachelor Placing: You’re boycotting love and strictly engaging in Tinder dates that will 100% end in sex
Taurus
This week, chronic bubble gut is gonna get you and all your flat mates will be hearing about is your “sore tummy”. You need to grow the fuck up and get over it. You might shit yourself a couple times this week but just put on your backup undies and move on with your life.
Your Bachelor Placing: First date is your last date but you were just in it for the catered food
Gemini
Expect an influx of Instagram followers and ‘added by username’ on Snapchat this week. People might be talking about you behind your back but honestly it’s just boosting your popularity and therefore is really a bonus for you.
Your Bachelor Placing: First-round knockout, unfortunately </3
Cancer
Please keep your hands inside the cart, you are on an emotional rollercoaster this week and will be experiencing the highs and lows of uni life. Maybe cut back on the stressful stuff and keep to the basics: wake up, eat, cry, uni, sleep and repeat.
Your Bachelor Placing: You make it to the final, then Aquarius pulls you in for a kiss… maybe you did find love
Leo
You will meet the love of your life at Pint Night. Your heads will bang together as a band plays a great cover of ‘I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor’. It’s love at first sight. Just don’t forget to keep talking to your friends after you get cuffed.
Your Bachelor Placing: You ARE the Bachelor
Virgo
Luck’s on your side but common sense is not. You may find a brand new phone on the side of the road but it was most definitely stolen and the cops will get you. Mum and Dad will pay the fine, but your mum will never be able to look you in the eye again.
Your Bachelor Placing: You initially got third but after a scandal in the finals you got the call up to the big league
Libra
It’s time to lock away your phone and spend some time with nature and silence. Taking a dopamine break is similar to a tolerance break. When your friend offers you a cone, you’ll initially say yes but once you break the cycle you will enjoy the little things in life more. It's the same with watching TikToks.
Your Bachelor Placing: Unfortunately, you need a more MAFS approach to love
Scorpio
Lighten up a bit, Scorpio. You’ve been the worst flatmate by far and when you enter the room everyone gets a pit in their stomach. You may think you’ve been asserting your dominance, but really you’ve been providing material for shit-talking behind your back.
Your Bachelor Placing: A very middle of the pack, forgettable contestant
Sagittarius
Your flatmates can hear you fucking. You think they can’t, but they really can. Please take this into consideration next time you decide to engage in hanky panky at 8:30pm on a Tuesday. Your poor flatmates are scarred.
Your Bachelor Placing: You only make it to the second round but at least you weren’t a first round elimination
Capricorn
Make sure to listen to your body. Your body is a temple so best believe it's time to up the iron intake and munch on as much ice as you can this week. Treat yourself and get a new ice tray from Kmart if you’ve been especially locked in with uni.
Your Bachelor Placing: Too good to even apply