It’s 9am on a Friday when four of the remaining eight singles – Gabi, Lily, Olivia, and Jessica – are cruelly dragged out into the cold, ready to get their hands dirty in the Kia Ora/Peace Garden with some gardening and rock-painting.
It’s a more casual affair this morning than the last date, with contestants showing up in their best athleisure outfits to win Joel’s affection. Everyone knows yoga pants are a girl’s secret weapon. Today, two of the four will be eliminated – much to Joel’s dismay.
OUSA Student Support, our chaperone for the date, has kindly supplied rock painting and gardening tools to give the space a wee spruce-up. They’ve also brought along a cute dog, serving as an icebreaker for the singles. “I don’t wanna date Joel,” Gabi jokes from a crouch beside the dog, giving him a good pat. “I just want this dog!” We’ll see about that.
Central Library looms overhead, giving some of you early-bird nerds a front-row seat to all the drama that’s about to ensue. Jessica swoops in for a hug and begins chatting to Joel about a finance paper they’ve both taken – she’s not here to make friends. “Should we get some gloves on?” Joel says, turning to the rest of the group. They migrate to the planting boxes.
Lily is quick to pick up a tool and turn her attention to the moss growing between the paving. Joel follows suit, settling in next to her. She begins talking to Joel about how her dad is a landscaper, hence her prowess in the garden. “I wasn’t actually allowed to plant anything,” she says sadly. The one time she was allowed, it was some sunflowers out of sight behind the house. It’s a cute moment, and Joel seems to appreciate getting to know Lily a little bit better.
“[The date] is going really well,” Lily tells us. “I have a lot of experience gardening, which has come in real handy. At the end of the day, Joel will see that I am the best gardener which means I am the best single.” Much like her trowel technique, Lily’s chain of logic is flawless.
Topical due to the cold gardening conditions, Joel asks (breath steaming) if anyone has been to the mountains recently to take advantage of the snow. Depressingly, everyone has been too busy. However, it provides a segway for Joel to begin flexing about his snow competency. We see what you did there, king.
Joel tells the story of one occasion when a car he was in ended up pretty much sliding off the mountain. “It could have been a lot worse though,” he says, gorgeously nonchalant. “Was that the worst car accident you’ve been in?” Gabi asked, eyes full of wonder. She shares her own sketchy car stories, and they bond over having terrible luck in vehicles.
The next topic of conversation is whether anyone has become a BNOC yet (Big Name On Campus). “Have you guys been recognised for this yet?” asks Gabi, explaining that she’s been stopped and asked if she is the “girl from Bachelor”. Nobody else has yet; aside from Joel. This one’s for you, dear reader: Jess thanks you for the kind comments left on the Critic Instagram referring to her as a “sweetie”. “I’m just glad it wasn’t a hate comment,” she admits.
Tiring from the arduous landscaping, the group turns to rock painting – but not before Gabi shapes the uprooted weeds into a heart shape. The group settles on the red picnic blanket behind the planter boxes, equipped with rocks and art supplies.
Reaching forward to grab a paintbrush, Joel and Lily very nearly touch hands. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. Semi-awkward small talk continues. Between compliments on each other’s herb paintings (Gabi and Joel have both chosen lavender), the group discusses how this is the earliest date they’ve ever been on – and certainly the most observed. Adding to the eyes of Central Lib onlookers is Student Support, hanging back with a Dispensary coffee to speculate in whispers who’ll receive a rose.
Joel is pulled away, and I get a chance to ask the singles how they feel the date is going. “It’s nice to do something with my hands instead of feeling awkward in front of a ring light,” Jessica tells me. “Not that it was bad,” she says hurriedly, perhaps worried I might smite her in this article. You’re okay, babe.
When asked if she can feel any sparks flying between her and Joel, Olivia responds cautiously: “I dunno. Yeah, maybe. We’ll sorta see.” A slow burn, perhaps? Meanwhile, Joel expresses his sadness that two of the singles will need to go home today. “That’s just the name of the game,” he says wryly.
Rose Ceremony
Finally, it’s the moment you’ve all been reading for – or skipped to the end for. While Joel was pulled away, an impromptu ceremony was arranged. Instead of the traditional fake peonies, two yellow daisies have been plucked from the garden. “Well, um, it’s been a really nice morning,” begins Joel. “But unfortunately, I only have two roses.” One thing he doesn’t have going for him is knowing his flowers.
The singles smile nervously, shuffling in the cold. Lily is the first to be chosen. He cites Lily’s story about her dad and the sunflowers as his reason for choosing her, finding it fitting that the flower he gives her today is yellow too. She seems stoked, and places the daisy behind her ear as she moves to stand by his side.
Next to be chosen is Jessica. “Yay! Thank you,” she responds graciously, accepting the flower. Later on, Joel shyly confesses to us that he gave Jessica a rose due to her “confidence and smile”. Gabi and Olivia have not received a rose. “Oh no,” Gabi cries, before whipping out her phone to take a picture of her painted rock. “I’ll take this picture to be reminded I had my heart broken once,” she sighs.
We catch up with Olivia and Gabi before they can be set free into the big wide world again. “It was a fun experience I reckon,” Olivia smiles. She brings up her appreciation for the Delivereasy voucher she’s scored – her main reason for signing up, if her intro video is to be believed: “I’m here for the free sushi and the Delivereasy voucher – if it comes to that.”
Gabi says, “I’ll never look at lavender the same [...] I think we’ll both be picking up gardening as a hobby to get over our heartbreak.” She’s also enthusiastic about the voucher, and both her and Olivia are grateful for the new friends they’ve gained – all the singles now have a Snapchat group without us. Whatever.
See you next issue, where we’ll have a brand-spanking new group date to gossip about. Peace out.