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Consider this my deep and sincere apology for not wanting to have sex with you. I feel like such a frigid bitch because you got nothing in return for all the nice things you did for me last night.

Remember when I walked past your flat? You were outside with all your friends, playing your very loud and very cool, awesome music. I almost melted inside when you acknowledged me by raising your eyebrows and yelling “VAGINA!” I felt like I was living in my very own mini-plot from Love Actually.

The mini-plot continued at the flat party we both went to. Thank you so much for dedicating your beer bong to me. I never thought a boy could do something so romantic whilst getting down on one knee.

Not to mention what you can do when you’re standing on two feet! Patrick Swayze could learn a thing or two from the shapes you were cutting on the dance floor last night. I never did like grinding but everyone knows that hips don’t lie and yours were telling such a delightful story. I honestly felt like I was in Dirty Dancing when you started to call me Baby. You sure do know how to make a girl swoon.

You took it to the next level with that kiss you gave me. I guess you were nervous which is why you missed and got saliva on my chin. It was OK though, because what with the chin spit and the sweat coming from the people dancing around us I was able to pretend we were in the rain-drenched kiss scene from The Notebook.

But in all honesty, Ryan Gosling pales in comparison to you. Only a true chivalrous knight such as yourself would display such perseverance during courtship. I take it as a real compliment that you would not take no as an answer. All my friends thought it was so cute when you left the bar with us and followed me home. Of course I needed protection from all the sexual predators out there.

That was when the frigid bitch in me came out to play (or not to play, I should say). You remind me of Gaz from Geordie Shore because of how much graft you put in and I just left you there, vomiting in my driveway. You were so right when you said I am a frigid bitch and a whore. Please forgive me, Iʼll be a good girl next time.