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A visit to King’s High School to discover more about their new King’s Men’s Society class for developing better men has inspired OUSA to begin providing a program that focuses on developing better party girls. The class, dubbed “Tips for Tricks,” aims to prepare first-year girls for the next three to five years of questionable behavior, poor judgement calls and frequent inebriation.

A spokesperson for OUSA informed Critic that, unlike a charm school, the desired outcome of this program is efficiency rather than good etiquette. “We want girls to come out of this with the skills required to party long and party hard, and to sustain that lifestyle for the rest of their time here in Dunedin.” The program runs two hours per week for seven weeks, with a practical application workshop in the eighth and final week. Below is a brief outline of the seven-week syllabus:

Week 1 – Party Lingo: Girls will learn current party slang and speech mannerisms that will help them get by and be recognised as insiders, including up-to-date terms for a wide range of sex acts and recreational drugs.

Week 2 – Improper Dress: Girls will be educated in how to show way too much skin, skank up their makeup and avoid accidentally wearing undies.

Week 3 – Consumption: Girls will receive instruction on the correct methods of consuming food, alcohol and drugs while partying, including topics such as knowing your limit (and exceeding it), how to combine substances for the best buzz, and which foods won’t slow down intoxication or taste awful coming back up.

Week 4 – Unconditional Hotness: Girls will learn how to still look sexy in awkward situations such as exiting or entering a vehicle, walking/tripping on stairs, vomiting in public, and waking up in a stranger’s bed.

Week 5 – Bagging a Boy: Girls discover how to get free drinks through merciless teasing, flirt outrageously, copulate while wasted, and make a hasty exit the next morning.

Week 6 – Club/Party Conduct: Girls will be taught social skills such as slutty dancing and queue cutting as well as how to “woooo!”, do a keg stand, keep their shoes on all night, and give fake compliments to other girls in the bathroom.

Week 7 – When Things Go Wrong: Girls are prepared for the worst as they learn how to conceal embarrassing vomit, cope with unplanned pregnancy, pee outside on all types of terrain, and defend against being bottled.

Spaces are limited, so sign up for this fulfilling course as soon as possible!