Columns

It’s been a while, but Critic has decided to return with a full lowdown of shenanigans going on at your favourite Halls of Residence.

To kick off, a Senior Resident at Selwyn has lost his job after beginning relations with a fresher. The 24-year-old was given an ultimatum to either break off the relationship with the 18-year-old student or to leave Selwyn, but love triumphed and the Senior Resident moved out to a flat over the road. A kitchen staff member at Selwyn is also regularly keeping students updated with her Tinder dates, described as “a different one each time.”

Cumberland is sticking with its tradition of filthy bedtime stories. Two students slept together at the start of their Cumby life this year and the guy in the incident wet himself. In their heavily intoxicated states, neither woke up and they continued to sleep in the wet patch. In a more recent incident, one student has persisted with spreading faeces across the bathroom floors and the door handles. The College is yet to discover who the filthy prankster is.

At Cumberland Courts a Ron Weasley lookalike, while under the influence of alcohol, attempted to superman his way through a closed door, leaving a costly human-sized hole behind. Also, mysterious images of Ainsley Harriet have appeared on various windows throughout the Courts.

In a heavily intoxicated state, a student attempted to break into a pharmacy thinking it was his flat. Following his failed attempts, the student proceeded to sleep in a flax bush.

At Unicol two students have been kicked out of the hall as a result of drug use and possession. Marijuana was found in the students’ drawers, which were searched whilst they were away on holiday. When they returned, the students were told to leave the hall. As per college conditions, the University has now adopted a “zero tolerance” policy in respect of the possession, use or distribution of illegal drugs by members of its Colleges.

At the Knox Christmas dinner, students recently got “shitfaced off eggnog,” according to the hall’s Facebook page. Arana students also appear to be having a good time, with reports that a number of students have been receiving various forms of pleasure in the Starters Bar toilets.

Two frisky couples, presumably from the Hall of South Dunedin (“Locals”) have been attempting to get it on outside the Critic and OUSA offices. In the last fortnight, one couple was caught on the balcony and another caught making out on the picnic table. Critic has a telephoto lens at hand but we were persuaded not to publish the images.

Stay classy, Dunedin.