Columns

Across the nation this week, supermarkets, grocery stores, dairies, and even the more extensively stocked gas stations have experienced a crippling shortage of eggs. Finding repeatedly that their egg orders were not being filled, some stockists became simultaneously incensed and curious, and attempted to locate the root of this disappointing phenomenon with the help of Critic.

Following visits to some of the battery farms and free-range farms of tiny, row-upon-row cages from which our eggs are sourced, a truth more sinister and deeply disturbing than we ever cared to imagine has reared its ugly head. It seems that the advent of legal same-sex marriages has made waves that penetrate deeper into our society than we could have predicted—after just a few short weeks, news of this legislation has reached the nation’s poultry.

Previously, poultry farms were generally segregated by gender to ensure that unfertilised eggs continued to make it into our pantries. As it turns out, this was entirely unnecessary. Exasperated farmers tell us that it has recently become apparent that almost all chickens are homosexual (hens and roosters alike), and the only thing stopping them from expressing their true colors until now was their ardent respect for the law. Since the new marriage laws, hens that once shared cages as no more than cell-mates have taken up together in unholy matrimony, and roosters—well, their frustrated early morning cries for companionship are now being answered with wedding bells.

As for the reason behind the egg shortage, it appears that chickens are still broody as ever – the explosion of bird-bird and cock-cock marriages has sparked a roaring gamete trade, wherein lady chickens are providing eggs to gentleman chickens in exchange for sperm, enabling same-sex couples to have children together and experience the joy of raising a family. Farmers are desperately struggling to find enough unfertilised eggs to meet their quota, but they keep coming up short. And since it’s legal now, they must accept that there is really very little they can do about it. To stand in the way of these chickens and their lifestyle choices would be such a massive breach of ethics and political correctness that even battery farming pales in comparison. We may be facing a future devoid of the fluffy goodness of scrambled eggs, the golden rush of yolk that bursts forth from a poached egg, and that god-awful fart smell that hangs around for ages after your flatmate tries to microwave his egg whites. A grim future indeed.