Columns

With a startlingly low nine arrests made by Dunedin police at this year’s Hyde Street Keg Party compared to last year’s 15, it appears that students have really cleaned up their act under threat of discontinuance of Hyde Streets for years to come. Or have they? After talking with the gallant police officers that patrolled the area last weekend, it has become clear to Critic that the primary goal of these arrests was quality rather than quantity. While the actual reasons for the arrests printed in most reporting publications were subsumed under the headings “trespassing” and “disorderly conduct”, Critic is always on the quest for truth. A closer look at the four most outstanding arrests made last Saturday reveals the indubitably high calibre of the young men and women who roam the streets of this humble scarfie town.

#1 A 19-year-old Phys Ed student was arrested in the late morning when he attempted to feed his scrotum through a hole in his neighbor’s fence, only to have it sliced partway open by a jagged edge of the corrugated iron from which the fence was crafted. He was later admitted to hospital and vaccinated against tetanus.

#2 A middle-aged non-student who managed to gain entry to the party undetected blew (not only) his cover when he was caught committing unspeakable sexual acts with a toppled street sign. The man was escorted from the scene naked from the waist down, as his pants were unable to be located at that time. It was unclear to police whether the perpetrator himself had felled the street sign or if it was already like that when he found it. Either way, “stop” means stop, kids.

#3 A particularly obstreperous fresher invited to the party by an unnamed Hyde St resident was placed under arrest when she allegedly “farted” on a policeman after being asked politely to climb down from her friend’s roof. The policeman was in the process of assisting the girl in dismounting said roof when she “broke wind on [his] face”, reportedly waiting until her behind was optimally positioned before releasing a flurry of putrid air on the unsuspecting law enforcement expert.

#4 An arguably unnecessary arrest was made when a third-year student outfitted in a day-glo vest, stubbies, and army-issue boots took it upon himself to help out the security squad patrolling the huge event. The well-meaning vigilante spent the better part of two hours helping intoxicated students out of the way of others, preventing several fights from breaking out, and chasing off trespassing cats and beggars. Police arrested him on the charge of “doing [their] jobs better than [they] were”. Fair enough.