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An apple (or in this case, an aporo) a day keeps the doctor away … for my sake I hope this old cliché is not true. Nobody who had been taught by Dr Jim Williams would want to keep him away.

As well as a cultural experience, studying Maori at Otago turned out to be an experience of a more carnal nature. Watching you deliver your lectures with such fury had me wishing you would rip off your shirt and break into a spontaneous Haka. You were like a young Howard Morrison, dazzling the room with your smooth voice and what I can only assume was a large kumara tucked down the front of your pants.

When I study at night, I can’t rid myself of the recurring sensual reverie of you wearing nothing but a Maori cloak while you paddle your waka across a steamy river that shines in the golden moonlight. It interrupts my focus and I begin to let my imagination wander. Not even a marathon run of The Billy T. James show could distract me from my overpowering desire to see the taniwha underneath your grass skirt.

Your moving discourses on Ngai Tahu society only further worsened my love sickness. Instead of concentrating during lectures, I began to strategize how I might be able to convince you that re-enacting saucy scenes from The Piano might benefit my studies. Perhaps after that, you can show me how to participate in the traditional welcoming hongi with our noses. If I accidentally slip and get you on the lips, then, what can I say? “Whoops”. Ever since I laid eyes on you I have wished I had grown up in your iwi.

Dr Williams, take me out for some kai. We will drink pina coladas and take a long walk along the foreshore and seabed. When we get back to your place we can dim the lighting and play some soft waiata in the background (I have Poi-e on CD). Once we have familiarised ourselves with each other perhaps you may feel moved to show me your Te Rakau stick, as I often dream that you will. (I also have my own patu here that I think could add a little fun to the evening). When you kiss me goodnight I will secretly be imagining that you are Winston Peters and I am your Pania of the reef, but I shall never forget the passionate night of kapa haka that we shared between the sheets.

In anticipation of the day that these fantasies can become a reality, and I can finally show you my Tane Mahutas,

Arohanui,

Womanly Wahine.

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