Kia Ora and all that shit. Welcome to the first installment of Lozz’s World. Throughout this completely self-indulgent column I will discuss current events (yeah, not really), express my opinion on everything relevant to scarfies, pass on the silliest yarns from around campus and generally rant about who or what has fucked me right off lately. I honestly have no idea why Joe is letting me write this.
By the time this goes to print, Orientation Week will be over and all you unpleasant little shits will be trying to return that stolen kitten, or cleaning the dried cum off your pillows. I recommend lukewarm water.
Undoubtedly one of my favourite parts of O-Week has to be the arrival of a brand new batch of first years. These garden-fresh morsels are yet to be tampered with, and oh-so-fun to fuck with. It’s a scary thought that this latest influx were year-9s when I was in my final year of high school. Heck, they’re almost as good looking now as they were then. I mean what... Anyway, I look forward to observing their progression from awkward mid-pubescent stains on society, into semi-respectable but slightly fatter stains on society. Until then though, I invite you to embrace and enjoy the misfortunes they come across in their debut year as Otago scarfies.
On the topic of misfortune, last year I made the sloppy mistake of signing the same tenancy agreement as OUSA president, Logan Edgar. Due to this, my column will frequently provide an up-close and often all-too-personal insight into the life of the overachieving Southland simpleton.
Already, in just the first few weeks of flatting, I have learned much about the boy from Te Anau, who’s in way over his head. For example, believe it or not folks, Logan gets his dear mother to do his washing. Yes, that’s right, a 20-year-old male responsible for a $20 million dollar organisation hands over his soiled sheets and clothing to his mum (god bless you Jan) whenever she pops in to check up on her eldest son. Not embarrassed in the slightest about the situation, Edgar attempts to justify it by informing us that Jan “just has a magic touch with the fabric softener.”
Stay tuned my lovelies, next week I am going to disprove God. Until then, keep it scarfie and remember, lukewarm water!
– Lozz Holding xoxo
Lozz's World
