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A Modern-Day Pirate.

Being a pirate is far more than just growing a beard and punctuating every sentence with ‘arrr’; it’s a way of life. So here are a few pointers for actually becoming a modern-day pirate. Take this ‘on board’ and you’ll be pimping galleons and macking on wenches in no time.
Pirates were proud of the fact that they were seafarers, so when speaking as one, intersperse every sentence with nautical references where possible. Instead of saying ‘hello’, say ‘ahoy’; instead of saying ‘he died’, say ‘he went to Davy Jones’ locker’. You could even go so far as to name your penis ‘the Jolly Roger’. It will be a huge hit with the wenches. Speaking of which, before you speak, ask yourself if you really need to speak at all. The ladies love a pirate of few words. If you do decide speech is necessary, ensure you have the right tone of voice. Pirate speech sounds somewhere between gravel in a blender and Chewbacca the Wookiee, perfect for getting the wenches moist in the britches.
When assembling your pirate attire, don’t go overboard. I mean, you can grow your hair long and weave burning fuses into your beard, but it’s a fine line between looking piratical and looking homeless. A simple hat, shirt, and boots combo seems to work for most people. Funnily enough, pirates and gay men actually have something in common. They love to accessorise. So throw on a few belts, grab a few parrots, and who said you can only wear one hat at a time? However, I caution you from wearing two eye-patches at once. That’s just asking for trouble.
Finally, if you’re going to be a modern-day pirate, you will need to have the appropriate attitude. Pirates are self absorbed, cold hearted, and extremely greedy. Essentially, just act like a Vice Chancellor. The exception to this rule is if you’re dealing with a beauty. Beauties, unlike wenches, are gorgeous creatures that must be coveted and protected. For example, places like Carrington and Knox contain beauties, whereas places like UniCol contain the latter. A pirate may sail through the stormiest seas without hesitation, but he dreads running afoul of a beauty’s wrath like nothing else. So, always protect and defend beauties when you find them, and if you’re lucky, she might just raise ‘the Jolly Roger’ for you. (With a yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.)