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...a Muso

 Of the many kinds of ladyslayer that can be found in Dunedin, there is no one more prolific and talented than the man who knows his way around a musical instrument. So this wee,k Matthew, I’m going to be a Muso. And because Musos are inherently songwriters, this column shall henceforth be composed in lyrical format. 
   If a man of music is what you desire to be, then the things you must focus on are namely these three. Your appearance (that’s obvious), but still it’s a must; the musician’s look fills the ladies with lust. To look like a Muso, it’s a rather fine art, but with long hair and a beanie, you’re off to a good start. Make sure to dress funky, because alternative’s swish; even throw on a guitar as well if you wish. The instrument’s handy because it shows what you do, and if you’re in town you can busk with it too. Skinny jeans and waistcoats are often the best mix; and as uniforms go, it’s great for picking up chicks. Jeans and a waistcoat or better yet a sweater vest; I can say with some certainty, you’ll be dressed to impress.
   Your demeanour is another thing to consider, have you ever seen a Muso that’s grumpy and bitter? Of course you haven’t, a Muso’s a chilled guy; he’s about as mellow as a puppy that’s high. Life’s about music, and writing some songs; being mellow comes from enjoyment (and the occasional bong). If you want to be a Muso, let yourself get inspired! Write songs all the time, not just when required. I guarantee if you show that you sing, the girls will give you their numbers and want more than a ring. Don’t forget, everyone you meet is a potential band fan, so relentlessly promote whenever you can. Yeah song-writing’s great, but that’s just the half; if you don’t get out and promote you’ll go nowhere fast.
   Last on the list of things you should change, is your style of music, and location of stage. All Musos are musical, but not all are hot. Good music will get you laid, but screamo will not. Make sure to choose music that’s right for your crowd, the kind of stuff that’d make your Mum and Dad proud. Rock, Jazz, acoustic, and blues, all of these are fantastic so I’ll just let you choose. While you’re at it, choose the right instrument too; you’d never get laid if you played the bassoon. Guitar of course is totally sick, but drums, bass, and keyboard will still do the trick. Then when it comes to places to play, I hear UniCol’s best if you’re keen for a lay. Become a Muso, and you’ll be a ladyslayer for sure. Simply bust out your guitar and you’ll find a nice whore. Although if you try all these tips, and there’s nothing she likes, you’d best find a new girl, because this one’s a dyke.