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This week I’m going to try to help some of you poor ignorant wretches out there who are embarrassing themselves on Facebook. We are young students, frequently engaging in shenanigans and debauchery, often vomiting in public places and having awkward sexual experiences – our lives are pretty embarrassing as it is. So please take this as a gentle nudge in a much less shameful and idiotic direction.

In other words, everyone please stop being such fucking annoying Facebook twats. I cannot believe we have come to the point where hordes of people can piss me off while I am safely tucked up in bed.

Firstly, stop clogging up my newsfeed with boring statuses about boring shit that is happening in your boring lives. I don’t know why you think the rest of us would care about how you are feeling all the time. The people who care will ask you themselves. And the rest of us don’t give a shit. If your lives were actually interesting, you wouldn’t feel the need to tell the world all about it because you would be too busy being interested. Thus, by posting all those statuses, the world can tell that you are both boring and annoying. My advice is to stop.

Next, I want to talk about selfies, which in recent times have become cool again in a sort of ironic, Snapchat kind of way. But this doesn’t mean that all selfies are acceptable. There are some pretty simple guidelines to selfie-ing without looking stupid: (1) don’t take photos of yourself in bathroom mirrors; (2) don’t duckface; (3) don’t post pictures which very obviously show off your boobies, and then be like “oh my gosh! So embarrassing!” when all of your guy friends point them out; (4) don’t post a picture of you looking seriously hot with a caption that says “#justwokeup #suchanuglymutt” and then sit back and wait for all your friends to tell you how pretty you are; and (5) don’t have a “Me” album. These are all pretty simple principles. If you follow them maybe people will un-hide you from their homepages.

Lastly, to all of the people who comment on stuff and think that the rest of us care about your opinions: we don’t.

The only time unacceptable Facebook behaviour is acceptable is when it is committed by the people with whom I am friends purely so that I can be a spectator in their vastly foreign lives: the girl from school who now has a baby, the one who regularly posts passive-aggressive shit about whomever they are currently having a bitchfight with. For the rest of you, please, it’s just embarrassing. You’re all so much better than that.