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Far from a simple anatomical movement, kissing is a complex emotional and philosophical endeavour. It’s easy to get wrong and so, so good when you get it right. Now there are lots of different types of kissing: Affectionate, sexual, platonic, as a greeting, and on and on. But Critic isn’t interested in the boring ones. We’re interested in how to really get down to the tonsils and kiss the hell out of someone. So, without further ado …

Step One: Prepare the area. Dry chapped lips are never a turn on. You need to exfoliate that shit. Use a light sandpaper and gently work around the top and bottom lips in concentric circles. Once you’re done, apply a generous amount of chap stick. If your lips are bleeding slightly when you’re finished, don’t worry too much. That’s a sign that you’ve really got down to the fresh healthy skin.

Step Two: Find a partner. Really, anyone can be your kissing partner. Some cultures frown upon kissing certain people; your sister, for instance. But here at Critic, we’re not nearly so picky. As long as you’re both consenting adults, then get in there. And speaking of adults, the very old can be great kissing coaches; years of experience and the lack of dentures can make for a very special kissing experience.

Step Three: Saliva control. Having too much or too little spit can make for an uncomfortable experience for both partners. There are a few easy solutions if your partner is either too wet or too dry. Too much slobber? You can suck that stuff back yourself and simply swallow it. Too dry? Gently spit into your partners mouth every few seconds.

Step Four: Focus on the nose. Just like an accurate, loud and satisfying high five, you need to make sure that you make initial contact in the right spot. The trick for a high five is to watch the other person’s elbow, and then slam those hands together. Same thing here, except you need to focus on the person’s nose. Stare directly at your partner’s shnoz, and your lips will seamlessly come together. Look away, and you might find yourself sucking chin.

Step Five: Contact! Congratulations, you’ve locked lips and are now officially kissing. Open and close your lips in rhythm with your mate. Once you’re both comfortable, you can move onto a little tongue action. Quickly poke your tongue in and out of your mouth. Your partner will probably quickly join in, and you’ll be on your way to kissing bliss.

Good luck to you.