Columns

Hi kids. Currently I am sufficiently hung over to qualify for a disability grant. On top of feeling like a chemo patient in his fourth week of treatment, I am also extremely fucked off. I’m not angry about the rash on my crotch or the lingering smell of red Powerade-vomit wafting through the flat, no. The reason I am frothing like a Ku Klux Klan leader at a Lakers game is that the local authorities, for some fucked-up reason, believe they have the right to tell innocent scarfies what they can and can’t say.

During Orientation week, a flat of scarfies on Castle St were forced to remove their flat emblem because it contained the word “cunt”. According to the authorities, the word “cunt” is classified as “still significantly offensive”, meaning that the lads could have faced a fine up to the equivalent of a maxed out course-related costs claim. What. The. Cunt.

What does “still significantly offensive” even mean? When will it stop being significantly offensive? And who the cunt decided that “cunt” was an offensive word in the first place? I bet it was a Christian. I don’t find the sound waves that we hear as “cunt” or the particular sequence of letters C-U-N-T offensive, so why the cunt does anyone else? In fact, when coupled with a positive adjective such as “good”, “top” or “funny”, cunt becomes a very genuine compliment. And there are surely worse words around still. Even I’m not stupid enough to through the N word around.

Here’s a test (you’ll need a cat or preferably a dog – if you don’t have one nearby, try Howie the Critic cat) - pat and stroke the animal then whisper gently into its ear how much of a cunt you think it is. Funnily enough, no animal is fucking retarded enough to get offended by this word; they only register the context you speak to them in. Maybe we should take a leaf out of their book.

In a perfect world, the scarfies residing in the “Cuntry Club” flat would be able to put their crudely drawn and not very clever sign back up. But unfortunately for all of us, scarfies are cruelly suppressed and censored by nobodies in uniforms and suits who think their opinions are more relevant than anyone else’s. I have a word for these types of people…

– Lozz Holding

(Editors warning: the preceding column contained liberal use of the word cunt)