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Each week Critic wants to hear from you if you’re struggling to approach the man or woman of your dreams. Does she always sit on that front row seat and give the lecturer far more attention than you’re comfortable with? Does he stroll past your window each morning and your only attempts at getting his attention have been taking a little longer to put clothes on? Flick your stories to crush@critic.co.nz

I t was a usual Saturday night out. I was in Boogie Nights singing to S Club 7, and then I saw her. The most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. She was about 5’5 and wearing a tight black skirt the size of a tea towel. She looked amazing.

I waltzed over to her, shoulders pinned back. I walked up behind her and, just as I was about to get her attention, I realised I had just come from my bro’s red card … I was dressed in a full clown suit. Just as I was leaving, our eyes met. Would she laugh? Would she walk away? My fears were wrong; she danced against me for at least 30 seconds, then grabbed me by my squeaky clown nose and pulled me down to her face. I was in. Just before she kissed me, she shouted in my ear, “Sexy costume. We’re wearing the same lipstick.” What did she mean? I have no idea. She made no sense. This was the girl of my dreams.

I ripped up the dance floor all night with this girl. Then at around 3 am she tugged me by the arm and led me out of Boogie onto the street. She said, “Let’s go to yours.” I was sold. It doesn’t take much. My Sleepyhead mattress from Mum was going to get some serious use tonight. She jumped on the bed, and you can guess the rest.

I awoke from a coma of happiness in the morning. But it didn’t last long. The love of my life was gone. She had slipped out while I was sleeping. Now I can’t be happy. All I can do is don my clown costume again this Saturday night and hope my love finds me. If you see a stud wearing a costume at Boogie, don’t run. I forgive you for ditching me.

Lots of love,
The Clown of Your Dreams