Aquarius
All your shoes are feeling tight this week. Go sockless to allow for extra space in there, but don’t let anyone know – it’s kinda musty. Just say you’re wearing no-show socks, still weird but a little more socially accepted.
Daydream Prompt: Losing your shoe while bungee jumping
Pisces
It's time to start planning your summer. Internships are cool and all, but try to ask your parents if you can do chores for a summer wage. At least then you can stay at home and eat the non-budget brands your parents buy.
Daydream Prompt: Lying on the beach in St Tropez
Aries
Aries, you are the problem in most situations – but not this one! Keep being salty because you don’t deserve the slander that is being put on your name right now. Start praying for some new friends.
Daydream Prompt: Meeting Hailey Bieber’s baby
Taurus
You're in dire need of a deodorant change. Wait it out in the supermarket aisle until someone who is at least 80 comes and then copy what they buy. You’ll excel socially if you have that same comforting waft.
Daydream Prompt: Living in a ‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs’ type reality
Gemini
This week you’ll meet someone who will either change your life for the better or make you realise the best friend you could ever ask for has been with you all along. Also put less sour cream on your wedges, it's kinda gross.
Daydream Prompt: Finding that one thing you lost 3 years ago
Cancer
Screentime limits can’t stop you. Even if you’ve tried tricking yourself that they can, everyone always sets their screentime password to 1111 and soon you’ll be breaking through without thinking.
Daydream Prompt: Being able to afford cucumber for that TikTok recipe.
Leo
The work from home setup isn't working for you, so it's time to hit the libraries. For motivation, you could treat yourself to a coffee for every hour of study, or a BYO Cruiser in the bathroom to spice things up.
Daydream Prompt: Being able to be a hobby-horser without getting bullied
Virgo
That little buzzing noise in your ear won't go away until you go to the casino and put a month's worth of rent on red. There's a 50/50 chance you’ll be living like a king or having to move home – pretty good odds if you ask me.
Daydream Prompt: You are the coach of the All Blacks
Libra
This week you’ll do something meaningful, like vacuum up the rice your flatmate spills. Sure, it’ll probably be ignored by everyone around you but at least you will know you’re a good person.
Daydream Prompt: Being in a zombie apocalypse that is caused by eating Zombie Chews
Scorpio
Those who read are 10x more likely to have huge cocks. Get to the library and get reading (or find a reader to test this out with.) You could even role play some of the scenes in the smuttiest books you find.
Daydream Prompt: Being able to breathe underwater, but only in the Leith River
Sagittarius
Use this week to reflect on the year. Take time to slow down and appreciate the memories. Soon enough you’ll be moving back home, so go out as much as you can before your shitty summer job comes calling.
Daydream Prompt: Having a clean water bottle without having to wash it
Capricorn
Life has been getting you down lately, but the remedy is a bottle of Hennessy, a pack of Chesterfield Blues, and some grass to sit on while you consume all of it in 45 minutes. If you vomit, you must go back the next day and try again.
Daydream Prompt: Being back in the womb